Life is confusing. And I'm constantly questioning things in life. Like the definition of a friend and a definition of hope and the definition of love. I'm only 17. How am I supposed to know all of this already? But what if I die tomorrow and I never knew? So I continue to stress myself out trying to worry about it all. I just want to know everything. I think it has to be more complicated than it is. There has to be more. And if it isn't, then I'm highly disappointed. I need to know. I tried to talk to brother sullivan and all he said is that I'll find the right thing to say because I have before, but I don't think that I will. I'm not strong enough for this one. But everyone expects me to be.
I'm tired of seminary council. I'm over being judged in every single direction. And it's not even worth it because none of these people are my honest to goodness friends. They haven't been there for me even one single time that I've cried.They've never wiped my tears or listened to what is going on in my life. They. Are. Not. There. Not for me, and definitely not for the kids we're trying to 'rescue' Seminary kids judge me for not being perfect. Nonmembers judge me for being a 'goodie good.' and the seminary council wonders why I was even called. I even judge myself now. Why was I fucking called to this? I just want to quit and let everyone know that it wasn't because I was pregnant or anything else that they'll think up, but it's because of their ignorance. I'm starting to understand what Triton said last year about ignorance. And I'm starting to fully agree.
Sarah, don't listen to Brian. You look AMAZING with your short hair and not every girl looks good with long hair 'Like Adri's' I would love to get away with your hair style because honestly, this hair is killing me.
'I used to be the ugly girl in jr high' 'Don't say that about yourself.' 'It's true though.' 'It doesn't matter, you don't say that about yourself.' Thanks Nik. You honestly have no idea how much that actually hit me. I shouldn't talk about myself that way. Or it just gives other people permission to do the same.
Seeing Emily faint at the swim meet was terrifying. It was this moment where everything froze. I couldn't move and I couldn't even think. I could only hear Fred screaming at Mitchell and him saying his eardrum is broken. I saw her floating in the water. And I'm never going to forget the delicacy of her body in that water. And seeing how fragile a life can be. It made me scared. It made me hope. And it made me believe.
I'm grateful for the swim team being exactly who they are.
When a guy asks for your number and you're wearing sweats, you know you're good.
Me and Mitchell had an amazing talk today and he's helping me decide. Even he thought that I was honestly completely in real true love with Triton. A boy who's lips never even touched mine. I think I was too.
'Mitchell is so gay gay gay!' 'Adri is whore bag!' -Sung to an obnoxious tune-
'I just want to know if they would wear yellow for me.'
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