Drunk off of nothing but each other till the sunrise

I've narrowed it all down to one simple mistake. Everything unfortunate that has happened this do tracks right back to that same mistake. Going back I would change it. But just part of it. He was the worst thing that ever happened to me. In the best, worst possible way. For once I can say that he was my sweetest downfall. I know it was the right thing to do, taking him by the hand last year and always being by his side. But continuing to take his hand over and over again this year, after he kept pushing me away, that was the huge mistake. I don't even know why I did it, keep reaching out, keep forgiving. Ms. Aalen made us write a journal about unfailing love. And I just wrote an entire page about how I don't know what love is, but that I hope to know love, unfailing love, one day. But maybe I do know what it is. It's making the same huge mistake over and over again, hurting yourself for the love of them. Contributing more to their happiness than to your own. Maybe that's what unfailing love really is. And if it is, well then I hope I never find it again. Because it's hell now. Even crying in my own room is too hard now, because the pictures of the past are everywhere. Maybe I'm the stupid one for keeping them up. He stills yells at me you know, still calls me a bitch and a slut and any other foul thing you can think of. He only does that because of you. I wish I could say that all the laughs and inside jokes and all the heart to hearts were worth it. But they weren't. You are my sweetest downfall.
Yesterday I wrote about never being good enough. And people texted me, assuring me that I was. But I'm really not. Maybe you think that I am. But I don't. My self standards are beyond my reach. Taller, slender, longer, smarter, wittier, funnier, more outgoing. Tweak this. Change that. Flawless. I want to be flawless. I want to be the best. In everything. At life. I know I'm putting to much pressure on myself. And this only results in private breakdowns in the darkness of my room. But maybe I need that. I need that negative motivation and criticism from myself to become a positive being. Don't two negatives make a positive? I'm pretty sure thats how it works in math. That's what will happen here I know it. I always think that when I reach that, I'll truly like everything about myself. But even then, I know I'll find myself still inadequate, still not enough. My post secret has never been so true. I would gladly go back to being the ugly girl with glasses and pigtails. Back when I loved myself, thought I was gorgeous, intelligent, and knew I was going somewhere. 'Our whole lives we've wanted to be accepted, and now finally we are.' The thing is though, I would rather accept myself than have others do it for me.
I act like I have no friends, but I know I do. Kira and Robin bring me freedom and spunkiness. They let me talk about what's really going on in my life. I know they won't judge me or tell anyone my secrets for their own benefit. Jessica and Megan give me the giggle fits everyday in cosmetology and tell me that I'm beautiful. Kercee gives me confidence to try new things and to be who I am. Lundon gives me more incentive, to try hard and to finish what I start. Ashley gives me a shoulder to lean on at all times, I know she'd drop almost anything for me. My mom allows me to yell douchey things at her, and she'll still buy me something special at the grocery store the next day just to let me know that she cares. Ben, Thane, and Aaron give me new insights on the gospel and make me feel like a good person. Jammin helps me to see that I need to choose something that I love to base the rest of my life on. Sarah gives me strength as she allows me to rely on her. Brian makes me smile because he's the silliest nerd ever. Heather, Austin, Zola, Harper, Aly, Kristen, Spencer, Jesse, Nick, Maria, Marianne, and Kayla offer me support at all times and help me to express my ideas. Drake makes me see the little blessings in my life and proved to me that things can only get better. Mike shows me that even when the crappiest things happen to you that you don't deserve, you can remain positive. Terance and Dixon never let me fall, their the body guards of my well being. And of course Eric. He allows me to have breakdowns at any time, this even includes permission to wipe snot and mascara stained tears all over him. He lets me know that everything will be ok. He makes me happy. I don't need much, I just need that.
Tonight I'm going on a triple date with Sarah and Zak and Brian and Kathy and Eric. We're either going laser tagging or ice skating. I don't care which anymore. I'm just excited to get out and be with some real people. Yesterday I went out to eagle mountain and me and eric and his parents watched back to the future. I know I'm the biggest geek for liking that movie, but I think it's adorable :) I had a really good time being out there. I'm way bummed that it made me miss out on a sleepover with Kira and Robin though :( I'm hoping we can have one soon :))
Mistakes are only true, absolute mistakes if you don't learn from them. I've learned. And I'll never let that happen again.
xxxx