If darkness blinds you, I will shine to guide you.

It has been absolutely hectic! So I'll be the very first to admit that I've been quite awful at blogging lately. That means that once again, I'll just do the main points and high lights of my 'winter break'
On tuesday I went swimming. And got a new shirt. And then went to my moms birthday party. It was uneventful to say in the least.
Wednesday was a really good day :) I started my day by waking up way way wayyyy too early so I stayed in bed and watched the devils arithmetic. I almost cried like seven times during that movie. I'd forgotten how much faith and god are intertwined in that movie. My favorite part was when they were in the camp and the girl was asking if god was punishing her for being a 'foolish girl' I don't know why, but that almost made me cry. Especially because the other girl firmly denied that it was a punishment, because why would god punish all the little children that were there too? It was just a really good way to start off my day I think :) then I was starting to do my homework when Eric came over :) :) :) I really don't even remember doing anything, but I had an amazing time :) I missed him so much so I'm so glad I got to see him :) He's pretty much my besss frenn. I feel bad though. Because he stayed to watch needles get shoved through my ears! Poor kid. But it hurt so much :/ it looks good though :) I can't wait for the six weeks to be over so I can put my diamonds in :) So everything was all fine and dandy and then me and Eric looked outside. And it was snowing dump trucks I swear! So then he had to leave and I was super worried because I didn't want him to have to drive so far away in the snow :| but he was kind of happy because he thought my 'hot date' with Erik would be cancelled. Bahaha little did he know... ;) but he made it home ok and that made me happy :) he even helped me try to decide what to wear on my date. He firmly believed that sweats were the way to go and definitely not party pants! I did not wear sweats though... sorry Eric.
My date with Erik was actually really fun. We wanted to go to sub zero, but when we got there it was closed because of the weather. So we went to yogurt land instead and it was way good :) I feel like me and mitchell went to yogurt land once to try to get something free, but we didn't. I don't remember when that would be though.. Anyways, so then we went to his friends house and we played taboo for the rest of the night. It was wayy fun but I got a little competitive :| and what kind of a loser can't guess Mary poppins??? Especially while I'm the chim chimminy song??? What a loser... And I got home on time and that was that. I even remembered to call Eric right as I got home because he was so worried about me ;) Silly kid :)
Yesterday was homework day :| all. day. long. I seriously took zero breaks. And I still didn't even finish!!! So then I just exhausted myself to tears because I didn't accomplish anything. I hate that feeling. I'm almost done with my homework though... I'll just finish up today. I wish winter break wasn't almost over :/
I really do appreciate my dad trying to help me with my homework even if he did screw it up a little bit. I really do appreciate that. Thank you, daddy.

When Eric was over I was going through my purse to look at the shirt I was given. I take it out. Show him. Then take a closer gander.
(pause) Me: 'I hate the devil wears prada...'
Eric: 'bahahaha'
Life is the best :)

Stay golden.

Yes, I am aware that I haven't blogged in a very long time. So I'll make it up to all of you right now :)
So I guess I should start with Christmas. This year I felt absolutely no magic. And I don't know why. Because I did last year, and I didn't have any surprises then either. But it's ok. I still had a good time seeing all of my family. I love my new extensions, but I still question if they are too long. I dunno :) I can't wait to curl them for sweethearts. I hope I look pretty. Maybe I'll wear them to Jimmy's too. And if we have a pajama stomp I'll wear them then too. And I'll wear the new slutty pajama's Katie gave me :) I love her so much! Anyways, back to christmas. My gramma gave me a new Barbie, and her dress is gorgeous. I wish I could wear gowns like that more often. I hope my job allows me to wear gowns :) I think it would be fun to be some sort of a Barbie designer. And I was thinking about it on Christmas, and I think I need to look into it more. I can see myself being happy with that job. Bahaha so when my family went to my other grandmas I felt pretty amazing. Because aunt mary was super supportive of everything I said. And when stacy glares at my outfits for being so revealing, I get a little kick out of it. And I wore my best friend toms because I miss Mitchell. It was a pretty good day.
I went shopping on sunday and got some new jeans from bohme boutique :) :) it would be fun to work there, but I think I would get a little too bitchy for my own good. And I got the cutest purse :) Kercee will be proud ;) Teri brought me another cheeseball and it made me one happy woman :) I live for that thing. LIVE FOR IT! I spent the evening coloring in my princess coloring book :)
Yesterday I went and saw Katie :) we gave each other christmas gifts and went shopping :) It was so nice seeing her :) I miss her so much. A huge part of me wishes she never would have moved. We would probably be so different though. So I guess I'm thankful that she left.
Then I went and met someone that I've been meaning to meet for a long time. And he's wayyyy shorter than I expected. But I know I'm not exactly what he bargained for either. It was fun though. I thought it was funny that he was so amazed by the gateway. It's really not that big of a deal...
'You need to hang out with aunt mary more so you learn how to be a real bitch' -My mumzy :)
Tomorrow is ear piercing day :) :) :) I'm so so so excited!!! And I think I might burn a heart into my hand tonight! I'm so nervous though. I can't think though, I gotta just do it. And I really wanna put some dark brown in my bangs just to see. I can't wait to go back to school :) I have a plan and I need to put it into action before I chicken out.
Oh dear lord I need to start making my prom dress :| today hopefully....
Happy birthday, mumma :) you don't look a day over 43 ;) but if you dressed like mary it would be a whole other story... ;) I love you :) :) :)
I don't know what to do about that date tomorrow. If I stood him up on a group date I would look like wayy too much of a douche. So tonight I'll see what everyone says about it.

Maybe life isn't about having a plan. Or even a backup plan. Maybe it's about seeing where life takes you and learning to enjoy the ride.

So the date that Erik cancelled to 'go shopping' was complete bull shit. He took Abby smith instead. Fuck you Erik. You're an asshole. So on wednesday, when we were going to go, I'm going to stand your ass up you pointless mother fucker. I'm way too fucking hot to deal with your shit. Have fun with your slut.
Ta ta, bitches.

I want to be free of this life.

What I love about Patty is that she makes me feel like I've made a difference. Like I'm doing something special and important. Just because I made a list. That inspired her to make one. And I love that she got a tattoo because of me. And the tells people it's her 'Adri tattoo' I love that even if I died tomorrow, I've inspired one person to live life. I love that Patty makes everyone feel welcome. Hugging everyone and remembering all the details of their lives, even though the holidays are hard for her too. Tracy is the same way. Remembering our boating adventures and the things I told her. I think she is absolutely beautiful just because of her personality. Both of them. They're just so bubbly and outgoing. I adore them.
This year the family christmas party was a success in my eyes. It felt just like it used to. Even though it still doesn't feel like christmas.
Terrance's girlfriend is going to pierce my ears for me :) and I'm way excited. She's so gorgeous. In the most unique way. Her and Terrance are adorable together :)
This next week is going to be the week of dates :) and I'm so so so excited :) :) :) I hope they're good :) I think it will be. I just wanna have fun :) I'm nervous to go on a swimming date though! I don't want to look disgusting or anything! Ahhh! Wish me luck, everyone :)
I'm so excited to do Kercee's extensions :) I love her so much :) I hope me and her can go on our road trip :)

Just our hands clasped so tight, waiting for the hint of a spark.

Me and Mitchell got our best friend Toms yesterday :) and I love them so much :) I love that people out on the street will be like 'wow they must be close. Their shoes match!' I love that I'm already getting compliments on them and I love that nobody is really sure that it's a forest. They say my name on the back and bahaha on the side :) I can't imagine anything better than that :) My favorite was halfway through when I realized that the other shoe would say 'hell'
To the worker, holding our feet apart: 'Do these match????!!!!'
'... those ones are white...'

'Ok ok put your foot down!'
Bahahaha
Worker: 'well, those don't match' :) you're too honest :)

For the first time, when the Daniel's cheese ball came, I didn't immediately dig in. Because I was sick. And I was crying. And I just wanted to disappear. I just felt awful. I woke up in the morning and felt better though. A little. Not a ton. But a little.

If I don't find true love, I'll stay alone forever. Lonely and alone. But at least I won't settle for love that's a lie.

I'm sick of being so serious!

I've eaten sooo much today. As in wayy too much! We had a party in cosmetology and I just pigged out :) then I got locked out of aerobics so me and Mitchell just sat in the hall. In government we watched jingle all the way :) I love that movie :) it made me so happy :) and Erik asked me for my number. We were going to go on a date tomorrow but we decided that after Christmas will be better :) I don't really care I just wanna have fun :) 
Let's make a deal was amazing :) Parker and Logan shaved their heads bald :| and Lynnsee ate mayo straight :) bahaha :) I made friends with the girls in front of us. I like that they looked up to me and Mitchell :)
Me and Hannah had a competition with ben and becca. It was a challenge of gingerbread houses :) me and hannahs was wayy cute but bens was hilarious with the dead Santa and sad house :)

I run recklessly.

So today Kercee had an ugly sweater party and her sweater totally made my day :) because then when I went to english ms aalen had the same one :) I almost bahaha'd!
But me and Kercee and Lundon had good talks today. She told us about her friend committing suicide and it was the saddest thing ever! When she told us about how his phone won't turn off even without the battery in and how it sent a blank text to her friend, I honestly got the chills. And we talked about Megan being mad at Kercee. I know it sounds stupid but I never expected rumors to be going around about either of them. I guess that's just the illusion of being at gti. I love them all so much though. But miriam is a little difficult to relate with..
Child care was the best :) I adore Lisa and Tina so much :) and I really missed Ashley! Lisa: (whispering) 'I was talking' oh gosh :) everyone stared at us like we were crazy!
Ms rockwell: 'why are you guys out in the hall?!'
Mitchell: 'I heard it was snowing and wanted to know if it was true..'
The Santa that came to preschool was so sketchy.. I loved how Atticus immediately ran away to his mom and started crying :) sooo cute :)
Today at lunch Abby and hope stole Tina from us and our spot! But in the end, we won. Oh we won. And Kira showed up :) :) :) it was amazing to see her :) I enjoyed her rule about the snow :)
English was fun because we just sat and talked :) I love just talking to them :) it's always so much fun! And I feel like I learn so much about them. I had no idea about a lot of things. Like how nik always opens doors for girls. And how empathetic he really is. And how super strict sarahs mom is. I just love getting to know everyone so much more :)
It's been a really good day :)

Be forever near me.

Today was circuit in aerobics :) me and mitchell in the same group automatically means trouble :) especially when tossing balls is a part of it :) Robbin: 'now be careful, kids!' Us: 'Throw them at eachother!!!' Then we proceeded to make an obstacle course with the steps. Then we played hands up stands up and double duch. Oh yes. We. Are. The. Cool. Group.
But then we were pussies. We slowed down to make sure we didn't see Dylann and as soon as we saw him, we ran. Like full on ran!
Today was the choir concert. Me and Mitchell weren't even being that loud, but we still got scolded. 'Will you two please just shutup or move?!' No... we're being quiet... then like a child he put his foot on the seat next to me and banged his knees into my chair. What a toolbag!
We're leaving the concert. Then I see it. The scarf. So we stole it. Right off of the statue. Take that T-ville :)
I got mitchell his panties :) his mom: "WHO GOT YOU PANTIES?!" oh yes :)

Nathaniel ray the iPhone is dead.

This weekend had completely sucked! I've never pictured myself to be the girl to drop her phone in the toilet. Especially not an iPhone. But I guess I am. I cried my freaking eyes out. Because I lost so much. There was one note called when I call you sweetheart and I want it back so much. But I guess it's lost forever. But I got a new phone. And just have to accept the facts. I hope this week flies by.

I'm so glad you made time to see me.

Yesterday I bought a new set of extensions :) The 22's that I've been longing for for what seems like forever :) And even though the lady that helped us was a little too chatty and 'uman hair instead of human hair, she made me feel all comfortable. Because she is one of the only people that I've met that thinks it's completely ok (and encouraged) to not shower every day, or even every other day. She says right on to people that shower only once or twice a week. That's what I loved about her, she understands that we'll go to any length to keep those extensions for as long as possible, she understands the addiction. I love everything about rockstar extensions :) everything from the class, to the store, even to the endless chaos of trying to get all of my kit. I love that Scott made me a true rockstar :)
In cosmetology I burned my finger :/ which just added to the pain of having the holes in my feet burned off :( but it was worth it being around everyone. I hope working in a salon is the same as being in beauty school, because I love it :) I'm so glad I have that to escape. I'm grateful that they've never judged me because they don't know about how I'm on seminary council. They don't know all the rumors that are going around. They just know that I'm a morning person and that I drink a lot of water. They know about my boy stories and about my obsession with prom. They even know about Dylann and his threats, but they still treat me the same. I can be myself around them. I love cosmetology. I love the girls and I love Mamma Julie :)
Tina painted my nails in child care/lunch. And it felt like we were at a sleepover. It was fun. And even sitting in our spot at lunch with Rachel right there talking to Ashley and Jordan felt pretty normal. Not like comfortable or anything, but I felt pretty great. Because I don't wear tights with holes unless they're deliberate holes. My high heals are higher than hers, and she had a mascara smear under her eye. What kind of friends wouldn't tell her to wipe that off? Mine do. My friends take care of me and allow me to look my best. I felt safe sitting between Mitchell and Tina. I know they have my back.
The two best compliments I've ever gotten were 'You look like that girl from London' and 'You remind me of Jenny on gossip girl.' I was thinking about it and I even have the gay best friend like Jenny does :)
I saw a commercial for pretty little liars and thought of Drake. :)

You think I'm weak. I think you're wrong.

I wasn't even expecting what Katie had told me. Even when she told me to look up the article about the accident I thought it was because she was in school and wanted me to tell her about it. 'That was my car' I hadn't even looked at the pictures so I didn't even know how bad it was. And I still automatically felt the tears form in my eyes. And when I looked down at my feet, the tears were forced out. Because I was wearing Katie's socks the day she's gotten in an accident. Even though I was surrounded my a ton of people, only one person noticed that I was crying. Ethan. Not Erik because he was too busy looking at Abby. Just Ethan. And even though he didn't offer that much advice, I'm still extremely grateful that he noticed. Extremely grateful.
It was hard going to see Katie. Seeing her all banged up. Listening to her talk. Looking at the pictures. It hurt like hell and it made me sick to my stomach. I know her dad felt the same way. I don't know why I have so much empathy to the other families or why I'm taking it so personally, but I am. I don't even know why I came home and had a personal breakdown about all of it, but I did. I just sat in my room crying. And I didn't even know who to turn to because honestly nobody wanted to deal with me. And that just made me cry harder. I felt empty and drained. And I had to handle it all by myself. And right as I was thinking about how alone I was, I knew that I felt god. I know that everything will be ok. I don't know if the two girls will be, but I know that everything will be. I don't know why I was so affected by the girl in the passenger seat. But I am. I'm afraid that her life will be ruined, if she wakes up at all. I feel so much for her family, because I know what it's like waiting for someone to wake up out of a coma. You can't do anything about it except for cry and hope. Then you start to blame. I blamed the other driver, who had been speeding and talking on the phone. I blamed them for colliding with Dixon, who hadn't been doing anything wrong. I hated that person. And I hated them even more for coming out unscathed while my best friend was in a hospital bed. I know how that family is feeling. I know, I understand. So I know it's horrible, but part of me was angry. I'm eternally grateful for Katie being ok, but I was still angry on behalf of the other family. I know it's childish, but I understand their point of view more than I can understand my best friend's. Maybe that's why I so easily related with them. Maybe that's why I was crying. I felt like I was going through it with them all over again. And that made me think about what I'd gone through sophomore year waiting for Dixon to wake up. And he wasn't even as bad as this girl is. Part of me is still terrified and still wants to cry, but I know god has a plan for them and that it's the best way. So I'm not crying about it anymore because my faith is overpowering my fear. And that's a good feeling.
I was talking to Tera yesterday about everything in my life. And she told me about what she had been going through when Dixon was in an accident. At the time, I hadn't thought about it. I only knew that it felt like me and Terance were losing a brother. But to her it was like losing a son. She'd taken care of him and nurtured him. She had basically adopted him. That's the thing about Tera. She always wanted a bigger family. Specifically she'd wanted two boys and one girl. So that's what she created. She made her own family. Tera didn't just feel like she was losing a son, she was losing a son. If there is one person that knows empathy backward and forward, it's Tera. She told me about the whole experience of what it's like to be the parent of the child in critical condition. And I felt it so much more after talking to her. She wanted to do something, anything to help, she was willing to pay any amount to insure that her child would be safe. I know that's what love is. I know those parents are going through the same thing Tera did. I hope everything works out for them too.
'When I first saw him in the hospital bed, it was like a complete and total shock. Because I didn't see the eighteen year old Dixon, I saw him when he was younger. The child that used to steal my cookies right out of the oven. The child that took obnoxious photographs with his new camera. I saw a tiny person. And at that moment, I realized I would lay down my life for that tiny person.'

I have learned so much.

Looking for a thrill, but you've done it all.

Today has been absolutely crazy. It started out good. I knew it would be a good day from the moment that Ke$ha played on the radio. It's always a good day when the radio god plays my favorite songs. It was an eye opening lesson in seminary about how the devil deceives us. He'll use truths and disguise sins in there. Like how he makes people think that they can do anything and that they'll be forgiven. That's the wrong intent of sin. It's mocking the atonement of Jesus, but it seems ok because part of it is true. We will be forgiven. God will always love us, but we need to have the right intent. We always need to be on the lookout of the devils ways.
In cosmetology my secret santa gave me all my stuff. It was so so so adorable and it completely made my day. I still have no idea who it was though :) they were pro. As soon as I left to the bathroom they ran and put it on my desk. It was the very cutest. I love them for doing that for me. And I did an updo today and it came out really good. I'm going to practice so much over christmas break until I'm the best. I didn't want cosmetology to end today. I love my girls.
Katie's car accident taught me more about empathy than I thought was even possible. I'll blog about it more tomorrow. I'm just going to pray tonight. This is all in god's hands now. And I trust in him. For what feels like the first time in a long time.

I'm so grateful.

It's time to get out of the desert and into the sun. Even if it's alone.

My loves :)

Hey Cali, you have a hawt son... but only without the afro ;) I love you Cali :) :)

Danielle is just over thinking her hair. It was so much more beautiful before. And she's just wrecked it to pieces. Blue and black? With straight across bangs?! Woof...  

Megan!!! Open your present right now! Hurry up so we can open your secret santa gift!!! 'We?' "I wonder who it's from.. look around the room and see who's watching us!' Megan the tag says lesley...

Jessica do Megan's makeup!!! Do it!!! I swear I was more excited than Megan was..

We rolled a perm today. And I don't know if Lundon will be able to move on to barbering with us. She's missed so much and really isn't up to all of our knowledge. I really hope she makes it though..

Preston: 'I have four girlfriends.'

Me: 'oh who?'

'Shaylee, Krista, Kendra, aannnddd... you!' Apparently I'm going out with a four almost five year old..

'That's what she said!!!' Atticus! Where did you hear that?! Later he danced on a table and all his mom said is 'Are we serious right now?'

Color the square on your snowman now! Seth looks at us for a second. Takes the green crayon. And massacres the whole snowman. 

Seth has a huge man crush on Mitchell. A HUGE man crush... but then again I am the one with the four year old boyfriend..

Where is hott english kid :( I've curled my hair alllll week and he hasn't even seen it :/

Abby took our spot at lunch. What a child. That's pretty elementary. She needs to accept the fact that Tina is ours now. When I look at her I still think about her secret and I get all smug inside.

Part of me feels like I'm gone. I used to always smile. Now I find it easier and easier to just not. I hate school. I hate what everyone says about me. I hate that I'm closest to girls from other schools. I hate I'm always lonely. I hate highschool.

 'Don't ever go to high school, Dorota. The girls are spoilt, stupid, and ungrateful' -Blair Waldorf. 

What's sad is how much I agree with that. But I pretty much want to change it to mormons are spoilt, stupid, and ungrateful. Why do only old people tell me that my eyes sparkle and that I have an amazing spirit? Why doesn't anyone see that except for my bishop, Dixie, Melba, Lady, and my seminary teachers. Why only them? I don't think I'll change the world the way that I wanted to. I feel so resigned right now. So just done with even trying. I want to famous just so I can stand up and give a speech about what bitches and assholes everyone in highschool was. And yeah, I'll use their real names. I'll let the world know about what a dick the whole eyre family is. And how all I needed was for someone to reach out and they just pushed me farther away. I'll let the world know everything. Even how I was always the ugly girl that people made fun of. Then a couple years later all those guys that made fun of me wanted my number. And I'll tell them how fucking good it felt to say no. 

I need to be successful because I've gone through hell to get there.

Young love murdered. That is what this must be.

I broke my own heart.

I love beauty school :) I love the morning bus rides with Sarah and the walk to our building. I love that Meagan curled my hair even though it was already curly. I love that we all cheer when lundon comes and I love that we all notice eachother's hair. I love that we share the actual same passions.
I know you're one of my best friends, but you're pissing me off. You're emphasizing something that you used to be ashamed of. You're nothing but an attention seeker. You keep changing things to get the most out of it. And you need to stop. Please stop. Please? you're losing me..
I love knowing this Abby secret. 'Isn't she a good girl?' Hell no. Everyone thinks she is and I'm not, but it's actually reversed. I'm a good girl :)
Lunch was awful.  but everything will get better.

I can charm the pants off anyone else. but you.

Today was pretty good :) I tried to teach miriam how to curl hair... but that girl is fairly hopeless. While I was sitting there in that barbering chair wondering if my hair would be completely trashed for the rest of the day I realized something. If I was a paying customer, there would be no way in hell that I would let Miriam touch my hair. Not with her lack of confidence and experience... and especially not with her awful style and overall appearance. She should probably work on that if she wants to make it. I hate to say, but to go far in this industry.. being beautiful sells. That's how you gain a clients trust right off the bat. So Miriam, come on.. who are you kidding. Let me give you those bangs I was telling you about...
Me and Kercee took pictures together today. Yes, we are on that level as of now. And I love that we even matched a little :) so cute :)
Mitchell was dumped for no good reason. After that little of a time you just know it was about commitment issues or what his friends thought. That's just childish. Mitchell will do wayy better because that is what he deserves. He'll find someone that completes him in due time.
Kira in childcare makes my life :) she evens the group out, because she is the rational one. Me and Mitchell are the loud overdramatic ones. Tina is the random one with food. And Lisa and Ashley are the relatable ones. We just kind of work :) But I find myself really relating to Kira lately. Not even relating, but finding advice in the stories she tells. I don't even know if she means to do that or not, but it happens. I know that her and Mitch will work out in the end though. Even through the 'long distance' January. I know it will work out when She's in new york and he's in L.A. I find faith in the relationship that they have. I see hope for the rest of us. That there is someone out there that is our best friend that we happen to fall in love with. That there is just someone out there for us.
Tina told me a secret about Abby :) and I lovee knowing it. I'm dying to share it with the world, but I know I can't do that. Lets just say there is a lot about her that the Eyer's don't know..
Tina is adorable :) I like that she comes to me for boy advice :) and that she stills see relationships and guys the way that seventh graders kind of do. But Tina is amazing, and I know that as soon as she lets her guard down and stops looking, there's gonna be a great guy there for her. There's a lot about Tina that reminds me of something. Kind of like myself, but not even that. I just feel like there is something about her that I need to discover. I don't even know if that makes sense, but I know I need her in my life and that I need to be in hers. It's almost like there's potential.
Me and my mumma went to the library together today :) because I wanted to go, but I just didn't want to be alone today. I love the library. I think it's always been my safe place. I used to go when I was little to just go to different places. I went there when I was sad and found Kaylee there to help through it all. I go there when I'm lonely or bored. And I always find something there for me. The library brings me what I need. How romantic would it be if I met my husband there :)
Then I re-curled my hair for tomorrow :) I hope sleeping on it doesn't make it too ruffled up. Maybe a little sexed up.. but not too ruffled! ;)
Today was a nice day :) And now I'll fall asleep with my curled hair wearing my sweatpants and Eric's shirt. Oh yes. I love my life :)
p.s. eric, you really are a good friend to me.

you're not ugly, society is.

Dear person... I love you :)

I feel so untouched right now.

Soo yesterdayy me and my mumma went christmas shopping <3 I love her a little bit. And we're going to get matching bras :) :) :) as a matter of fact, the bombshell really does add two cup sizes. You should see me as a d cup. It's not that awkward. It actually evens me out and my hips look smaller (or the attention is just drawn to my boobs..) but this is the bra I shall wear next halloween. The semi annual sale needs to hurry up :) :) :) I got a new coloring book. I think my mom got it for me because she made me feel bad for crying. People asking me questions leads me to crying these days :| I'm just being dramatic... all. the. freaking. time. But my new coloring book is pretty sweet :) it's a princess book :)
I painted my nails today :) with green glitter and black. Hello.. I belong to slytherin?
And I watched aladin :) and I read the book of luke all day. Good lord I love that book. I just love that everything goes wrong and she still wouldn't change one goddamn thing. And I love that no regrets is pretty much the theme. I'm going to start taking dixon's advice (most of it.. well, select parts) and I'm going to just live. Without giving a shit. I think that's how it's supposed to work anyways.
Just sitting here, I feel free. I am free.
Keep the shit talking everyone.. I'm a pretty hot subject. I'm a pretty big deal thanks to all of you.

If tumblr wasn't so slow life would be perfect!
fffff

Hot like Mexico.

Today was a great day.
Mr curtis caught me in the mid-act of cheating. ULTIMATE fail. But I turned it into love instead. ;)
Erik is a jackass. 'Where can I find a decent woman?' You never say that in front of a woman ya idiot..
Deck the halls is going to be so cute :) me and mitchell took a picture with the nutcracker!
Cleaning the huntsman center was amazing. I met pablo's friends and they supplied us with food :) me and mitchell spent almost the entire time avoiding boss man and plotting ways to steal dipping dots. In the end, I shoved a sharpie in it and broke the bag. It then became a blur of me and mitchell stuffing handfuls in our mouths and throwing them around like confetti :) baby: 'Don't you know that's a crime?!'
Then there's the bird. We like to keep a close eye on the bird. 'SHE'S RUNNING!!!!' She is just too easy. That's why I absolutely love the bird.
Dear you, text me. Want me. Love, me.

Hot and dangerous.

Me and Kira had a really good talk last night. She's one of the first people that has understood what I'm talking about. She gave me some amazing advice. And I was crying while we were talking, but I'm taking the first steps. I love you Kira. I missed you so much today in child care.
Once again me and my coloring book had an amazing time together. I love him. All my future coloring books are named Herb.
Kaitlin made my day :) 'Can I borrow your homecoming dress for the ke$ha concert' :) :)
I hope that everything with Lundon works out. She deserves so much more than what she has. She's so amazing. My first cosmetology friend. And now look where I am. Kercee looked amazing today :) I want the makeup that she got in vegas. Dearrr lord I want it.
The victoria secret fashion show was amazingggg :) :) :) I just want to grow up and wear wings. Next year for halloween I'm dressing up as a victoria secret model. ...Mumma said she would make me wings..
'Lisa may threatened to killed me!!!' 'With a name like Lisa may no she didn't...'
I skipped the swim meet because I just didn't feel like going. I hope mitchell did amazing!
I miss Cambry! I haven't seen her in forever. But I liked her picture in her bra in the woods. I want to do it because she looked so free :) maybe when I get my bright blue bra ;)
My dad: 'you just want a pink car so only you and mom can drive it huh?' :) and to be like barbie... duh ;)
I love walmart because no matter what I get checked out :)
So I'm at the drinking fountain. Then the people next to me just talk to me. 'Hey sexy! You looked pretty sexy in your swim suit yesterday' Yehh, I know I did. But you're a sketch, so I'll just pretend that I can't hear you ;)
Mitchell went to gateway yesterday and saw my picture :) I like that he was so proud of me :) I love being able to say that I'm a legit model.
Mitchell and pablo :) :) :)
'I wanna wrap you up in my love forever...' 'are you drunk' 'NO! I'm listening to Ke$ha!!!!'
Me and Mitchell love justin bieber. Just slightly ;) I like that even the cottonwood girls from the chiron showcase knew we were best friends. Cheyenne doesn't like me. And you know it's just because Rachel doesn't like me. And you know that's just because I got Eric. Sorry I'm just such a winner... ;)
I'm just in an amazing mood :)
Terbear, thank you for always being in my life. You're amazing. I love you.
'A slugbug is more girly than a tt!' 'You're just saying that to defend your boyfriend!' stfu mumma :)
I officially announce that this blog was too random for even my liking. Suck it.
xxxxxx

I knew I loved you before I met you.

Believe in Love.

Oooh today.
It can be summed up with my coloring book. Oh me and my coloring book.
'Cows are black!' Kercee: 'Are you sure about that?..' :)
Water aerobics. Yehh that's no big deal. Me and mitchell just ran through the halls wet and half naked. Whatev. A few guys whistled. Old Tracker guy: 'We don't see that many half naked people running the halls anymore. Maybe we wanna see more' SKETCH! Yehh no biggie, my body makes em whistle ;)
So then I go to history. And people start asking me questions about things. And I cry. Of course. Then Erik asks me if I wanna know a secret. I'm thinking he'll tell me something inspiring about his experience with god or something. No, it's just that he likes Abby smith. I don't give a shit if you like her Erik, I'm freaking crying over here...
And I knew not to wait for Mitchell after school. But I'm a tool bag. And I had forgotten. So then I waited anyways :|
me and my coloring book hung out after school.
Then we're gunna watch the victoria secret fashion show tonight. Just me and my coloring book.
This is the life..

Rescue me.

So I go to the eye doctors and a complete stranger decided to gossip about me to her daughter. 'That dress is way too short!' No, bitch, my legs are just too long.
I'm wearing Triton's shirt because it was a bad day and it brings me a small amount of comfort. Like he's still with me. I needed him so much today.
I'm sick of always feeling sad because of Rachel. But I always will.
It hasn't been a very good day.
It was nice relating to Tina. And we have a lot more in common than she even knows. She deserves better than Abby.
Seminary council decorated the foyer without me. Thanks for the texts guys. Fuck this. I'm done. I was never good enough anyways.
'If I got in a car accident would you come to see me and bring me soup?' And then I started crying.
Just notice me.

Take a step back. Fucking look at yourself. You are human. You are beautiful. You are so beautiful. And you can be anything. You can be everything. Do not hate everyone because someone broke your heart, or because your parents split up, or your best friends betrayed you, the kid down the street called you fat, ugly, stupid, worthless. Do not concern yourself with things you cannot control. Cry when you need to then let go when it's time. Don't hang onto painful memories just because you're afraid to forget. Let go of things that are in the past. Forget things that aren't worth remembering. Stop taking things for granted. Stop taking life for granted. Live for something. Live for yourself. Fall in love. Fall out of love. Fall in love. Fall out of love. Do this over and over until you know what it really is to love someone. Question things. Tell people how you really feel. Sleep under the stars. Create. Imagine. Inspire. Share something wonderful. Meet new people. Make someone's day. Follow your dreams. Live your life to it's full potential. Just live, dammit. Let go of all the horrible things in your life and fucking live. And one day, when you're old, look back with no regrets.

Then you came and set this heart free.

The bird is taking flight.
Yesterday I skipped my seminary council meeting. And not one single text came asking me where I was. I'm not even sure that they noticed I wasn't there. I'll skip next week too I decided. I used to defend seminary council. When someone would say 'they shouldn't be on council' I would tell them they should be because it's gods will. Then I realized that they don't do the same for me. Why should I do it for them then? To be honest, Kristin is a hypocritical judgmental bitch just like everyone says. Austin isn't always appropriate and Nick can come off like an arrogant douche. And they are all the most cliquish people I've ever met. So yeah, it's almost third term and I've decided to give up. Not because of my 'lifestyle' or even because of the judgments I get. But because we aren't even friends. So I don't understand why to keep trying with them. No thanks. I think they should just get rid of seminary council all together it's such an awful program.
Me and Kira taught preschool together :) and that was fun :) Preston and Kaya are officially my favorite.
Yesterday in the preschool we talked about serious things. And I honestly felt close to all of them. Even Tina. In a way I feel sad for Tina because it doesn't seem like she has a real honest to goodness best friend. And that makes me want to be there for her more. Ashley honestly does make me feel safe and good about myself. And I'm never going to forget sitting in the preschool, cutting out paper snowflakes, and talking about love. I'm grateful for my teaching group. Ms. Rockwell really did know what she was doing when she put us together.
Trevor Beesley isn't a virgin. And I am :) Does everyone remember him telling me that Eric will only cause me trouble? He was implying that he would get me into drugs and sex. Well guess what didn't happen to me? And look what did happen to him :) nobody has faith in me, but myself. I am a good person. I don't know what Gabbie implied when she asked about my 'lifestyle' because I've never smoked, I've never drank, and I am a virgin. Yehh I dress immodestly and have been known to swear, but do you know how many times I've reached out to others when they needed someone? Yeah me and Mitchell make fun of other people and laugh loudly at their imperfections but when it comes down to it, we're the two that are most likely to put an arm around you if we see you crying. In the end, we'll be there for you.
You know something sad? I've found myself confiding a lot in Jordan and Nik and Ashley in english. Because I feel like they don't judge me. They find my mishaps funny and actually offer real advice. I know I'm a freak, but it's nice talking to people that don't think less of me afterwards.
Yesterday I did a perm in thirty minutes. Then another with smaller rods in forty five minutes. I'm getting good :) Thank you cosmetology. You're my release. I consider Megan, Kercee, and Lundon some of my best friends. I hope we all go far in life.

I'll be just fine pretending I'm not

My nails are like my strength. Covered with acrylic they were strong and nearly unbreakable. Sure there were a few chips here and there, but overall they held an aura of strength. They were my barrier. But of course there was a weak link. And today it broke, just as I broke. Forcing me to take off all the rest. And now all that's left is the real, weak me, my real nails. And now I'm forced to cover them with polish to hide the fact that they are as weak as they are. I'm forced to hide.
'Adri, I just wanted to call you and tell you that I love you.'
Mike, don't you dare start telling me goodbye. Not yet, not now. There isn't time for that. Only time for bravery. I know you're scared, and to be honest I am too. But let's not give up or give in. I know it's your birthday tomorrow and I know it's the last thing you want to have. I know you don't want to get older, but I think we should celebrate. Lets not think of it as one day closer to the end. But one day farther from the beginning. Kids our age aren't supposed to die. But they do and I'm coming to terms with it. I love you so much, Mike. More than you know. And I'll be here for you. Me and Drake. We'll always be here.

Stop coming in on my passions. You don't even know how much you're hurting me. It's never been a whim for me like it is for you, it's always been my life.
Dear Eric, thank you for letting me cry. I'm sorry I'm stressful and that I'm so much to handle, but thank you for being my friend. I know I say that to you a lot, but it's because I have so much to be grateful for. Thank you for allowing me to open up and expose my fears. Thank you for the comfort. I know you don't believe me, but I am listening to your words. It's just going to take some time. I love you.
Clearly from the title, I'm back to my used days. What is happening to me?! Zak corrupted my music taste :/

Even just pretending to be strong is better than being a weakling.

'The book of Drake: chapter 18 verse 6'

Destiny is calling me.

Everyone talks about how the snow makes them feel all icky inside, but it doesn't to me. Not this kind, not right now. I always find myself inspired on a rainy day or when the snow is gently falling (not the kind that dumps down, heavens no, not that kind of snow :| ) So a day like today leads me to reflecting. About everything that has happened this year and how blessed I am. January seems like forever ago, but I remember I started wearing extensions to school and that's when people started to think that I was pretty. Boys noticed me and girls started to get jealous. This was the first time someone other than my mom and Terance had referred to me as beautiful. In February I started my blog, finally finding a release other than Triton's shoulder. In March me and Mitchell started to get close again, Kim and Xyra were always by my side, I got asked to my first prom, and I turned 17. April was a blur, I remember feeling heartbroken most of the time and lonely the other part. This is when Triton, Mitchell, And Taya helped to rescue me. This is also when I went to a soccer game and met Eric. May was a huge time for my spiritual growth, Eric and Mitchell taught me a lot about prayer and what it's like to have a real relationship with God. June was a time that I spent reflecting over my friends because most of them were leaving to college to start their new life without me. I wondered who I would be and who they would become. It was often on my mind if I would be forgotten or if they would always remember me. July. Ohh July, this is when Me and Zak got close again, but it's also when me and Eric didn't. It was my time in california where all I wanted to do was get a deep tan and go to the beach. August was when it really felt like summer, boys showed interest in me, I went shopping a lot, ben was home, it just felt like summer. September was a month of heartbreak, not for me, but for my best friend, which in translation means my heart was also breaking. September was a month of tears, it's when Mike started fainting and we found out about the cancer. It's also when Dylann first started hating me, but it's also when I found out how many people I have on my side. Hot english kid also enters into the scene at this point. October was a month of drama for me and Mitchell, but it was also when I realized how much he meant to me. This is when I became Barbie with the perfect Ken :) Me and hot english kid had began texting by now and I was starting to learn how much my cosmetology girls mean to me. Eric was by my side through every tear and every fit that I had. The beginning of October is when I realized how inadequate I am to the seminary kids. November. Ben. Ben. Ben. Ben being broken, Ben whining about being broken, Ben starting to heal, Ben getting a girlfriend, Ben having his first kiss, Ben never being home. November was a time for me when I learned to be a little less selfish and I learned that I can't always be the center of attention in my family :/ Dylann entered into my life again, in a negative way of course. But I once again started to realize how many people I am lucky to have in my life. November is when I started to actually count my blessings. And December. Starting on Wednesday. We'll see what that turns into. But looking at my year this way, nothing seems that bad. But some of it was. But between Mitchell, Cambry, Triton, Taya, and Eric, I've survived making it through everything with a smile on my face. I love you all so much. I'm extremely thankful for everyone that has let me cry on their shoulder, who has offered me comfort, and those who have been my friend through it all. I'm also grateful for those who make me cry and doubt myself, because in the end you've forced me to learn more about myself. Thank you for allowing that opportunity to arise in my life.
And now now the year following  (according to my tarot cards)
November: Harmony
December: Lose support
January: Spiritual growth
February: Study
March: Dreams
April: Surrender and release
May: Ideas and inspiration
June: Blessings (although, this card was upside down.)
July: Celebration
August: Freedom
September: Lost new love
October: Soulmate
Bring on the new year :)

If you have thank you cards in your house, it's because you aren't grateful enough.

Borrow the moonlight until it's all through..

Sooo I haven't blogged in a really long time. So I'll do main points :)
First of all (and most importantly) I survived the blizzard :) :) :)
Instead of going to school I stayed home and had a Harry Potter marathon :) Oh yes :)
Me and Mitchell went thanksgiving shopping :) And I pretty much love his family :)
Thanksgiving was amazing :) honestly, the best turkey I've ever had :) I had a lot to be thankful for this year, and I did recognize all of my blessings. It's nice to come to the realization that life is good.
Me and Katie had an epic sleepover :) :) where we fell asleep at like eleven thirty :/ But we had top ramen and chicken pot pie for breakfast :) oooh yes :) then she did my makeup and we went to the district :) It all sounds boring, but there were some really good times :) and I ate like a million jolly ranchers I swear..
Me: whimpering sounds intermingled with coughs
Katie (whispering): fuck you..
Oh no she's not a grump in the morning or anything... ;)
Me and Eric went out tonight :) I love Tios :) And I love the waitress we had :) she's the nicest waitress I've ever had :) she even beats the guy that served us at homecoming ;) amazing food :) amazing night :) I could have spent the entire evening there :)
I love this moment.

Go live your fairy tale. Carpe Diem.

Today, to be honest, was amazing.
I got to hang out with Eric today and it was just chill. He learned more about me and it felt nice in a vulnerable way.
I've been in a happy mood today. Just giggly and fun and bubbly :)
and to top it off when I was at the gym Zakary called me :) and we hung out for a minute :) just driving around and catching up :) I adore him and he's still one of my really good friends. I need to pray for him more. Out of gratitude and out of guidance.
Today I've just been missing Triton. I think I'm going to text him tomorrow just to say hi.
I love life :)

Im in love with my crazy beautiful life.

It's like an old best friend that I want out of my life, but they won't go away. Always pushing back into my life and never leaving. Always forced upon me and I can't look the other way. It's stress. It's control. It's wanting to be perfect. Nobody thinks that they could do it, but they can. There's a small place in our brain that would do it. Everyone has it. I never thought it would be me, but here I am. It's not what everyone thinks. It's not just for the reasons you would imagine. It's not the common cliche that health class teaches you. It's so much more than you know. More than the movies they show. And definitely more than the facts on the piece of paper they give you. It's a warping of the mind. Forcing you to over exaggerate everything. Every flaw, every mistake. It's something that just grows on to every list. The list of stress. The list of imperfections. You have to do it. It follows me. Tempting me at every moment. Almost always coming to the surface. Almost, but not quite. Because this time, I'm going to win. I'm not going to be controlled. I'm not going to be taken over. I will not succumb to my weakness. Not this time. That's what I need to keep telling myself as his words ring in my ears. Not now, and not because of him. I need to keep fighting. Even if that means that I won't always smile or that sometimes I'll just stand in front of a mirror. Sometimes I know I won't believe in myself. But ultimately I know that I'm going to make it. There are so many bigger priorities than this. My future, my family, my friends, my career, my heavenly father. It's not even worth it.
I sound emo. But this is a blessing, a trial I was trusted with to conquer. Wish me luck.

Sadie Hawkins dance. In my khaki pants.

Pros:
The shirts came out quite nicely and many people complimented them :)
No accidents for Adri :)
Baby scraped the windows for me :)
The defroster eventually worked on the drivers side :)
Apollo Burger was amazing :)
Me and Mitchell got married :) :) :)
They played Ke$ha :)
We were trees in a group picture :)
Rachel got a new boyfriend :) ta ta :)
Tyler wrote on mitchell's wall :) :) :) :)
Cons:
It snowed. Alot.
We got lost on the way to baby's.
My mother is embarrassing to me.
We got stuck in the fucking snow fucking twice.
It was freezing.
There was drama on facebook that I didn't see.
My defroster is shite.
I can't cut v-necks.

JUNGLE FEVA :) sadies was amazing because of all the jizz that went down. Worst night ever= amazing memories to tell my future children.

Jungle Feva :)

Get. Sleazy.

Today Eric brought me cafe rio :) and I loved it even though there was no meat and there were black beans in it. And I love the reaction that a giant cupcake brings to the halls of taylorsville high school. Of course there were the obvious 'Whoa! look at that cupcake!' and 'did you see that huge ass cupcake?!' then there was the odd questions 'Can I have some?' 'Is that real?!' Yes it is, no you can't.
I sluffed the assembly and began watching titanic :) then eric came over and watched it with me. And for the first time he actually cried while watching it. So there we were looking like toolbags, hugging and crying over titanic. Then we just started laughing and I cried again. It was good though. Refreshing.
Then Mitchell came over and we went to kay's and molly's birthday dinner :) 'this is a nice restaurant! you were supposed to dress up!' me and mitchell in our sweats :) 'lets steal the bowls!' :) 'no it's not a Buddhist thing to do, it's just an asian thing.' 'Try the meat, it's good!' 'with or without youuuu. I CAN'T live with or without you!!!!'

I don't need love looking like diamonds.

Honestly, I think it's kinda funny that
You waste your breath talking about me
Got me feeling kinda special really
This is what you're all about
Thank god for Ke$ha.

Tell me something sweet to get me by.

'Oh honey you must be eating again because you're starting to get fat.' I have those words memorized because they were so random. And they were exactly what I've been thinking all week. I'll never forget the way that Kercee and Megan rushed to my side to embrace me. The way that Sarah wiped my tears and Jasmine threatened to jump him. The way that Mitchell automatically knew that something was wrong. But I'm going to be grateful for this in the end. Because it's only going to make me stronger and it reaffirmed to Mitchell that he's too good for Dylann. I'm grateful, but the sound is still ringing in my ears.
'You're so pretty! I love your style and you're seriously like a barbie! You're the prettiest girl! Seriously!' I don't know you, but I memorized your words too. You were an answer to my prayers and you were exactly what I needed. I'm never going to forget you.
Mitchell answered me to sadies today :) and hott english kid visibly checked me out :)
In third we got tomato soup and we stole some pie :) bahaha
I got tickets to Ke$ha, bitch.

'When you text me do you feel like god tells you to?
I know he does
I really needed someone to text me.
I always hear a "you should text Adri" and if I don't right away then it's all I can think about until I do'
Geoff. Thank you for always listening to the spirit and giving good advice. Thank you.

Things I seriously dislike:

ahem.
1. When my nails chip. after three days.
2. When my extensions get all knotted.
3. When my eyeliner just doesn't go right.
4. Shampoo sets.
5. How long it takes to copy down texts
6. The week before my period.
7. Private profiles on myspace.
8. When my best friend looks amazing and I'm wearing a sweatshirt.
9. Trying to find a group for sadies
10. THE WEEK BEFORE MY PERIOD!!!!!

Man, oh man, your my best friend. I scream it to the nothingness.

Yesterday sucked. It was just awful.

Today was a small improvement. I waxed miriam's eyebrows. But I'm quite upset that she is starting to talk all her nonsense again. Just stfu. Cosmetology girls give the best advice and really care about me

Katie told me a little secret today :) I love secrets.

I came home and immediately started copying down texts. yepp. this is the life.

Just gonna wait for gossip girl now.

I honestly can't think of anything else to really say.

Wait until tomorrow and you'll see that I'm worth waiting for.

Don't worry. I'm a professional.

Today was completely exhausting. I finally got to take my extension class and I did an entire head of extensions. It only took four hours. No big deal. And total I got seven more hours to add to the goal of two thousand. yehh. I'm pro. I think extensions are my thing. It's my nitch. Thank you Scott and thank you Julie for helping me find it. I like the feeling of accomplishment that I have. My mom looks pretty good with her long hair to be completely honest. There isn't too much else to say about my day other than my feet hurt, my heart is warm, and I'm ready for sleep. And I burned my finger, but I only did it once. So I guess that means I improved :)
'If you cut too much hair off you can put it back on ;)'

p.s. supposedly I'm going to have two kids. One boy one girl.
Bring it on Triton James and Skye Empathy.

It's about damn time to live it up.

Today was amazing <3
Seriously amazing.
I had my eyebrows waxed and plucked to near perfection and my hair looked pretty good.
Kercee: 'Do you have english today?' 'yeah how did you know??' 'You look cute today' :)
In childcare we talked about scary movies, aliens, rapists, kidnappings, and school shootings. When we heard the random whistling in the hall we flipped our flip. Even Ashley got scared :)
I just got the sudden urge to miss triton.
The charity concert was pretty amazing. John schmidts version of love story was perfect. I felt amazing all over. (Later I found out that he cried..)
I loved going to the park with Pablo and I really like him. He's the sweetest guy, nothing like Dylann.
I hope Mitchell's mom doesn't kill him in five different ways because of the ice cream spill.
I love mitchell more than anything. And if there was a school shooting, I would immediately call him.
Love. xxxx

Try not to think about the poodles.

I finally asked mitchell to sadies :) even though it was fairly lame, I feel quite accomplished. And I heard a little rumor that he's answering me on tuesday and it's something to look forward to most definitely :)
Me and Ashley Romero bonded over pearl harbor today :) and I almost cried when danny died :( The test was impossibly hard, but I don't mind because there is an extra credit opportunity tomorrow :0
Lunch made me feel amazing :) Random girl: 'I love the way you dress! So so much!' Random girl two: 'You're amazing for walking in those heels!' Hot English kid: 'You're effing tall today!' In my mind I substituted 'tall' with 'hott' ;) Overall I got quite a few compliments that made me feel good :)
Me and Mitchell want to grow up to be bus drivers ;)
Dear aviators, I enjoy flirting with you. And very much enjoy you flirting back. But there is no chance for you. I very much just like the attention. And I love being liked.
I hope baby is ok :( And I hope he didn't get his heart broken too hard. I'll be there for him though..
Drowsy Chaperone. O.M.G. AHHHH!!!! I love it!!!! I was in love with the gangsters immediately :) And I just wanted to give man in the chair a huge big hug because of his awkwardness :) And Aldolpho is my dream man ;) I just love this show :) Future self: You need to rent this movie or something, because it's pretty much a classic :) I love it!!!!
Today was pretty swell :)

'Antartica? Oh please!'
'Who are you? Who am I? And why is this cake on fire?'
'Are you surprised I've been married? you shouldn't make assumptions about people!'
"Live/leave while you can'
'Why are asians... so obsessed with caucasians?!"
I love the way Aldolpho says 'Whaaaat???'
'Love isn't lovely. It usually ends in divorce!'
Monkey monkey monkeeeey!

Turn around....

EVERY NOW AND THEN I FALL APAAAART! (Turn around!)
I feel that today was fairly perfect :)
I finally mastered the art of cornrows. They are tight. They are small. And they are mostly straight. Oh yes.
I can only pray that Danielle doesn't really have an std. Because I've gotten really attached to her and I know that it would break her heart. I want the best for her. This is why I'm waiting to have sex. This is why. Because I want kids and I want a family and I want to be healthy.
I observed the preschool today. And it was a teaching disaster. They were so unprepared and awkward. 'Kids. Color. and color and colorrrr.'
Leaving English early to go get my nails done. SO worth it :) Hott english kid had a headache. I just wanted to be like 'I'll make it better...' ;)
My nails look amazingggg. Even if the technician was awkward and unprofessional. I love the weight on my nails.
Senior freezout. DOOONATE!!!! (said while staring and shaking our milk jugs) Me and Mitchell were sbos for about half a second. And it felt wonderful. We made lots of moneyyy :) and stole balloons and stole the juniors thunder. 'Can I get your number for my friend?' 'I don't know you..' It's probably because of the rhinestone jacket ;)
Pasta party :)
'Maybe it's sweat from crapping so much.' Oh jessica, you are just too easy.

p.s.

Izzy Hilton is the most beautiful boy alive. And I wish I looked exactly like her.

Yes I swear, it's the truth. And I owe it all to you.

Dirty dancing almost makes me cry, but I smile like a goon while I watch it. Because it's a hint of cheesy, but easy to relate to. And I just want to say this one thing. I want need to find a guy like Patrick Swayze. Because I like fell in love with him while I was watching that movie. I want a guy that won't ever put me in the corner :) I just think life would be fun with a sexy  dancer :) ummm ballroom dancing lessons? Yes please.

I made a giant cupcake yesterday :) suck on thatttt.

'He needs a new collar.' 'Why?' 'It's hard to hug him with that one..' Awww so cute :)

Jammin got his first kiss. My little brothers all grown up now. And I don't like it :(

Hot english kid wanted to hang out yesterday :) :) :) buuuut no extensions so no dice. Sorry broha.

I don't really feel sick anymore and that's wonderful :)

Fake nails tomorrow? I hope so :)

I just watched the episode where j lost it to chuck. Seeing her cry and say the word 'regret' broke my heart. And if just seeing that on a tv show broke my heart, then who knows what I would do if it was to me. That's why I can't let that happen. I have to love them, it has to be special, and they have to love me. End of discussion.

I'm happy. And I'm glad I am where I am today.

In my mind we can conquer the world in love, you and i.

Today was a hard day. I cried on the way to school. I almost cried in gti. I kept losing it. Because I'm afraid of losing them.
'You seem like you'd be the popular girl at your school.' Oh no. But thank you Sydney :)
'Kercee you have a straight piece of hair! But don't worry, we're in cosmetology and we can fix this!'
I think Cali knows when I just need to hear that I'm doing a good job, even if I'm not. I like her that way.
Sometimes in a week that goes like shite, you just need that one thing to lift you up. Winning the cosmetology contest and then being given hot cheetos was it.
Drake and his silly traditions. 'Hey animal. It's me, party. Together I think we could make a great thing.' me: 'An animal party?' two seconds later.. 'Oh party animal!!!'
In history we watched youtube movies and I colored pictures on my phone. I don't know what I used to do in a boring class before I got an iPhone.
I want to get fake nails because they make me feel more confident and bitchier to other kids. And I like that feeling.
I want to say something inspirational, but my mind is too clogged to be bothered.
I want cafe rio so bad. That's a hint for YOU to bring it to me :)

But I found my strength in you.

I've been waiting my whole life for a someone like you to go and steal my heart.

Life is confusing. And I'm constantly questioning things in life. Like the definition of a friend and a definition of hope and the definition of love. I'm only 17. How am I supposed to know all of this already? But what if I die tomorrow and I never knew? So I continue to stress myself out trying to worry about it all. I just want to know everything. I think it has to be more complicated than it is. There has to be more. And if it isn't, then I'm highly disappointed. I need to know. I tried to talk to brother sullivan and all he said is that I'll find the right thing to say because I have before, but I don't think that I will. I'm not strong enough for this one. But everyone expects me to be.
I'm tired of seminary council. I'm over being judged in every single direction. And it's not even worth it because none of these people are my honest to goodness friends. They haven't been there for me even one single time that I've cried.They've never wiped my tears or listened to what is going on in my life. They. Are. Not. There. Not for me, and definitely not for the kids we're trying to 'rescue' Seminary kids judge me for not being perfect. Nonmembers judge me for being a 'goodie good.' and the seminary council wonders why I was even called. I even judge myself now. Why was I fucking called to this? I just want to quit and let everyone know that it wasn't because I was pregnant or anything else that they'll think up, but it's because of their ignorance. I'm starting to understand what Triton said last year about ignorance. And I'm starting to fully agree.
Sarah, don't listen to Brian. You look AMAZING with your short hair and not every girl looks good with long hair 'Like Adri's' I would love to get away with your hair style because honestly, this hair is killing me.
'I used to be the ugly girl in jr high' 'Don't say that about yourself.' 'It's true though.' 'It doesn't matter, you don't say that about yourself.' Thanks Nik. You honestly have no idea how much that actually hit me. I shouldn't talk about myself that way. Or it just gives other people permission to do the same.
Seeing Emily faint at the swim meet was terrifying. It was this moment where everything froze. I couldn't move and I couldn't even think. I could only hear Fred screaming at Mitchell and him saying his eardrum is broken. I saw her floating in the water. And I'm never going to forget the delicacy of her body in that water. And seeing how fragile a life can be. It made me scared. It made me hope. And it made me believe.
I'm grateful for the swim team being exactly who they are.
When a guy asks for your number and you're wearing sweats, you know you're good.
Me and Mitchell had an amazing talk today and he's helping me decide. Even he thought that I was honestly completely in real true love with Triton. A boy who's lips never even touched mine. I think I was too.
'Mitchell is so gay gay gay!' 'Adri is whore bag!' -Sung to an obnoxious tune-


'I just want to know if they would wear yellow for me.'

I'm just so done with everything.

Dear Taya,
you don't know this. But I love you enough that I pray for you almost every night. That you'll find yourself and find what makes you happy. I admire your confidence so much. I wish I could just yell to the world that I like myself and that I think I'm beautiful the way that you do. I wish I could love my curves the way you do and I wish I could leave the house to see that one hott guy without my extensions in. I hope you know that you are my best friend, and you're on all the family trees that I've had to write and or draw this year. You'll always be on my family tree. No matter what, no matter how far, no matter what trouble you get in. You're my big sister and I'll love you without limits for eternity.
Please don't let us go.
xxxxx
j.

Baby I'm a put on a show kind of girl.

The gossip girl where j. almost loses her virginity still almost brings me to tears.
'I want to find a guy that will defend me like Patrick Swayze in dirty dancing.' this episode makes me think about love way too much.
Today in preschool, I realized something. I want those kids to look up to me and think that I'm so cool that they want to grow up and be just like me. But that means I have to actually start living that way too.
Triton still gives me the best advice. I knew he would answer the phone. And I knew he would help me define love.
I love telling Meagan everything that we should do to her hair ;) the new girl in cosmetology told me that I was pretty and I look like a barbie. God bless that girl.
If seminary council is making members feel unwelcome, there really is a bigger problem than I thought. We're the worst council to go down in history.

I like to think that when something reminds me of you- a song, someone's cologne, a certain place- it means that you are somewhere being reminded of me, and for that moment we are together again.

I wish I could be infinite for one day.

I know I haven't rightfully blogged in a long time, so I'll try my best to sum it all up in just this one post :)
Thursday was pretty crazy :) In English I learned alot about Nik that just made me like.. not lose respect for him, but definitely lose attraction for him. He's still a wayy chill kid though and I look forward to dying his hair :) that'll be good practice for sure. Halloweena palooza was pretty fun :) I met alot of new people just because there wasn't anyone that cool to dance with. I had a tonnnn of fun, but my heart wasn't quite all the way into it just because of all the stress. Kira was there and looked absolutely AMAZING! Paola was pretty chill and I think I want to get to know her more because she seems kind of lonely. Overall, I love Mitchell :) mcdonalds was amazing :) because we got free chicken nuggets ;) suck it :) Barbie and Ken. In real life.
Friday was hectic :) In seminary council I actually vocalized that we need to become closer and become better friends. And I really hope we do :) I warned them though, every time I see them, they're getting a hug. We will become a hugging council. My hands ideas are actually going to happen and the theme of this semester is going to be so amazing :) I hope that I can start not hating council as much. But me and Kayla and Heather were talking, and we have the same concerns about the cliques that are forming in our council. So I hope that somehow they go away. Then I went shopping for a little bit and that was a nice relief. Made me feel 10000000 times better about life :) Then jammin came home. And I was grumpy. Because everything was just completely focused on him, and I didn't want people over, but people came over and it was just like woof. But I let him sleep in my room and I took the couch, because I knew it would be more convenient for everybody.
Yesterday!!! Yes, it requires three exclamation points. There really was no reason for it to be so good, but it was. Mostly it was spent taking care of ben, and he's getting better by the second. Even today is much better than yesterday :) Megan needs to die though, because his name is NOT Benji!!! It's Jammin! End of story! Ben and Becca are pretty cute, but when I first saw her I just wanted to neigh :) I love my aunt Mary. I know she doesn't believe me, but she is my favorite aunt. And I'm really grateful for what she's doing for me. Mike and Drake make my life worth living :) they are amazing :) :) :) thanks for making my night, you two :) that little ginger ;) I slept on the couch again, but it's worth it making things a little easier for mi mumma :)
'I miss sending you random pictures of the number 69.' I miss you doing that too, Terbear.
That's pretty much it, the rest I'm too lazy to write about. I finished Letters to god today. And that was pretty good :) I enjoyed it. Basically though, I've been chillin here watching gossip girl all weekend. SO worth it :)
xxxxxx

'Next time you forget that you're Blair Waldorf, remember that I'm Chuck Bass. And I love you.'