I know you want me, to want you, I want to

I've been wanting to post about this for so long, but I resisted in hopes that Eric would finish nineteen minutes. I don't know if he has or even will. So I'll just post this now. Spoilers alert...
Every time I read this book, I hate matt. Everything about him. And the last time I read it I still did, but somehow I was able to find common grounds with him I guess you could say. I was finally able to feel bad for him. Because even though he didn't always act like it, and even though he was a complete ass, I really do think that he was in love with Josie. And the last thing he ever saw was her betraying him. The person he had trusted, betraying him. The last thing he saw was her turning her back on him. His last word was her name, questioning her why. Why she would turn on him, why she would choose peter instead of himself. I feel like he deserved his death, but his death was one of the most tragic. I couldn't imagine living life happily, just seconds before. Having your arm on the waist of her just moments before. Then watching her shoot a bullet into your heart. In the final seconds of his life, he must have had his heart broken, because he watched the person he loved kill him. And the last thing he wondered was why.
I've always felt deeply for the homecoming queen that had her face ruined by a bullet and for her boyfriend that jumped in front of her. They were the perfect couple. Every highschool has one. Those two gorgeous, popular people that are in love. Part of me always feels like they're only together for show. Because they're both beautiful and popular. They do it for the status factor. But he jumped in front of her. He stayed with her when her beautiful face got taken away. He still saw her the same. He loved her for more than what people like me think. He loved her for the right reasons. They're the couple that makes me cry the most. Because you watch this girl, who was always used to turning heads, have that taken away from her. She states that she was the homecoming queen, and she cries. How couldn't she though? To go from being stared at in envy to being stared at because they wondered what the hell happened. It broke my heart. And that her friends still kept telling her that her face was fine. It broke my heart.
And of course Peter. Everything about him makes me feel awful. Because I've been in the position of the assholes that bully him, I've done that. And because there are times that I feel like him. Where people say things to me that make me considering turning for the worse. When people are standing by, but they just stare and no one helps. You don't want to justify what peter did, but at the same time you do want to. Because he deserved a victory. It's like there's a gray area that he deserves. You look back at peter's childhood and all you can wonder is 'what if' what if him and josie had stayed friends. What if they never would have stolen his lunchbox. What if one, just one person, would have stood up for him? It makes me wonder if I've been in that position. To change someone's life, but I didn't. If I would have seen someone pushing peter, making fun of peter, laughing at peter and making him miserable, would I have stopped it? The answer makes me sick. Nobody is brave enough anymore. Just stand up for what you know is right! Just do the right thing! Stop worrying what others will say, stop worrying if they'll turn on you next, just do the right thing! Because doing that one small thing could stop a whole chain of big bad things. I wish just one person would have reached out to him. I wish peter wouldn't have had to board that bus by himself all alone that final time. From now on, I promise to stand up for peter and to be peter's friend. Because I know that's what the right thing to do is. I promise I'll do it.
I'm so thankful that I found this book and allowed it to change my life.