I had the absolutely most amazing time in california :) Christmas was perfect and I love my life :)

This is your time, this is your life.

I've never been so excited for christmas before, not since I was just a little girl. This time I'm excited because of all the things I'm giving to people :)) I'm most excited for Brittany and I just hope that she has no idea who it's from :) She just deserves it more than anyone. And I'm pretty excited to give a certain other someone a certain amazing thing. And of course to give ben his 'Asian gifts' present ;) I'm just so so excited for Christmas this year :)) :)) :))

Anyways, well, this was perfectly not needed at all.

CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!! 

Me and my mom listened to 'Girls just wanna have fun' on our way to the mall today. 
We're SO cliche.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL :)

It's the most wonderful time of the year :)

The randomness of my days.

So me and the boyfriend were listening to pandora when me and Bensons song came on
him: 'did you get butterflies with him? did you want to marry him'
'Yes'
'What if he's better than me? Then you're just wasting your time'
'No I'm not, I still have two years' :)))
Talking about carls junior. 'If you say you want carls junior one more time I'll turn around and we'll get it' (with pure excitement) 'You'll turn around and give it to me????' '....That's what I should be saying to you'
'It erects to a position and comes out' ...I was trying to explain how leg hair grows when it's cold....
We have nothing better to do than watch teen mom two and drive all over utah. But I love him so it all works out.
Calyn on facebook: 'I'll make you be quiet. I'll just put my lips on yours.' Me: 'No no boyfriend wouldn't like that. No he wouldn't.' :)
Two finals down. Got 100 and 96. Suck it.

I hate you, finals. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

My world is changing. I rearranging.

When I pulled blogger up, I had so much to say, but now I have so much to say that I can't say a word.
I just want to be out of school. I hate it so much. When I'm there I feel like I'm just surrounded by junior high kids. I hear Sarah talking about 'Love' she doesn't know what love is. How could she? She knew nothing about her ex boyfriend and every time a guy gets a little close to her, she realizes he has faults, and she's looking for perfection. I know she still believes in soulmates and that's stopping her from finding an amazing guy because she still keeps looking for one that is perfect. She expects to find him and suddenly have the self confidence she's always wanting. She doesn't realize that doesn't happen through loving a boy, it happens through loving herself. Then I'll hear her and Kenzie talking about singles ward and making fun of someone that went. How can you call yourself a Christian when you make fun of someone WHILE YOU ARE AT CHURCH. I thought you went to church to be a better person, not to judge the others there. I just want them to have a reality check that the world isn't about hott boys and cute hairstyles. It's about treating other people well and loving them and yourself for what is already there. I just feel like when I'm around them all I feel is hate. They make me feel like I'm not enough and that I'm less than them. Around two church going christians shouldn't I be feeling the spirit of the lord? Isn't it funny that I get comments from people all the time saying they see the spirit in my eyes? Me the girl that carries a lighter and shows off too much leg. What they're seeing isn't the spirit of the Lord, it's just a girl that's trying to get by in the world in a positive loving manner. I don't think I'll ever really start getting into the whole church thing again. I've had too many people make me doubt things. They always say that the church is perfect, but the people aren't. So why do I have to go to church? Can't I just be at home learning about the perfect church by myself? I don't know. I think life is just more about being a good person, not sitting in church all day. Because look at how some of those church people treat me. They treat me like shit. They aren't good people and church isn't doing anything for them. I don't think I'll ever go back. Not really.
People think I'm a bitch because I ignore Kenzie and Sarah. I'm not trying to be, but I refuse to let them tell people I'm pregnant and still be their friend. I'm not that weak. I have more of a backbone. I'd rather love people that love me than tolerate people that are bitches behind my back. One day I hope everything makes sense to us.

We stumble and disconnect over and over again

When I go to school I feel alone. I feel that as soon as I step into that classroom, I'm not allowed to smile because I know the girls there don't even want me to be happy. Late at night, after I turn off my bedroom light, I hold my puppy really tight and just cry. I let out all the tears that I've held in all day. I know it's strange, but I feel like Tank is the only 'person' I can cry with because he won't look at me and think I'm weak or deserving of my sadness. He just lets me cry. I know Sarah and Mckenzie look down on me and hope for bad things to happen to me. I know they talk badly about me and say things that aren't true. And I know that it shouldn't bother me. But of course it will. Because I thought that they cared about me. I hate work so much, I hate it SO much, but lately I would rather go there than be at school. Because those girls make me feel happy. When I walk in the room the smile and come and hug me. They tell me they're happy that I've come and that they have so much to tell me. They trust me. And when new girls work there and I introduce myself they always say 'Oh you're Adri? Everyone loves you' To those girls I am something special. I'm having a rough time lately. I have so much that I'm grateful for for and so many people that love me, but sometimes I feel like I can't go on. I can't explain it. The highlight of my week is friday night with my best friend and wednesday when I get my letter. Silly things to look forward to, I know, but they get me through. The time between those I just feel sad. I worry about failure, I worry about my family, and I worry about my friends. It's Mike's birthday, but he asked Drake not to celebrate it because it makes things harder.
So here I am on a thursday night, crying because I don't belong anywhere anymore.

Every Wednesday I run out to my mailbox because I know that I'll have a letter waiting for me :) It's the best feeling ever

Kiss my nicely toned ass, bitches.

Today was slightly horrendous, but because of reasons completely different from before. Today was because some people are just, well, they're fucking CUNTS. So it started off with me finding Maria crying in the bathroom. So I started talking to her about everything, because I genuinely care about her. Then Sarah comes out and is like 'OHMYGOODNESS let me buy you something from the vending machine!' Then Kenzie comes out and is like 'Ohmyflip do you need chocolate???' By the time they came out, she wasn't even crying anymore. Let me remind you that just the goddamn fucking day before, I was crying the ENTIRE theory class and they didn't give a rats ass. So I decided to confide in Marie and I asked her if she trusted Sarah. It took her no less than a second to say no. Because apparently, while I'm not at school because I'm too busy throwing up in bushes, she's telling people I'm pregnant. And Kenzie is telling people she doesn't care that I'm sad because of who I'm dating. These girls are supposedly christian, but they're the biggest assholes I know. Because, no, I'm not pregnant, and yes I DO matter. And they're ignorant for thinking otherwise. I was there for them when they cried or needed money or needed advice, so naturally they're nowhere to be found when I need someone. They're too busy failing at trying to get married. How come girls like this can take the sacrament? These girls that are telling rude, false, insulting rumors and completely ignoring Christ's teaching to love everyone. Maria also agreed with me that it was Sarah that told Andy that pile of wank shit about me cheating the whole time. Because for some reason, no matter what I do, Sarah wants to make me miserable. I date Andy, he's 'too good' and she deserves him, the next guy isn't good enough and I'm 'pregnant'. Well, I'm not going to try to please her anymore. I'm going to school to learn, not be social. I have Robin and Britney and Maria to talk to, I don't need Sarah and Kenzie's immaturity. Fuck the ugly bitches.
On the plus side, today I was host in cosmetology so I was able to get things done :)
Tomorrow we be watching star wars all day ;)

Thank god for that one guy that let's me call him at night just to cry. He doesn't judge or tell me I'm wrong. All he says is not to give up. Thank god for him.

I'm talking loud, not saying much.

Lets just say that yesterday can be summed up with this, I puked in some bushes on my way home from school. Yep. Even just saying that you can get the hint that yesterday was complete shit. First I locked myself out of my own house. Then after I got in, I couldn't find my smock that's required at school. After I finally found it, loaded up my car, and calmed down, my car wouldn't start. Instant tears at that moment. Because that was just the icing on the cake. The spilled milk that makes you cry. On my way to school, I resolved that I would only stay for theory and leave after that. So when Sarah told me I had a shampoo set, this helped me to make that decision even firmer. When I told her I wasn't going to stay, she promptly told me I couldn't leave because I had a client and it was nearly all booked. I swiftly told her I could do what I want. So whilst walking home, I starting to cry big heaving gasping cries. And well, I dry heaved in a bush. And was offered a cigarette directly after. That poor man thought that my problem was a hangover, when I could only wish it was that simple and that something as ordinary as a cigarette could fix my problems. Naturally, when I got home, work decided to call and make life even better. They asked me to close that night, because we had a walk the next day. That would mean staying until eleven or twelve just folding underwear and tucking bra straps. I declined on account of my car being a piece of shit this week. I always feel awful when I tell work no. Stressing because I felt bad for my store, I got a migraine. My migraine helped me to decide to take a nap. I woke up from my nap with a text from Andy saying I cheated on him the entire time. He never told me the source, but of course I can only assume that the source was Sarah. Just when I thought that I had real friends. I concluded the night with rolling a perm. Then, due to my nap earlier I wasn't able to fall asleep until around two thirty in the morning. Yesterday was a pile of shit. And lets just say it honestly could have been summed up with 'I puked in a bush walking home from school'
And you may have guessed, but today was also a pile of shit. I arrive at school, already in a teary mood, just to be set off by Sarah smugly telling me I had a perm while she had a haircut. I decided I couldn't emotionally handle that and would once again leave early. Due to problems that only a select few would understand, I cried my way through theory class. With only Ann and Robin asking me what was wrong. Why didn't anyone else care? Well, because Jaylynn had a tumor and that just takes priority sometimes. Well, I guess I lied. Sarah tried to talk to me, but I did my best to nicely dismiss her, because starting now, I don't trust her at all, and honestly I have her worst interest at heart. Last night I took a note out of Mitchell's mom's book. I texted Sarah if she had talked to Andy. When she said no, my reply was 'If I'm asking, I already know.' Lets just say that now was not the best time to double cross me. After unsuccessfully cutting my mannequins hair, Ann decided to use my awful hair as an example. Any other day I would have been fine. But this was the spilled milk of my day. I confided in Robin and felt slightly better. But definitely not better enough to stay and do a perm. So I left early. And here's the absolute highlight of my day, the one thing today that made me believe it would be ok; I opened the mailbox and there was one piece of mail, a letter from Benson. I've never been so happy for mailmen than at this moment in my life, I swear a piece of paper has never made me so happy. Especially when I opened it and saw that it was an entire full page! Benson is now a zone leader and will leave for mexico on December 5th. And he knows about, but did not give permission to that Elder that randomly wrote me. I may or may not have poured my heart onto four sheets of paper. Hint: I did. And I will be mailing his package out by tomorrow. I certainly do hope that it makes his day as much as his letters make mine. Now, I'm looking forward to the boyfriend getting off work so he can text me more often. And I just have to hope and pray that he hasn't gotten a cat in the meantime. I love you, boyfriend. Thank you for letting me swear quite a bit just because I hate hair, clients, and people. 'youda youda best' ;) oh what? It's not as funny as when Jessica says it? BOO, you whore ;)
'You and her are so different. She doesn't have a personality...' I love you, Robin :)
Tomorrow is a new day and it will be much much better <3

I can't help falling in love with you.

Coincidence that my check was 666? I think not.

So I came home from school today and I was like 'OMG A LETTER FROM BENSON!!!!' But it wasn't. It was from weird guy that I don't even know. And I don't know how he got my address, but he told me not to tell Benson about it because 'that would be weird' WHO ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I don't need another missionary! I'm already writing to one, crazy man!!!! But now I'm all bummed because I didn't get a letter :( hopefully in a couple days.
JayLynn is just getting awkward with this whole tumor thing. She is just using it to get pity at this point. So we're sitting in the hallway today just eating today and chatting with some clients. Then out of nowhere Jay is like 'My tumor is making me sick' ....ok. Awkward. This awkward silence lasted for so long. And she does this ALL the time. It's like she has no social skills. It's not hard! So every time she does this, I stand there for a minute and then I'll just walk away because I can't even handle it.
Work has been CRAZY. I hate the panty raid. I love Dj dan though :))

Why does this divorce bother ME so much? They aren't even my real parents

11:11 11-11-11

It is love not reason that is stronger than death

I'm sure my friends all think I'm being insensitive with JayLynn because I didn't hang on her every word, because I didn't hug her, and because when she said 'I'm not dead... yet... hopefully'  I didn't react. I'm not trying to be insensitive though, I'm just used to this. She doesn't even know how bad her tumor is, so she could be perfectly ok, but we don't know yet. The thing is, Mike knows he is going to die, and I know that too. So I watched him go through this phase and I did the whole hug and cry thing. And I can't go back to that phase for her, because now I'm in the grateful and laugh stage. Where every second with him is a blessed one, and we can laugh again. We don't have to say cancer in hushed tones or avoid the subject of death. It's ok. And it's ok to be happy with him and to make jokes about it. Because in this part, the last thing he wants is for us to hover around him crying and constantly trying to hug him. He wants normality. I don't know what the next phase is going to be and we'll get there when we get there, but for now here we are. So I hope they understand why I'm not reacting the same as them, and it's not insensitivity, it's accustomed to it.

His breath closing in and surrounding me in ways I've never felt before.

I got a letter I got a letter I got a letter!!!!! :) :) :) :) :) :) It's so exciting!!! :) :) :) I don't even care how short it was, a letter is a letter :) And he asked me TWO times in that letter to continue writing him :) and I'm gonna be that person that sticks out till the end :) Elder Benson <3
I had this client today. THAT DIDN'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH! How the HELL am I supposed to cut her hair when we can't even understand each other?????!!!!!!!?????? I was TRES upset. Especially because Sarah and Kenzie left to go to a forum and still got hours! Why do I have to work the hardest to get the same goddamn grade??? BECAUSE GOD HATESSS MEEEE!!!!! HE HATESSSS MEEEE!!!!! Jay came today though and she seems to be doing okay. I hope she's ok.
Thank you for taking me to school, eric. You're a trooper. And I owe you.
Today I got told I looked like a rockstar :) a lot :)
Baby bird ben. Tiny tiger tank.
I GOT A LETTER :)))) Gunna send a care package before he leaves the mtc :) :) :)

And I know, I've said this all before, but opposites attract.

Alright. So tonight at work, Jourdan came in. I've been waiting for the day that I would run into her or something. And then it happened. I didn't say anything to her. I looked at her and she looked at me and it felt like an eternity even though it was just a few seconds. I turned around and tried to ignore her (like the shitty associate that I am) and pretend she wasn't there, and I did a shitty job at it. Because all I wanted to do was look at her and listen to her, anything ANYTHING to get to know who she really is. Because I know she's someone that I could be friends with, but I was a dumbass and never can be now. She left and part of me was relieved, but the bigger part of me just wishes I could have gone up to her and told her in person how honestly sorry I am. But I didn't. Just another regret I'll have with her.
Today was actually a pretty bad day. Because at one point in the day, my best friend brought me flowers :)) (that's obviously not the bad part) so I stepped outside to talk to him, and when I did everyone was like  'Awh that's so cute' Then Sarah was like 'No that's not cute, we hate him!' Of course she didn't tell this to me to my face and I had to hear it from another source, but SERIOUSLY??? Really? You have to be that petty? She lets her jealousy control her so much and it restricts our friendship in so many ways. I just have to keep thinking that it doesn't matter. Fuck them, I'll be out soon. As long as I'm happy. I have everything I need <3 Also, I've come to absolutely adore Robin :) Her and Britney are my favorite people in cosmetology :) Because they are REAL and HONEST. And I love them. I have something super special planned for britney for christmas :)) Lets hope it goes as planned :)) saving money for christmas and birthdays is kinda hard :( I'm trying SO hard though!
So swear to god, JayLynn just texted me the worst news ever. They found a tumor in the middle of her brain. Honestly I'm terrified right now because I know how bad that can be. Why am I worried about christmas presents when there are problems like that out there? Even though I never feel god, tonight I'll pray to him for her and hope that everything is ok.
Good lord, it's a soap opera today. I just want to cuddle with my puppy.

I can't sleep. And I'm in pain. And boyfriend is asleep so I can't even text him. Asdfghjkl. Very upset.
On the other hand it was a very good weekend :) I've decided star wars is amazing and I couldn't help crying in the third. I love my best friend. Getting paid thirty bucks to drive drunk parents to a club? I hope my parents decide to take up drinking and clubbing sometime soon.

Some of the silliest things make me cry.

I can't even begin to explain what it was like to see him again. I felt happy again. I felt at peace. And like finally something was right.
He's always gonna be my best friend. 13 years <3

My sadly true life

I don't just want to make love, I want to make love last.

Hey baby, thank you for helping this morning so much. Thank you for hugging me on my bathroom floor while I cried my heart out. Thank you for telling me it's all ok, when everything felt like it wasn't. Thank you for offering to shave your hair for me, just to make me feel less ugly. Thank you for being exactly what I needed you to be. I love you so much and I couldn't be without you.
Today was rough. You know those days when you wake up and everything feels wrong? When every hair is out of place and your face has exploded in zits? When your car won't start and you're already running late? Today was that day. Thank god for the friends that make things better.
Had a weave today, which I did alright. But still the concept of it made it awful :| Robin's partner came in today and they were SO freaking cute!!!!!!! They just had so much love for each other and they just had that thing. That thing that where they'll grow old together and still love each other. They had that thing that the old people feeding the birds have!!!! I want that so bad. Maybe it will come along sometime soon. Or maybe I have that thing but don't know I have that thing!!!! I JUST WANT THAT THINGGG!!!!!!
It really bothers me how some people throw around the word 'love' like it means nothing. Love isn't just there, lust is. Love is built and formed and takes hard work. You ask if it's bad that you're in love. But you aren't. You're in love with the idea of being in love. That bothers me.
I'm just too grumpy. Hopefully soon I'll stop being so shitty at everything in life.

Divine chaos.

Today was so amazing, I can't even fully put it into words how amazing it was. I was scheduled with a client to do hair extensions which I was NOT happy about! Because extensions take like SEVEN GODDAMN HOURS TO DO! And then I saw the client and I was LIVID. She had the most atrocious hair I've ever seen and I was supposed to make it look good?? I was pissed. So then me and Sarah start to do the hair, and talking to the girl you can tell she has a really low self esteem. She put a relaxer in her hair a while ago and ruined her hair completely. It's patchy, frizzy, and extremely thing. A complete NIGHTMARE for extensions. But we get going and it's starting to really look good. This girl is a completely sweetheart though. She was telling us about how she doesn't go to school anymore because she's gotten made fun of so bad. Listening to her talk made me want her to have the best hair ever, because I want her to feel beautiful. Making conversation I told her I got made fun of a lot in junior high. The way she looked at me, like she couldn't imagine why, as if I was perfect, made me feel so sad. Because I'm sure she looked at me with my long blonde hair and my thin body and thought my life was perfect. I hated that she was envious of me, because I know people like me keep her back from loving herself. When we finally finished her hair though, I realized WHY I want to do hair for a living. This girl and her mom both started to cry, because they thought she was beautiful. This girl came in with such a low self esteem and she left feeling like a million dollars. It was the most amazing transformation I've ever seen. I wish everyone could have seen this. I hope she feels this beautiful for the rest of her life <3
I'm so thankful that I finally have a reason for what I want to do in life. I feel like God read my blog yesterday and blessed me with this feeling today.
I talked to Robin today in class, and this girl gives some of the best advice without even realizing it. I felt like I could honestly talk to her because she doesn't judge at all. I'm really glad she's in theory and overflow. One day I'll have to let her know how much I appreciate her.
It's been such a heartwarming day.

I got the point that I should leave you alone, but we both know that I'm not that strong.

Sometimes all I want to do is crawl into the arms of the person that knows me best. I still miss my best friend
Sarah tovar put in her two weeks. I don't know what I'm going to do without her at work. She's my work best friend. Now work is just going to be folding panties and no giggles. No singing no dancing no staring at hott Rosetta stone boy. Just folding panties. I'm going to miss her. Especially because she was always there for me. A literal shoulder to cry on. This staff isn't the one I started with at all.
I'm sad right now. It's weird when you listen to a song in the morning and then at night it can apply. #miserable at best
What's wrong with me? Why was today so hard? Why will tomorrow be hard and Friday even harder? Can I just hibernate for a year then come back and already be accomplished? Because it sucks trying to get there. Im so insecure about my future right now. Point A point C but no point B

Have you cried all your tears my dear sweet girl?

How convenient is it that I was wearing a dream catcher when I had one of the weirdest dreams I've ever had before? In my dream I was looking back on flashes of my life and seeing all these important things that I usually over look. I saw my mother's hands and everything they've done for me, they way they could comfort me so easily with just the slightest touch and the way that they could clean up any mess that's been created. I saw my dads cheek and the way he used to always rub it against mine when I was little because he knew it tickled me. I saw Ben's huge grin and the way it could always make my smile come out too. I heard the sound of Drake's laughter mixed with Mike's. I heard Terance singing his song and Dixon reading Walt Whitman. I could feel my puppy's ears, feel the softness and feel the comfort he brings to me. I saw my first kiss. I saw glitter and roses. I saw myself sitting under a tree with Eric and felt that same inspiration. I remembered the feeling of my first concert. I remembered Triton holding me while I cried. I remembered the one and only time Nik told me I was beautiful. I remembered my grandma walking me to elementary every day. I remembered my grandpa sleeping in his recliner. I remembered the conversation me and my mom had on the way to South Towne. I remembered Taya coming to my school and taking me out of physics. I remembered every love I've ever felt. I saw all these things that mattered that I'd forgotten about. In a way, I imagine that's what happens right before you die. You see and feel things that made you who you were, that formed your life into the movie you want to remember. 

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

The weird thing about sleepovers is how much you bond. And it's really silly because you spend the majority of your time just sleeping beside them. Isn't that strange that you wake up and feel so much closer to them? Maybe it's because in the darkness that night brings, I start to talk about things that I don't talk about in the day time. It's like how I worry about things at night that don't even concern me in the day. It's those kind of thoughts and secrets that I share that allow us to bond. Maybe that's it, I guess. And because people learn to accept me even though I'll eat them out of house and home ;) pancakes and listening to the radio. Lounging around all day watching Mtv. So much that I even got extremely attached to a cheer team that I deemed as 'my' cheer team. Sometimes you just need a day spent in bed wearing pajamas and not doing your hair and makeup until it's time to actually be seen in public. I could almost feel the stress roll off me and feel my love for everything come back. We went and saw footloose and I really liked it. I want to take ballroom dancing classes! Any dance classes really! It was a good movie, but honestly, Kevin Bacon did it better. Yesterday was perfect and extremely needed. Thank you for the day. Thank you for being my best friend for what feels like my whole entire life <3

Unaware but underlined.

Today I was proven to be honest. I saw a dollar bill on the ground where a girl had just walked away from. So I went to go and pick it up for her. I thought it was just a dollar tip or something but when I saw it was a twenty it was a bigger deal than that. So when she finally came back, I handed it to her. She unfolded it and on the back it said 'did I get your attention?' It was a fake and she was just testing the integrity and honesty of people. I won :)
It's been a rough day :( there is still drama in cosmo and I'm not happy about it :( Sarah is still mad because I have Andy even though I 'don't deserve him' and she still doesn't have anyone. It's childish and reminds me a little of junior high. EVERYONE deserves to be happy! Not just her, but me and everyone else. The good, the bad, and the ugly all deserve to be happy! So why can't she just be happy that I'm happy? I'm honestly never going to confide in her about anything again. Because she holds it against you even though you're supposed to be a 'friend'
I need to stop thinking about it though because it just makes me upset and sad.

Sweetheart, you only live one time

I'm overwhelmed by life right now. Every aspect of life.
I don't know why I ever told you anything. I knew I shouldn't have, but I did. And it was stupid. I cried to you and it didn't mean anything to you. You weren't a good friend like I thought. You said to my face that you understood, but behind my back you tell people I don't deserve him. The person that helped me the most, the person that was a TRUE friend through this was Britney. Blue haired, non-christian Britney. People like YOU and people like HER make me single handedly doubt everything about religion. Because how come someone that doesn't go to church or institute know how to treat me better than someone who does. She doesn't think she deserves more than me because she thinks she's more 'pure' she knows we're equal. That we're all just trying to do the same thing. I know Sarah falls asleep at night thinking that she deserves Andy more than someone 'like me' ever could. I know it makes her angry that he could like someone 'like me' I know she wonders why she hasn't met a boy when someone 'like me' has them all over. I know she thinks she's better than people 'like me' but I'm a person too. I want the same things she does. To love, be loved, and make it back to god. So why is she so much better? Because she's enrolled in institute. I was in seminary when she wasn't. What's the difference? I know people 'like her' look at me and think I have things I don't deserve, they look down on me, judge me. People 'like her' look at me and know I'm not good enough for Andy. And I'm starting to believe them. People don't accept me with him, why would they. He's just too good for me. And god forbid I ever have something that's good or something that others might want. I'm not good enough to be accepted by Mormons. And I'm not bad enough to be accepted anywhere else. If other people can't accept me, why the hell would I accept myself? How can I when I don't fit anywhere. When people don't let me in. When my own friends look at me and don't think I'm enough. I've always struggled with thinking I'm 'enough' smart enough, skinny enough, good enough, perfect enough, pretty enough. And right as I was starting to, people let me know that I'm not and that I'll never be. I think about just giving up now. Giving up my relationship because sooner or later he'll see what everyone else does. Giving up hair because even THAT can be taken from me. Just giving up.
Days like this make is hard to believe in anything. In myself, in love, in God. And I've been having days like this so often lately that I'm losing faith. I feel weak again. All that strength and self esteem I had back in April. It's gone. Just from her saying 'If I were Andy, I wouldn't take her back.' I wanted to cry in the bathroom after Maria told me. Then I wanted to say 'If I were Izzie, I wouldn't like you either' but I didn't and I won't. I'll continue smiling and letting her take things from me. THIS is why my friends don't meet my boyfriends. Because jealousy. They're never just happy for me they can only think 'Well, I just really like him, and you don't deserve him the way I do' As if I'm supposed to say 'yes, you're right. I'm scum and you're heaven sent. Here, please take the boy I like.' Fuck that. Grow some balls and meet your own guys instead of just waiting for him to fall in your lap. I'm disgusted with humankind. And with growing up, I've found that I'm disgusted more often than not.
Life shouldn't be about people 'like me' or people 'like her' it should be about striving to be 'like Him' to be 'like Jesus' that's what this should all be about. But it isn't. Because there will always be people 'like me' and people 'like her' #giving up on trying to have a life and or friends.

The smallest sprout shows there is really no death

I had a really good talk with some of my co workers today. Just about religion and fears and I finally realized something. I'm not all that different. And I'm definitely not alone. It's nice having them to talk to and be completely honest with. Jessie wants me to go to church with her and it's kinda cool having her as a little support team :) It's days like these that make me so grateful to work at where I do because I'm meeting people that I know I'm supposed to. Sometimes I hate going to work, but nights like these make it worth it. I'm so glad I didn't call in sick to go see grieves. That is how could our talk was and how much it meant to me. #Inspired <3
Other than that people were rude, messy, and obnoxious :) But that's ok, I'm learning to deal with it a lot better than before. I used to just get silently angry. Now I get giggly and just think that I'm getting paid by the hour no matter what :) I'm glad I'm starting to get my positivity back :)
I'm thankful.

I had a bit of trouble takin' the picture. (obviously that was said in a british accent) 

I believe a leaf of grass is no less than the journey work of the stars.

Ohhh yeah, I have a blog ;) Gone are the days where I would post like 2834759824758 posts in a day. Now you're all lucky if I do it once a week! I really will try to be better! I just got in the habit of being so tired after work that I don't blog! Then I just got into the habit of being lazy :| HOPEFULLY I WILL CHANGE.
Tuesday :) I went to Temple Square with princess :) and it was super fun :) we just kinda walked around. Well, I did. He went around hitting on all the sisters ;) I was a saint and didn't even bother any of the elders ;) So, we're just sitting down on a bench by the temple and Andy takes my hand and very seriously looked into my eyes. And he starts off saying he was really happy that I came with him. Then, saying my full name, he started to get on one knee. What did I do? Run away. I RAN AWAY AS A MAN WAS TRYING TO PROPOSE TO ME!! ;) Luckily it was a joke. The downside? What if it's for real one day and I STILL run away????!!!?!?! AwfulAwfulAwful! My dad on the other hand, was very pleased to see me going to temple square. 'GO get married!!!' If I'm going to a store: 'Go buy your wedding dress!' My father is in quite the rush to get rid of me!
Wednesday :) was our evaluations day in cosmo :) straight A's, bro :) I love talking to Ann :) I told her how Andy 'proposed' and her eyes lit up brighter than the Rockerfeller Christmas tree! She approves of him :) I love her :) After our evaluations all of us went out to lunch and it was fun :) Even though I spilled my drink and made a HUGE mess! HOW EMBARRASSSINGGGG! I love being with Sarah and Kenzie :) without fail, the story of Kenzie's WHAPPP makes me laugh my head off :)) Couldn't live without hair school :) If we see anything abnormal 'Don't worry guys, we go to a community college' :)
Thursday. Hello headache of hell. Lazy day of pretty little liars, cuddling with my puppy, and knitting a scarf. An almost perfect autumn day :) Ended in a sleepy conversation with Andrew :) 'I just wanted to talk' 'About what? about what about what about what' For some reason the phrase 'About what' made me snort and giggle like a maniac for like ten minutes....
Watching pretty little liars always causes me to become very suspicious of murderers that I KNOW are invading my home!!! And people that I KNOW are watching me! And I just KNOW that someone is going to kidnap my puppy!!! But don't worry, I'm on the lookout. NOTHING is getting past me ;)
So remember last year how Kat read my future or whatever. She did all the way until october. So last night I took a curious little peak. October is soulmate. As my dad keeps saying, I guess I better go buy my wedding dress ;)
I just want to jump in a big pile of leaves. I want to read and write poetry. I want to wear huge scarves and listen to local acoustic bands in the coffee shop. I want to paint in the colors of the browning leaves. I want to fly kites during the day and carve silly pumpkins at night. I want photography. To be in it, to be behind the lens. I want to wear bright red lipstick and ld Lettermen jackets. I want to be INSPIRED by Autumn. I want to experience the illuminations and awakening of fall. I want to feel something NEW.
Kinda want to cut my hair :|

Come out of the closet, Andy ;)

But nothings greater than the rush that comes with your embrace.

Alright :) so yesterday :) Yesterday was a really good day :) I had Jammin come in to school and I cut his hair :) it looks like Zac Effrons :)) I really like it :) In the middle of class I got a call from Spencer so I was just WTF?! It was a butt dial but we ended up texting and talking and I'm honestly so grateful that he butt dialed me because he gave me some really awesome advice that I'm super thankful for :) I saw Nate yesterday and it was hella awkward :| He was kind of an ass. meh. Then I had to go to work and closing was a BITCH. Didn't get home until around twelve thirty. No biggie.
Today was midterms. I got one hundred on my test and I'm super proud :)) Now it's on to cosmo :)
Downtown with Princess tonight :) can't wait :))

Random heart to heart with Spencer Pond. I'm SO grateful for him. He's an amazing example.
Moreeee late maybe ;)

As long as you're with me, baby you'll be alright.

I certainly have a lot of catching up to do. Lets start on thursday. So on Thursday we had to do our midterm tests which are basically our finals for barbering because we're switching to cosmetology now. So on wednesday night I was supposed to study really hard for my theory test, but instead I read through the review once and went to bake cookies with Andy. Good plan, I know. So of course I was slightly worried for my test! But no worries, somehow I managed to only miss three. Out of a hundred. I'M A GENIUS. Then I had to do a practical test and we could either do a taper or a shave, and since I hadn't officially learned a taper I chose to do a shave. After A LOT of begging, pleading, and whining I got Andy to come in to be my model. Poor kid must have been nervous seeing my straight razor shaking in my hand as I prepared to perform my first stroke. He was a good sport though and really helped me calm down. I'm extremely grateful to him for that :) I got 94 on my shave which is still an A, but I wish I could have done better. Thursday night I closed and thank the Lord, Sara Tovar was there and that made me very happy because I hadn't seen her in so long and she's my work best friend :) We're pretty good at singing ;) 'My only concern is the next time ima get me someeee!' NOPE! ;) We have a pair of panties right now that says 'Ice cream and boys' what the random? So we tried to see a connection between the two... 'Licking' I laughed so hard. Sara is my favorite ever :)
So on Friday Andy convinced me to go to institute with him and Sarah Seastrand and it was a really good devotional and everything, but I was annoyed. Because I'm so insecure :( I know it's stupid to worry that Andy would leave me for Sarah because I KNOW he wouldn't do that, but I do know that she thinks he's good looking and she does want to get married and everything. The whole Robin Eric thing screwed me up. I worry about things I know I shouldn't. Because honestly Andy is a better guy than that and Sarah is a better friend than that. So why am I still worried?! Because I'm stupid. And I let it bother me all day. Me and Andy went on a date that night and we saw Dream House and I really liked it, but it almost sounded like I was THE ONLY ONE IN THE WHOLE THEATER that did! I thought it was good :) Whatever! :) Then after the movie I was sad again and I really just didn't know why :( I feel bad that Andy had to put up with my weird weirdness :(
Yesterday was mostly good. Work was actually really fun because I got to work with Sara again :) And I FINALLY have someone that doesn't like Tan! Because Sara was working up at the register and Tan sprayed her gorgeous perfume and no one really likes that smell and Tan wouldn't just admit that she sprayed her. And it was stupid, but everyone knows the best revenge is Rapture.... ;) we couldn't stop using british accents though :| 'Nigga say what' Just imagine it with an accent and you'll see why it's funny ;) STICK SHIFT! On my way home from work I saw Dylann and he flipped me off and I found this comical. Because that was high school... And I flip everyone off for everything so it has no meaning. Especially because the few times Andy has flipped me off, I've found him extremely attractive. Either way, I laughed the rest of the way home. Then I went to a wedding. I honestly have no idea which twin was even getting married, but I was there. And I had a good time :) even though it was outside so it was FREEZING! It was a nice wedding, but not like how I want mine to be. I hope Amber and Terrance are next to get married :) :) :) I went to Drake's house after and we all went to a coffee shop and it was really cool. Because it wasn't starbucks or anything stupid, it was the kind where people perform and it was fun. Drake brought his guitar and Mike sang an acoustic version of keep holding on and it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard. It was sad to watch him though. I remember when he used to sing about bitches and hoes. Not anymore though. Which isn't always so bad ;) on the way home he fell asleep even though it wasn't that late at all, so I went home a little earlier than I thought I would. When I got home I was just feeling really sad and looking back I don't know why. The last two days I've felt sad for no reason. I hope it stops soon.

Wedding flowers <3

Just a kiss on the lips in the moonlight

School was way fun today :) I went to institute which was pretty awkward because I got hit on by a lot of guys and had no desire to reciprocate flirtations. Free pancakes though :))
Hair hair hair. Britney gave me a facial and it was amazing :) I've forgotten to blog this so many times, but a couple of days ago she was telling me about how she's bisexual and how I'm her type. Look out world, girls think I'm hott too. ;)
I baked cookies with Andy tonight and it was super fun :) I was wearing a utes shirt and he FORCED me to wear a byu shirt! ;) Silly kid, but whatever floats his boat :) His sister emily stole like TWENTY MILLION cookies. There was a lot of kicking, pushing, and sneaking involved with this process :)) She's slightly crazy ;) His mom and dad make me so happy :) 'You don't flirt?? Yeah, sure...' Even his dad is aware of my flirtations process ;) So I've never really been kissed in the rain until tonight. It's the weirdest feeling to feel so warm on the inside but to know that your cold on the outside. It was a really good feeling :) oh yeah, I forgot. My mom had to give me the "marriage talk" today. Kind of like the sex talk, but different. 'You're too young, you should wait' Yes mom, thank you :) After about a month of dating, me and Andy have decided to marry. PRINT THE ANNOUNCEMENTS EVERYONE. ;) Juuuuust kidding, me and princess aren't even going out yet ;)

Steve jobs died before we could get married #crying

You're only the best I ever had

Today I cut Andrew's hair and I was TRIPPIN BALLS. I've never been so nervous to do hair in my life! And I don't even know why! As soon as he told me he was there I was shaking and nervous and it was weird! I don't know why, but Andy really does make me nervous sometimes! I was super happy to see him though :)) I start to miss him REALLY fast. It's weird. I don't know, I'm cluttered right now.
Then work.

Started not to give a fuck and not to fear the consequence

Today has been this entirely emotional confusing day and I'm extremely drained. I always hate losing any kinds of friends. I hate saying goodbye to even the slightest of people. And today's been like that I feel. Saying goodbye to some unimportant people and some really important people. It's hard, but I know it will still be ok, just different. The worst is when you don't even know why you have to say goodbye. Nik texted me again and told me how Jourdan is going through a lot and that I need to stop talking to him and her. ..I haven't talked to either of them in two weeks.. I honestly have no clue what he's talking about and I know I'm stupid, but yeah, it hurts. I FEEL DUMB EVEN SAYING THAT. But honestly, he was a really good friend and I don't know what even happened. I hate that I won't be able to just text him on a whim when I think about him. Because no I don't want to hook up with him, but I don't want him to hate me. I need to stop dwelling on it. I'm stupid for ever getting involved with that drama.
JayLynn cut her hair today and for about 3.5 seconds I considered cutting mine, but lets not get stupid! I've been growing it out for so long and I like it the way it is :) Then Andy came and saw me and everyone approved of him and think he's super cute :)) I really like showing him off :) Tonight was weird though. I was just kinda grumpy and I was just picking fights with Andy :( not huge life changing ones, but little annoying ones, and Princess, I just really need to say I'm sorry :( I'll make up for my behavior tonight, I promise. That's my day in a very miniscule nutshell.
I wish I didn't care about everything so much

It's not too late, it's never too late.

Tonight I went on a double date with Andy and Sarah and it was super fun :) we went and saw abduction which was a really dumb movie, but I still had a really good time :) 'You two have been on the run for 22 hours straight, I'm sure you're hungry. Let me take you out for a burger and milkshake' Me and Andy at the same time 'Yummmm' :) So. Pretty much Andy beat me up and gave me a bloody nose! Well. Kinda. Somehow I wacked my nose on his shoulder or something and he was put off from me hitting him so much and he was like 'I hope you get a bloody nose!' ...Well, then I did ;)
I love that Andy FINALLY got to sit and talk with me and my parents :) I hope that they like him :)) Because I really do ;) it was fun talking to them, even if they did always take his side!
Daddy, I love you. Thank you for caring so much about me and taking care of me. You're the best :)

Washin these dollar bills like they laundry.

DRAKEY<3

Dear Drake and Mike, I love you two :) you're the most amazing friends in the world :)) thank you for everything xxxxxxx

Yes, I'm sure you're all wondering where my blogging skills went, but I have a perfectly reasonable explanation for everything. ...I'm lazy. 

Nothing super special has happened this week at all. I had Sarah's back and totally hooked her up with a client though ;) Other than that there's been nothing eventful really. Not at all. EXCEPT that this is like national 'I want to get back together with Adri week.' Almost all of my exes have called me/texted me/messaged me implying that they want to get back together. The insanity of it all is enough to drive me up a wall! It's confusing and well, just very confusing :( I'll talk to Ann about it if it's still going on next week. I feel like I can go to Ann with anything. She calls us her girls and we call her our grandma. She seriously has some great advice :) 'We usually hang out at Andy's house. Especially because my parents are out of town this week.' Ann: 'Your parents are out of town and you're hanging out at his house?! That's when you go to YOUR house you ding dong!' :) crazy woman :) I love her though :)

Straw dogs last night. Stupidest movie ever from what I understood... Flowers after work. All my coworkers 'Awwwww' my response 'Don't encourage this!!!!' ;) jay kay I love flowers ;) JUMBO POPCORN. 'It was the biggest they had, I hope that's ok' :))))

Oh, hey, I suck at blogging because I'm always busy.
All I do is cut hair, fold panties, take pictures, and hang out with Andy :)
No biggie. My days are so fogged up that it's pathetic.
My mommy is home and I'm a super happy camper now :) Britney makes me completely happy in cosmetology and I'm praying for her a lot lately. I love everything :))
fasdhfiushdfiuhasdfhuasdhfu :)

*said in gay voice* "Andy is heaven sent"

Princess <3

Justin Bieber rented out an entire STADIUM for him and Selena to watch Titanic. Why isn't he MY boyfriend?!?!?!

It's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea, but I'd rather be here than on land

Yes, I know, it's about time that I blog. (Drake, you can stop text nagging me now)
Lets begin on thursday :) Thursday was a really good day :) we took two tests in cosmetology and I did super good :) I only missed two :)) I was super proud of that fact :) so after theory I go to barbering and I'm just chillin like a cool cat and then I get given a client. So I'm like idgaf and I just start doing the haircut. Then Kenzie comes running in and giggling. So I figured there was a hott client outside because that is what we always do around hot guys. Then two seconds later I just hear my name being screamed so everyone's like, 'she's over there!' I turned BRIGHT RED when she found me because there in her arms are some flowers. For me. And everyone is looking at me and my poor client is probably wondering what's going on. And I'm just carrying some flowers. No biggie. And while this is happening Kenzie is screaming, 'I knew it!! I knew it was him! He's so cute!' And I'm just being bright red. The girl that handed me the flowers informs me that there is a card inside. So I read it, and more embarrassingly let the others read it to. 'Bucky, I hope this flower brightens your day like you brighten mine! -princess' This caused a lot of questions. 'Why does he call you bucky?! Why do you call him princess???' Because that's how we do ;) Ann was my favorite part of all because like two weeks ago she was talking to us and I was saying how guys never interest me for very long and how I just need an appreciative guy. Then she sees this! 'Tell him to come in on wednesday or thursday so I can see the boy that makes you all twitterpated!' I love Ann :) So that was my exciting event in class :) then it was eighties night with the girls :) it was super fun :) Rachel is by far my favorite dancer :))) SUPER AWKWARD MOMENT FOR ADRI THOUGH. So I'm dancing just throwing my arms around when this crazy guy starts dancing with me and he's super fun because he's an even crazier eighties dancer than I am and I heard him say his name was peter, but after that I didn't hear anything. So I just keep nodding my head because I thought that was a good idea, but when he walked away JayLynn informed me of what he said. 'He asked for your number! And all you did was nod and keep dancing!' WHY AM I THE MOST EMBARRASSING CREATURE ON EARTH. Either way though, eighties night is my new favorite night :)
Friday was decent :) EXCEPT THAT MY MOM LEFT ME. And I really miss my mom!!! I don't know what I'll ever do without her! But so I was going to have Tori do my nails, but she's SICK so I went somewhere else to get them done and all I can say is what a waste of like forty dollars. I don't like them! I feel like they're crooked. I don't like the color and they're too long. Although when I told Terance I was getting them done he was quite excited. Silly boys. Then I did a little bit of light shopping for my mommy :) Got her some really cute things :) then I went to game night with Andy :) and lets just say I dominate at farkle ;) It was fun :) EVEN THOUGH HE THINKS IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD THAT I LIKE THE UTES. Too bad :) now I just like them more :) And during all of football season I'm going to choose the opposite teams as him :) Take that ;) We were just listening to music last night and during one song I just looked at him and it was like a warm gushy feeling :) and now that song will always make me think of him :)
Sore from sleeping with my bed-hogging puppy

I don't care about being inappropriate or blunt anymore

Today was super fun :) Terrance came in today to get his hair done and it was just nonsense :) it was so much fun to cut because I could basically just take random wacks at it :) It was super fun and everyone around us just watched him as he did his hair. They all thought he was super cool :)
Maria curled my hair today while Britney painted my nails :) I've never felt like more of a princess in my life :)
Yesterday I went to cafe rio with Andy and it was fun because he got to see a bit of my 'Deep side' or whatever (Before last night, I think he thought I was more shallow than a paper plate) He discovered my blog though, so I have something to say.... ANDY IS PASTY WHITE WITH SQUINTY EYES. How'd you like that princess? ;)
I know I've been super junky at blogging lately. I haven't been anywhere near thought provoking and I'm sorry. Maybe I will be again soon. I JUST HAVEN'T BEEN INSPIRED IN SO LONG. I need to hang out with Mike again, he always inspired me. I don't know what I'm going to do..
This is junky :)

It's pretty cute :) need tanning...

You and me need something more, it's time to spread our wings and go.

Last night I cried. A lot. Saying goodbye just means there's going to be another hello.

I talked to Jourdan last night and finally told her the truth. I'm a bitch. She doesn't deserve how many tears she's cried, she doesn't deserve the hurt she's felt. She doesn't deserve what I did to her :( The hardest part is how nice she is. And how alike we really are :| Nik told me we were alike, but forreal, we really have so much in common that it hurts :( One day I hope she finds the most amazing guy in the world that treats her right and respects her and loves her. Honestly, I would be single forever so she could have a fairy tale. Just because I owe her that and because for no reason at all, I care about her. I'm so stupid. 

I'm feeling restless, but I'm tired. Don't want to leave, but I can't stay.

Yesterday at work we had to do self studies that linked back to the new Gorgeous perfume that we got, part of this study was to try on the gorgeous bra and, well, I've got some exciting news. After bulging out of the C cup, I was advised to try on a different size. That's right ladies and gentlemen, I am a 32 D. Some dancing, cheering, and gloating may have been done ;)
I had a little bit of a gossip with Amber :) I hope her and Terrance get married :) :) :) they are just the cutest little couple :)
Tearing off my bandaids this morning almost hurt worse than the piercing :|
I had an amazing client today :) he may have talked me into taking a welding class.
I FUCKING hate tan. She is the biggest bitch I know.

Before watching Contagion: when someone around me was coughing I was like 'idgaf' proceed with hand sanitizer
After Watching Contagion: If somewhere is even 50 feet in my space and they even let out a little sneeze or a sputter of a cough I run away.

The last four days in bullet points:

• School
• N64
• school
• Sorta ditching Nate because some random guy just felt like sitting with me
• workkkk
• homework
• work
• pierced my belly button
• Torbears birthday <3
• Taya <3

Just had a mini breakdown in the bathroom at work. Only Sarah Tovar noticed.

I'm not happy right now. And I don't know what to even do for myself

Drake-isms

'You have utes underwear? DEVIL PANTIES!!!'

'Hows your day sweetheart?'
'Great! I can pee without it hurting!!!'
'Pathetic... YOUR day is even better than mine!'

'If I was a stripper, my name would be Platinum and my pole would be a barber pole!'
'Hahaha... actually that's kind of sexy. Except your name should be Shears!'

'I had a dream you were famous and I begged you to sign my hanes... I wear fruit of the loom!'

Today has been good :) Me and Nate are going to lunch friday and I'm excited because I have so much to tell him :)

Tonight I went on a date with Andy :) we decided that for halloween I'll dress up as woody and he'll be Andy ;) we talked with Pam for a while and talked about his mission and then we went and saw Contagion! Which really wasn't that good, but we stayed and watched anyways. He held my hand and put his arm around me and it was such a crazy feeling because this is ANDY. Childhood Andy that tortured me and laughed at me. It's the weirdest thing ever. I'm still surprised and completely amazed <3 

And with complete horror in his voice, Drake was like 'ADRI, THERE'S A ZEBRA ON YOUR ASS!!!!'

Lets just talk all through the night, there's no need to rush.

So me and Andy have started texting :) and he makes me smile a lot :) it's just so unexpected. I haven't seen him since I was like seven! So it's super weird seeing him and finding attractive and having him find me attractive. I'm sure it's especially weird for him because I'm just 'Ben's little sister' but it's a good weird. It's like I can be comfortable around him immediately because I know him, even though I really don't. It's like he's familiar but new all at once, and I really like that feeling. I like how it's so exciting. We stayed up talking until two-ish in the morning, and it was so unexpected all the butterflies that he gave me. It's almost embarrassing to admit! This boy that tortured me when I was little and terrified me with night creatures is suddenly giving me BUTTERFLIES? Wth?! I guess we'll just have to see what happens with that :)
I was talking to Nik for a little while last night and I always hate when him and Jourdan break up because it makes him so sad :( and I know that in his own way he did love her, to the very best of his ability. It's so sad! He doesn't think that they'll get back together this time either :( Talking to him, I realized how much I really missed him. Not missed his face, not missed being able to touch him, but missed HIM. Just talking to him about everything and having him make fun of me for it. I missed that :) and it's weird that I'd forgotten. 'Tell me you missed my beautiful face!' 'You know me better than that!' After quite some nagging, I got him to say it, in his own way... 'you're pretty, dummy' Close enough ;)
I didn't go to school today because this whole urinary tract infection thing is hell. I have to go to the doctors to have them really see what's up. I'm not gonna lie, it's scary. And it hurts. At least I have Ash Kardash to talk to. I like that I can be close to her and have her be like a second sister to me. I love her <3
Cafe rio and a cuddly puppy <3

In the promise of another tomorrow, I'll never let you part, for you're always in my heart.

It's crazy that on the same day, for the first time, we're single together. For the first time in history. On the same day.
Last night was the worst. Urinary tract infection. Wanted to kill myself.
Andy's homecoming today :) It was fun. He looks completely different, but then kind of exactly how I remember him. 'We used to torture you! I feel bad now!' GOOD ;) because night creatures STILL terrify me! ;) Crazy kid. I'm actually surprised he even remembers me! His mom, Pam is one of the most amazing ladies that I have ever met. I love her :) She was my second mom when I was little and a part of her always will be :) I'm so grateful for the Nixon family :)

Take a chance and don't ever look back.

Nate keeps telling me I did the right thing. But it doesn't always feel like that. He says it will get easier. But I don't know if it will. He says I'll do better. But I don't know if I will. He says to trust him. So I do. And until he proves it to me, I'll just have faith.
Me and Sarah tovar have a new years resolution (crazy I know) by the end of 2011 we will capture hott Rosetta stone boys attention, get his number, and get a date. It's gonna happen for real.
Sarah jungen quit. Anya quit. Pretty much everyone is gone at this point. I'm not sad about Anya though because she was a total bitch. Either way though, the trend is to quit.
Andys homecoming tomorrow :) hopefully singles ward with Sarah from Cosmo. Then it's essay crunch time.
Tonight was homecoming at taylorsville apparently and I couldn't help but reminisce. Back to my sophomore year when I got millions of butterflies from zak asking me. When he put his arm around me and guessed my toe nail polish color. Back to my junior year when I went with Mitchell and I had the best time ever. How our pictures came out perfect and we never ever stopped dancing. Back to my senior year when I looked like ke$ha and Eric looked too proper for me. When I got a watch instead of roses. It's crazy to think about. Exactly a year ago tomorrow, I'll have had that watch on my wrist for the first time. I remember wearing it everywhere and being so proud. God, times change so much. I loved who I was back then and the memories were perfect. But given the choice, I wouldn't go back. I'd just stay right where I am being who I am.
Night lovelies.

I write the most beautiful things about you, I bet you didn't know.

So I was at FYE, just chillin, getting some new music, when this super hott guy just comes up to me and starts looking around the same area as me and he's like 'what are you looking for?' So I told him that I was looking for grieves and he was like 'They don't have it. What'd you get?' So I show him the Wu Tang CD I'd picked out and OMGGG he gives me the sexiest nod of approval I've ever seen!!! He was so effing hott. On a sad note, now I have to just succumb to buying grieves on itunes because I neeeed moreee. I just like having hard copy CDs because I'm retro like that.

I use Omg like a preteen bitch.

I wasn't joking when I said you take my breath away

Bag of nickels client :)

'When I first came to utah I saw a ctr ring and I was like 'oh I love that band!' then they were like 'no it means to choose the right!' 'The right to what? Bear arms?' 'No like right in general' '...I'm not following you...''
I had basically the coolest client EVER yesterday (Actually, my client today was pretty legit, but aaanyways' In the end he payed me all in NICKELS like how legit of a story is that?! He seriously handed me a bag of nickels :) :) :) It was the funniest thing ever :) and me and britney were both just kind of doing his hair, so I was on one side and she was on the other. And we were just chit chatting about absolutely everything, disagreeing on most of it so near the end of his hair cut John, the client, was like 'I feel like I have the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other!' :) I was the angel ;)
I feel super bad about yesterday because Jaylynn met up with this kid anthony, forcing all of us girls to be like six wheels, and I just decided to be a bitch. I was in a very bitch bitch bitch mood and I called him an asshole and all sorts of bad stuff :) oooops.
'I forgot my chapstick!!!' 'Do you want me to bring you some?' '...yes' :)
Today my client was a scout for the JAZZ!!! :) I told him to have ak47 come in some time to see me ;) I would absolutely just DIE if he really does come in :)
Life is so fun :)

On Manuela's facebook, she has her job title as 'Catagory Manager' Lets at least get the SPELLING of your job title down, sweetheart. THE INCOMPETENCY.

Just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams

You wanna hear something absolutely heartbreaking? Almost every person that worked at victorias while I was hired is gone. Karen, Afton, Veronica, Ashley, Jax, Ingrie, Alison, Ish, Shantay, Megan, Hannah, and Ande. They're all gone. Every single one of them. I can't stop thinking about it. Especially Ande. She was just promoted to a manager job. She was getting benefits. But now she's gone. I hate that Sarah Jungen and Sarah Tovar are pretty much the only two that were there when I got hired. And Tiff. Thank god Tiff isn't gone yet. But then as soon as she's done with school, she's off to be a nurse. Then who is there? Nothing but new girls that look at me and think I'm so experienced. Listen to me and wonder 'Who the hell is Ash Kardash? And why is it so funny that you and Tiff would sing?' I don't like thinking about how in just a couple of weeks, nobody will know who I'm talking about.
Last night I had Sarah Seastrand come in to get measured and find a proper bra, because earlier that day she told me she was between a B and a C. NO. So I measured her and I was right :) And she's never had a Victoria's secret bra before, so I bought her this one because I know that they're expensive. It made me so mad though because I was like 'Hey jess, I'm buying this for my friend as a gift, can I get rung up really fast.' 'You aren't going to be reimbursed are you? Because that's shrink.' She seriously accused me of stealing. in front of everyone. I swear to god she accuses me of this SO much. AND I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING.  I think I've bought myself one or two new bras since working there. Other than that, they are all presents for either my mom or my friends. Why is that such a crazy idea?! I just like spoiling people.
Sarah Straley bought me a cookie :) and it was delicious :) I should do go-backs more often ;)
I know you're just afraid of falling for me. And the fact that you're afraid of it proves one thing, that you already are falling. I'm not trying to steal you, I would never want to cause that much pain on anyone, but there's a feeling that I have about you. And it's that I shouldn't give up.
Bahaha Calyn texted me yesterday, and that kid is a freaking hoot. A hoot and a half even. I swear, him and Drake could be brothers. That's why I like talking to him so much, he reminds me of a younger Drake. I say younger because Drake really was different before all this happened. I'm not saying it's bad, I'm just saying that now there's a younger Drake and a more mature Drake. I love mature Drake. But sometimes [very rarely ;)] you've gotta miss that younger obnoxious kid.
School today :) then day off :) thank god, because I can't go to a work that's as empty as it felt yesterday.
'Rapture and high leg briefs are just a joke. I bet the CEO has considered getting rid of them but then he's like 'no, that shits funny'' :)

When the stars are shining I'll be outside, counting them all, with you by my side.

School is so crazy :) I love it :) I had two clients today :) one was a thirtyish year old nurse that was clearly a stud when he was younger and the other was a little black boy that reminded me of satan.
The nurse was named Brad and he was super fun :) just a typical taper haircut but we tried to convince him to get a shave in the end I think we got him to get a pedicure ;)
The little black boy was (there's no way to properly say this) an asshole. From the very beginning. While I was putting his neckstrip on he started to growl at me. Then as me and maria started to cut his hair, he would randomly twitch. He would randomly laugh. He started to mumble. And then he started to count to ten. Then the real madness started. He told us he knew voodoo. That someone was going to die tonight and he knew who it was. He told us if we messed up his hair his mom would kill us. Then he told us he would scratch out our eyes if we messed up. Then he said he was going to kill us. Of course, when his teacher was around, he was completely silent, then when she walked away he would start again. I wanted to beat that kid and his parents because they let him act like that.
Just talking about boob shapes in class ;) my stripper name will officially be PLATINUM :) It's a good one I think.
Work now xxx

Forever isn't long at all when I'm with you.

Key points:
I'M AN AUNT!!!!! <3 as of last night, I'm officially an auntie :)
Went to Colton's being home party and I forgot how much I missed him, Jordan, and Desi :)
Closing was a bitch tonight at work :/
New friends at work :)
Little rascals yesterday <3
Jessica: 'Are you Adri's boyfriend'
'no'
'Are you sure? you're giving me the scared boyfriend look'
(later) 'Adri was that your boyfriend?'
'No'
'He should be, you kids are in love' I love My manager <3

I'm the kind of girl that likes to rock the beat, knocks you off your feet.

I'll stop being such a crappy blogger. Eventually. I feel like I have so much to catch up on and it's so overwhelming!!!
We'll start with my mad deal skills. It's the panty raid, meaning 7 for $25. I had a twenty dollar of coupon. That made my panties 78 and 79 CENTS each :) :) :) pro stat. 'Tight end' ;)
The night that I went out with Adrian was a bad night :| I had this huge unexplainable breakdown at around two in the morning. Resulting me in calling Terance. And resulting in him getting his dad. I can't explain it. When I was a little kid, I was terrified of a story about 'night creatures' even though I had no idea what they were. And for some reason that night all those feelings came back in this huge overwhelming way. I physically hurt thinking about it and I didn't think I was going to be ok. It was very strange but with the help of Mr. Trover I made it alright :/
Yesterday I went out with the boyfriend. And we were just driving along then he pulls off to the side of the road so I'm like 'wtf?!' and he's like 'I gotta take a wiz' Then he picks a sunflower for me instead :)) I don't think Adrian is gonna like me anymore after he saw me yesterday... oh well :)
Closing last night was great. Touching too many panties is scientifically proven to make you insane. 'Well, I just know it goes somewhere' simultaniously me and Tiff bust out in 'SOMWHEREEE OVERRR THE RAAAAINBOW!!!' 'Sing me something romantic' 'When the moon hits your eyesss...' ;) It was basically a karaoke night ;) 'it the eyeee of the tigerrr!' 'Tiff, what was that song we were singing?! the one about the beat?!' Emily: 'oh I know, I know... I get knocked down!!' ;)
This was a significantly confusing post <3

One down, a billion others to try ;)

Reasons why I'll never go out with Adrian again:
He was extremely cocky
He didn't even dress nice
I'm not attracted to him even though he's attractive
He just talks about himself
He has ADD and won't focus for even two seconds
Our conversations had no flow
I was thinking of Nate the whole time :|
he gets jealous easy
And the number one reason why: he tried to tell me I've never been in love. That is completely ignorant and untrue. At this point in the date I was over it. Free movie though ayyy. Apollo 18 was pretty legit. 
Yesterday I got tipped $5. The haircut is only $2. Am I awesome or what ;)

Love's too tough, I won't give up, no not on us.

I had two clients yesterday :)) I did my first ever taper and the teacher didn't even have to fix it :) She fixed Timmy's a little bit, but his hair was SO thick :| I don't even care :) tipstipstips :) :) :)
IT'S ALMOST HALLOWEEN! I NEED TO START MAKING MY WINGSSSS!
I can't stop listening to the 80's. Madonna just makes me smile.
Still loving college, still loving life <3

New kid on the blog had a bunch of hits. Chinese food makes me sick.

TodayTodayToday <3
So yesterday when we had Andrew the hott client leave we were all like 'If we ever see him again, it will be destiny!' ...We saw him again today in the cafeteria!!! It was so crazy!
'Is greg short for gregory?' 'no' (office lady comes up) 'You can come back with me, greg' Me: 'It's gregory' :)
Cosmo is the freakin best :) We went out to lunch and saw the hottest piano player ever :) mmmm :)
The fact that I don't even like cats, doesn't matter at all. Just wait for these pictures.
Made some scrambled pancakes for the boyfriend :) 'do you have any orange juice?' So I gave him orange soda :)

Stranger: 'I'm brad, but my friends call me Mr. steal your girl'
Me: 'I'm pretty sure that's copyrighted'
Then I walked away.