It's nothing to cry about, because we'll hold each other soon.

I don't know why I feel sad, but I do. Sometimes I get in a mood where I just want to cry. For no reason at all. Just because the life I'm leading overwhelms me constantly. The overwhelming fact that I could easily fail. And I've never failed at anything. Not really.
Yesterday was difficult. There was no Robin and Kira to talk to. I confided in my cosmetology girls about my life. And it makes me feel slightly better. But Eric has been so unavailable lately that it's been really hard. He's the person that lets me cry and whine and shout. He lets me say things I don't mean and he will always forgive me for it. I finally got to see him though. All I did was cry. Because this week has been such a hell hole. So I just cried. I know he was frustrated with me. But he still let my tears run because he knew I needed that. Prom is still happening. It's not everything I dreamed of. But maybe that's not what I want anyways. Prom is overrated. It's never been good for me. But this year, even without the limo and the huge fancy dinner and without the capitol building, it will be better than the previous years. Because I won't have to watch zak fall for the wrong girl all day and have his heart broken that very night. I won't have to feel like the awkward girl out because none of those girls were my friends. I won't feel like I don't want to be there all night. This year will be with my best friends. With Eric and Kira and Robin and Jammin. It can't go wrong with a group like them. The top of my dress is almost complete and it makes me happy. I think it will be good.
I forgot to blog about my underwear adventure with my mother. And to make her smile I'll do it now :) On the way to the mall, I told her there was just one specific pair of underwear that I wanted. The ones that said take it off. In honor of Ke$ha I needed them. When we got there, to illustrate my point, I showed her the ones that I wanted because there was a pair on the mannequin. We searched and searched. There wasn't a single pair. Not in small, medium, or large. I looked to see what size the mannequins wear. And the one I checked said extra small, which is completely unacceptable for my big-butt-for-a-white-girl-butt. But the take it off pair was a small. I feel like it was a sign. So extremely sneakily, we stole them. Right off the display pyramid. They did say take it off after all... ;)
I'm tired of being told that I'm fat. And being told that I'm too skinny. Because I'm not. I'm where I'm supposed to be. I'm healthy. I'll eat when I want to and what I want to. I'll exercise when I feel like it. I'm ok. I promise I'm doing ok. I'm trying to change into something better. I want a lifestyle that's hopeful. Like sky blue or light green. Pure bright happy calming beautiful colors. I want to be what I'm supposed to be.
I'm so excited for spring to be here. For when I can dig out my bikini and my baby oil and just tan for hours. I know it will make me ugly in the future. But for now it makes me feel beautiful and baby soft. Like silk. I want to be an indian child again. An indian child with sun highlighted hair, wavy from the all the time spent in the water. I want to be like two summers ago. Where all I did was wake up, run, tan, shower, Tayas. It's like a twisted form of GTL. But mine is better.
When your soul embarks, I'll follow you into the dark.

I think of how perhaps the best way to fly would be with hands full of earth so you always remember where you came from, how hard walking could be sometimes.