Sweetheart, you only live one time

I'm overwhelmed by life right now. Every aspect of life.
I don't know why I ever told you anything. I knew I shouldn't have, but I did. And it was stupid. I cried to you and it didn't mean anything to you. You weren't a good friend like I thought. You said to my face that you understood, but behind my back you tell people I don't deserve him. The person that helped me the most, the person that was a TRUE friend through this was Britney. Blue haired, non-christian Britney. People like YOU and people like HER make me single handedly doubt everything about religion. Because how come someone that doesn't go to church or institute know how to treat me better than someone who does. She doesn't think she deserves more than me because she thinks she's more 'pure' she knows we're equal. That we're all just trying to do the same thing. I know Sarah falls asleep at night thinking that she deserves Andy more than someone 'like me' ever could. I know it makes her angry that he could like someone 'like me' I know she wonders why she hasn't met a boy when someone 'like me' has them all over. I know she thinks she's better than people 'like me' but I'm a person too. I want the same things she does. To love, be loved, and make it back to god. So why is she so much better? Because she's enrolled in institute. I was in seminary when she wasn't. What's the difference? I know people 'like her' look at me and think I have things I don't deserve, they look down on me, judge me. People 'like her' look at me and know I'm not good enough for Andy. And I'm starting to believe them. People don't accept me with him, why would they. He's just too good for me. And god forbid I ever have something that's good or something that others might want. I'm not good enough to be accepted by Mormons. And I'm not bad enough to be accepted anywhere else. If other people can't accept me, why the hell would I accept myself? How can I when I don't fit anywhere. When people don't let me in. When my own friends look at me and don't think I'm enough. I've always struggled with thinking I'm 'enough' smart enough, skinny enough, good enough, perfect enough, pretty enough. And right as I was starting to, people let me know that I'm not and that I'll never be. I think about just giving up now. Giving up my relationship because sooner or later he'll see what everyone else does. Giving up hair because even THAT can be taken from me. Just giving up.
Days like this make is hard to believe in anything. In myself, in love, in God. And I've been having days like this so often lately that I'm losing faith. I feel weak again. All that strength and self esteem I had back in April. It's gone. Just from her saying 'If I were Andy, I wouldn't take her back.' I wanted to cry in the bathroom after Maria told me. Then I wanted to say 'If I were Izzie, I wouldn't like you either' but I didn't and I won't. I'll continue smiling and letting her take things from me. THIS is why my friends don't meet my boyfriends. Because jealousy. They're never just happy for me they can only think 'Well, I just really like him, and you don't deserve him the way I do' As if I'm supposed to say 'yes, you're right. I'm scum and you're heaven sent. Here, please take the boy I like.' Fuck that. Grow some balls and meet your own guys instead of just waiting for him to fall in your lap. I'm disgusted with humankind. And with growing up, I've found that I'm disgusted more often than not.
Life shouldn't be about people 'like me' or people 'like her' it should be about striving to be 'like Him' to be 'like Jesus' that's what this should all be about. But it isn't. Because there will always be people 'like me' and people 'like her' #giving up on trying to have a life and or friends.