Well. Today. Ohh today. I get to cosmetology. It just takes one look from Kercee and I'm in tears. Her and Jay listen to me. And they understand. Especially JayLynn because of everything that she went through with camille and dalton. She knows. They held me while I cried. They literally wiped my tears. And they said to stop crying, because I'm the happy one. Kercee gives amazing advice. I love all of them. Jess, Jay, Kercee, Megan, Destiny. I love them. Plain and simple. Megan offered to be my prom date. With a tux and everything, but I'll allow her to wear a dress :) Megan's my girlfriend. We're pretty serious ;) I'm going to be one of jess's bridesmaids and her flower girl ;) and she'll be mine too.
On the bus, I vented. I told Dylan everything. And I got sympathy. From the bus driver! On my way off the bus she told me that things will get better. Thank you.
I went and switched my schedule. I'm out of childcare. I'm out of aerobics. I'm in home release now. Things will be peaceful. I only have two classes now. English and seminary. I can definitely live with that.
In childcare, I just broke down. I bawled like a baby and let the whole class listen. It had to come out. And I'm glad that it did. Because even when we haven't been friends, he's still been my best friend through all of this. He came over and hugged me. And it reminded me of those months ago when it was him that was hurting and I hugged him in the preschool. I got tears on his shirt, but I think that maybe they were meant to be there. He told me that rachel thought I was pretty. And he told me that I'll find a prom date. Yesterday Kira asked me who my best friend was that I could tell absolutely everything to. I said it was Eric, but really it was Mitchell.
Ms Rockwell said they needed helpers in preschool, so I volunteered. It's nice to be around kids. Because they aren't concerned with anything. The only things that matter are knock-knock jokes and how much longer until free time. We went outside and blew bubbles. It was the most carefree that I've been in a long time. Racing with them while bubbles floated around us and got stuck in my hair. Pretending that they were all super fast and letting them win. Holding preston and atticus's hands. Atticus said something that really impressed me though. Even though he didn't mean to. We were racing and he was holding my hand so he could teach me to be fast, but on the second race back he slowed down 'Lets be the losers.' I can't always 'win win win no matter what.' Sometimes, I'm going to have to lose and let the other person be the winner. Let them have something happy even if it makes me miserable. Robin will know what I'm really saying. I'm trying to say that I'll be the loser.
I talked to officer walden. Basically he can't do anything about my jacket. Yeah, I cried. Just because I'm overwhelmed with how not even one little thing will fall into place. Because I keep getting the short end of the stick.
Nik gives advice in the simplest ways that it really just makes it seem like it's ok. He gives an option A and an option B. I know he doesn't think that he's helping at all, but him dumbing it down enough for me and taking out all the 'what ifs' makes it easier to see the bigger picture. He takes the foggy window and says you can either leave it or you can wipe away the dispensation. That's the kind of person that he is. Sees in black and white. I think it will help him be a good lawyer. Yeah. I cried in english. Lucky Nik got to see my swollen red face and my snotty nose that I can't blow because of my septum. Lucky guy...
So I got home and, you guessed it, I cried. I'm trying to make peace with everything. But it's hard. I feel things that hurt like hell. And that aren't being lessened in some ways. I keep saying that I'm a child. And my friends keep telling me no. Surprisingly today the most number one heard phrase (after 'whats in your nose?') is 'The bro code..' I don't know anymore. Except that I do have a lot that I need to work on. I know they need it. But it makes everything that I need take second place. I'm not sure if I should make myself take precedence or not. I'm going to try not to. Because when you love people you try not to only think of you. This time, I can't afford to think of me at all or I'll just cry all over again. I promise I can do it. When I'm lonely, text kercee. Need a hug, find jess. Go to prom, ask megan. Need terrible amazing advice, babble with nik. Need a self esteem boost, go to preschool. Need someone that understands everything, pray. Because maybe Ben's right. 'This whole praying thing really works.' I'll try again.
'I know it is dude. I think sometimes that I will never feel it again, but then I think again. And honestly everything happens for a reason. So even if it never works out, it is. Because there is someone else out there for you that you get to feel one hundred times stronger in love with and they will love you the same.'
I can see you from across the room, there's a tear in your storied eye.
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