I'm nothing but a mess.

Talking to mike always makes me cry. Not because of what he says, but because I think about what might happen. I so much want to fall in love with him. And I know that sounds weird, but he's such an amazing guy and I've always had a good time when he's involved. But I'm too afraid. Because I feel like either way is a mistake. I don't want to make the same mistake that I did with Kaitlyn, and regret not being a friend because I'm 'too afraid to get attached' but at the same time I am. I don't want to fall in love with him just to have him die. Because we all know that's what's going to happen. I don't know what to do. And I tried to go to you for advice, but you said not now, maybe in a couple of months. I know we'll never be friends again. I just don't know what to do and I thought you could help.
And now I have to go speak at seminary graduation and I'm a wreck. God, please just help me speak for five minutes and do ok...