You think I'm weak. I think you're wrong.

I wasn't even expecting what Katie had told me. Even when she told me to look up the article about the accident I thought it was because she was in school and wanted me to tell her about it. 'That was my car' I hadn't even looked at the pictures so I didn't even know how bad it was. And I still automatically felt the tears form in my eyes. And when I looked down at my feet, the tears were forced out. Because I was wearing Katie's socks the day she's gotten in an accident. Even though I was surrounded my a ton of people, only one person noticed that I was crying. Ethan. Not Erik because he was too busy looking at Abby. Just Ethan. And even though he didn't offer that much advice, I'm still extremely grateful that he noticed. Extremely grateful.
It was hard going to see Katie. Seeing her all banged up. Listening to her talk. Looking at the pictures. It hurt like hell and it made me sick to my stomach. I know her dad felt the same way. I don't know why I have so much empathy to the other families or why I'm taking it so personally, but I am. I don't even know why I came home and had a personal breakdown about all of it, but I did. I just sat in my room crying. And I didn't even know who to turn to because honestly nobody wanted to deal with me. And that just made me cry harder. I felt empty and drained. And I had to handle it all by myself. And right as I was thinking about how alone I was, I knew that I felt god. I know that everything will be ok. I don't know if the two girls will be, but I know that everything will be. I don't know why I was so affected by the girl in the passenger seat. But I am. I'm afraid that her life will be ruined, if she wakes up at all. I feel so much for her family, because I know what it's like waiting for someone to wake up out of a coma. You can't do anything about it except for cry and hope. Then you start to blame. I blamed the other driver, who had been speeding and talking on the phone. I blamed them for colliding with Dixon, who hadn't been doing anything wrong. I hated that person. And I hated them even more for coming out unscathed while my best friend was in a hospital bed. I know how that family is feeling. I know, I understand. So I know it's horrible, but part of me was angry. I'm eternally grateful for Katie being ok, but I was still angry on behalf of the other family. I know it's childish, but I understand their point of view more than I can understand my best friend's. Maybe that's why I so easily related with them. Maybe that's why I was crying. I felt like I was going through it with them all over again. And that made me think about what I'd gone through sophomore year waiting for Dixon to wake up. And he wasn't even as bad as this girl is. Part of me is still terrified and still wants to cry, but I know god has a plan for them and that it's the best way. So I'm not crying about it anymore because my faith is overpowering my fear. And that's a good feeling.
I was talking to Tera yesterday about everything in my life. And she told me about what she had been going through when Dixon was in an accident. At the time, I hadn't thought about it. I only knew that it felt like me and Terance were losing a brother. But to her it was like losing a son. She'd taken care of him and nurtured him. She had basically adopted him. That's the thing about Tera. She always wanted a bigger family. Specifically she'd wanted two boys and one girl. So that's what she created. She made her own family. Tera didn't just feel like she was losing a son, she was losing a son. If there is one person that knows empathy backward and forward, it's Tera. She told me about the whole experience of what it's like to be the parent of the child in critical condition. And I felt it so much more after talking to her. She wanted to do something, anything to help, she was willing to pay any amount to insure that her child would be safe. I know that's what love is. I know those parents are going through the same thing Tera did. I hope everything works out for them too.
'When I first saw him in the hospital bed, it was like a complete and total shock. Because I didn't see the eighteen year old Dixon, I saw him when he was younger. The child that used to steal my cookies right out of the oven. The child that took obnoxious photographs with his new camera. I saw a tiny person. And at that moment, I realized I would lay down my life for that tiny person.'

I have learned so much.