I was leaving, but I'm coming back because your hearts in beat with mine.

Well. Today. Ohh today. I get to cosmetology. It just takes one look from Kercee and I'm in tears. Her and Jay listen to me. And they understand. Especially JayLynn because of everything that she went through with camille and dalton. She knows. They held me while I cried. They literally wiped my tears. And they said to stop crying, because I'm the happy one. Kercee gives amazing advice. I love all of them. Jess, Jay, Kercee, Megan, Destiny. I love them. Plain and simple. Megan offered to be my prom date. With a tux and everything, but I'll allow her to wear a dress :) Megan's my girlfriend. We're pretty serious ;) I'm going to be one of jess's bridesmaids and her flower girl ;) and she'll be mine too.
On the bus, I vented. I told Dylan everything. And I got sympathy. From the bus driver! On my way off the bus she told me that things will get better. Thank you.
I went and switched my schedule. I'm out of childcare. I'm out of aerobics. I'm in home release now. Things will be peaceful. I only have two classes now. English and seminary. I can definitely live with that.
In childcare, I just broke down. I bawled like a baby and let the whole class listen. It had to come out. And I'm glad that it did. Because even when we haven't been friends, he's still been my best friend through all of this. He came over and hugged me. And it reminded me of those months ago when it was him that was hurting and I hugged him in the preschool. I got tears on his shirt, but I think that maybe they were meant to be there. He told me that rachel thought I was pretty. And he told me that I'll find a prom date. Yesterday Kira asked me who my best friend was that I could tell absolutely everything to. I said it was Eric, but really it was Mitchell.
Ms Rockwell said they needed helpers in preschool, so I volunteered. It's nice to be around kids. Because they aren't concerned with anything. The only things that matter are knock-knock jokes and how much longer until free time. We went outside and blew bubbles. It was the most carefree that I've been in a long time. Racing with them while bubbles floated around us and got stuck in my hair. Pretending that they were all super fast and letting them win. Holding preston and atticus's hands. Atticus said something that really impressed me though. Even though he didn't mean to. We were racing and he was holding my hand so he could teach me to be fast, but on the second race back he slowed down 'Lets be the losers.' I can't always 'win win win no matter what.' Sometimes, I'm going to have to lose and let the other person be the winner. Let them have something happy even if it makes me miserable. Robin will know what I'm really saying. I'm trying to say that I'll be the loser.
I talked to officer walden. Basically he can't do anything about my jacket. Yeah, I cried. Just because I'm overwhelmed with how not even one little thing will fall into place. Because I keep getting the short end of the stick.
Nik gives advice in the simplest ways that it really just makes it seem like it's ok. He gives an option A and an option B. I know he doesn't think that he's helping at all, but him dumbing it down enough for me and taking out all the 'what ifs' makes it easier to see the bigger picture. He takes the foggy window and says you can either leave it or you can wipe away the dispensation. That's the kind of person that he is. Sees in black and white. I think it will help him be a good lawyer. Yeah. I cried in english. Lucky Nik got to see my swollen red face and my snotty nose that I can't blow because of my septum. Lucky guy...
So I got home and, you guessed it, I cried. I'm trying to make peace with everything. But it's hard. I feel things that hurt like hell. And that aren't being lessened in some ways. I keep saying that I'm a child. And my friends keep telling me no. Surprisingly today the most number one heard phrase (after 'whats in your nose?') is 'The bro code..' I don't know anymore. Except that I do have a lot that I need to work on. I know they need it. But it makes everything that I need take second place. I'm not sure if I should make myself take precedence or not. I'm going to try not to. Because when you love people you try not to only think of you. This time, I can't afford to think of me at all or I'll just cry all over again. I promise I can do it. When I'm lonely, text kercee. Need a hug, find jess. Go to prom, ask megan. Need terrible amazing advice, babble with nik. Need a self esteem boost, go to preschool. Need someone that understands everything, pray. Because maybe Ben's right. 'This whole praying thing really works.' I'll try again.
'I know it is dude. I think sometimes that I will never feel it again, but then I think again. And honestly everything happens for a reason. So even if it never works out, it is. Because there is someone else out there for you that you get to feel one hundred times stronger in love with and they will love you the same.'

I can see you from across the room, there's a tear in your storied eye.

You're gone, and I'm lost, because you're gone.

I don't know what to blog about from yesterday... it was pretty bad.
me and kira and robin all got in a massive fight. and I guess I just really would rather not go into it.

All night I just let Terance try to sing me to sleep. I overanalyzed every cord, every note, every single word of every single lyric. [Don't be so sad tonight, you don't have to be. You don't have to be. I know I'm crying tonight. I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be. Everythings gonna be alright. I just wanna see, I just wanna see your smile, your eyes. But I'm lost]

Birthday Business :)

So my birthday was actually pretty amazing :)
It started out with a surprise party from my cosmetology girls :) Kercee even bombarded me with hot cheetos :) they bought me the cutest cake ever (or I thought so..) it was my little pony! Complete with a castle :) Buuut they forgot to bring a knife to cut the cake, so, being the ladylike women that we are, we just dug right in. Right into the center :) and we actually put a pretty good dent in it :)
We taught in preschool and they were the cutest kids ever that day :) they sang happy birthday to me and everything :) all the girls called me a princess and acted like I was so beautiful :) 'Teacher, I like your eyebrows!' It's eyeshadow and thank you sweetheart :) preston and atticus were being such amazing kids :) they were holding my hands the entire time, because if they let go for even a second then elijah would try to grab it :) They made me feel so amazing!!!
Nik gave me a birthday hug and his final words of advice: 'You'll look like a bull with a septum...' Screw you :)) And I guess he was feeling generous that day or something because he even gave me a birthday tattoo :) I'm a straightedge kid apparently.. x on both shoulders and one in the middle.. Thanks... ;)
After school Robin and Kira gave me my presents :) they were the cutest barbies ever! And we went to carls :) then came the time for our piercing party :| I went first and I'm still in the process of deciding if I like it or not. There was just blood everywhere...
That night we forgot (kinda) to get me a birthday cake and I was SO bummed about it! But then aunt mary came and surprised me with the best cake ever :) :) :) it was the minion that I've always wanted :)) I love love love her :) so this was definitely the cutest cake ever :)
All in all being 18, same, but great :)

On my eighteenth birthday, at the exact time I was born I realized that some things never change. Because I celebrated this moment the exact way I did when I was born. Crying.
I entered adulthood crying.

If I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I have so much to catch up on!!!
Thursday I went tanning with my cosmetology girls :) We got hella lost on our way, but we found it :) I decided I love tanning :) and we all decided to tan money signs into our left hip :) because we're pretty chill. The whole time I was in the bed though, all I could think about was the story jessica told me about the girls getting stuck and BURNING TO DEATH!!! That was the only unpleasant thing though :) After prom, I decided that I'm gonna get an unlimited pass :)
Thursday night I went to payson with Lynnsee and I had a freaking blasty blast :) We read all of our old notebooks (I was pretttyyy chill in eighth grade ;)) and we texted 'tom' ;) it was nice to catch up with her and giggle up all night :) then we woke up in the morning and watched the ring :) it was pretty fun stuff :)
I don't know why, but I don't remember the rest of friday at all? We got home at like two, after stalking courtneys house because stupid steven was there! Yeah, then I have no idea...
Saturday I just cleaned my room ALL day! ALLLL day! But that night me and Eric watched the passion of the christ. It really bugs me how gorgeous satan looked... I know that's the point, but it really bothered me.
Sunday was pretty lamo :) church and reading :) I finished my sisters keeper and I didn't cry this time, but I teared up a thousand times.
Seminary was awesome today :) I'm really grateful for the example that thane sets for me :) I decided that I'm going to write him a note about how awesome he is. He's a really great friend :))
MY SPELLING IS TERRIBLE TODAY! (4655) <--- Ignore that, my dad told me to remember it.
I've decided to put an end to this crappy crappy post.
This weekend me jess and megan are gonna go GHOST hunting :)))) I loveee them :))

But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.

Today in cosmetology Cindy was singing us a song :) and it got stuck in my head pretty bad... 'Everyyybody is special!' So megan, being the debbie downer that she is: 'Well if everybody is special then nobody is special...' This inspired us to change the song :) 'Not everyyyybodyy is special!!!' :) It's like a private inside joke in cosmetology how to say my name. When someone says it wrong everyone starts giggling and immediately sets them straight. I love it :)
Julie was teaching us about barbering and maintaining our implements, this turned into a large giggling fest of dirty minded girls. 'First I'm gonna hone it. Then after that I'm gonna straup it. You can start off the honing dry or wet, but you wanna make the dry hone wet.' TELL ME THAT DOESN'T SOUND DIRTY?! And if you do say that it doesn't, then I'll swiftly kick you in the buttox.
Jaylynn gave me a free tanning pass :)) I'm pretty excited guys :) :) :) me and megan are going to invade their place of work :) Jaylynn was so nervous though! The principal was talking to our teachers for like half an hour! We still don't know what's going on with the whole scandal though :|
Everyone kept telling me that I looked cute today, but I DIDN'T! They're filthy liars! Because in truth, I didn't do my hair... I didn't even shower!!! They lie! In all honesty I'm the dirty smelly girl that doesn't know how to do her own hair! In seminary I cried my eyes out. Nbd. And everyone was looking at me like it was the cutest thing ever. It wasn't ok?! It was heinous! I had streams of gold and silver going down my face! With blobs of black mixed in occasionally. Everyone after was like 'Awh Adri that was so cute.... tears of happiness... spiritual tears... I wish I could be in your mind right now..' NO YOU DON'T! I was NOT happy! They weren't tears of joy! They weren't spiritual tears! Now stop looking at me with your 'Awh tender' eyes and get back to work!! Don't pat me on the back and you can all stop hugging me!!! 'Awh Aubrey come here..' (embraces me) 'Everything will be ok, you're awesome.' STOP ACTING LIKE YOU CARE! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW MY NAME!!!!
Eric came over for like ten minutes today. Just enough time to say hello, look for an energy drink, hug, say goodbye, and leave. It was nice though.
Ben: 'I just took a percaset. Can I drive?' Silly idiotic brother of mine :)
So I take him to the bank and he's like 'I think that's everything, but I'm not sure...' So I apologize to the banker and inform him of this drug dilemma. Then the banker immediately turn to ben and asks him to donate to Japan ;) it was pretty great :) I decided I liked the banker from the second he said how humiliated he was about how they still had candy canes out :)
I went to the library :)) I decided to read my sisters keeper again :) I'm in the mood to cry. ..about something not pertaining to my life...
Americas next top model tonight :) :) :)

I have the best best friends ever :) when I'm sad they bring me cupcakes and flowers :) I love you guys :) the flowers are GORGEOUS :) the cupcakes are DELICIOUS and the picture is absolutely ADORABLE :) you guys brightened my day by 123456789012345678901234567890% :)
(What is my obsession with caps lock these days?!)

But like rain I keep fallin..

I cut a beard today :)) and a mustache :) I love it :) I feel like I did a pretty swell job :) But so much shit is going down in cosmetology :| it's bad news bears... Like if they look through jaylynns records to see if she took dirty bathroom pictures of jasmin, then they'll find dirty pictures she sent to dalton. And dalton's over eighteen.. so he could be charged with child pornography. I really hope nothing happens with this. It's so sketchy.
I worked so hard in child care :) me and miranda :)) it bugs me that ms rockwell lectures me so much but never any of the other group. Eff you.
We had a guest speaker in english and I decided that I like her :) I also decided that Nik needs his hair dyed PRONTO because he looks like a hobo that at one point was attractive :| Please let me fix you!!!
I had a fry day with lynnsee :) I'm really glad I did :) I had such a good time just telling stories and talking about boys :) We're going to get together again to read the notebooks and laugh at how insanely lame we were :) I'm pretty excited about it :) I really am glad we're being friends again :)
Jammin had surgery again today and it went alright but I was still insanely scared for him all day today!
Dear world, please give me a single break and let something go right.

Terbear, today Lynnsee asked me what happened with us. Why do I seriously not remember? I remember you graduated then we didn't talk? Then I hated zarahemla! What the fuuu? Text me and tell me :) (yes, this was a very good tactic to just tell you to text me ;) sly, I know...)

I know you want me, to want you, I want to

I've been wanting to post about this for so long, but I resisted in hopes that Eric would finish nineteen minutes. I don't know if he has or even will. So I'll just post this now. Spoilers alert...
Every time I read this book, I hate matt. Everything about him. And the last time I read it I still did, but somehow I was able to find common grounds with him I guess you could say. I was finally able to feel bad for him. Because even though he didn't always act like it, and even though he was a complete ass, I really do think that he was in love with Josie. And the last thing he ever saw was her betraying him. The person he had trusted, betraying him. The last thing he saw was her turning her back on him. His last word was her name, questioning her why. Why she would turn on him, why she would choose peter instead of himself. I feel like he deserved his death, but his death was one of the most tragic. I couldn't imagine living life happily, just seconds before. Having your arm on the waist of her just moments before. Then watching her shoot a bullet into your heart. In the final seconds of his life, he must have had his heart broken, because he watched the person he loved kill him. And the last thing he wondered was why.
I've always felt deeply for the homecoming queen that had her face ruined by a bullet and for her boyfriend that jumped in front of her. They were the perfect couple. Every highschool has one. Those two gorgeous, popular people that are in love. Part of me always feels like they're only together for show. Because they're both beautiful and popular. They do it for the status factor. But he jumped in front of her. He stayed with her when her beautiful face got taken away. He still saw her the same. He loved her for more than what people like me think. He loved her for the right reasons. They're the couple that makes me cry the most. Because you watch this girl, who was always used to turning heads, have that taken away from her. She states that she was the homecoming queen, and she cries. How couldn't she though? To go from being stared at in envy to being stared at because they wondered what the hell happened. It broke my heart. And that her friends still kept telling her that her face was fine. It broke my heart.
And of course Peter. Everything about him makes me feel awful. Because I've been in the position of the assholes that bully him, I've done that. And because there are times that I feel like him. Where people say things to me that make me considering turning for the worse. When people are standing by, but they just stare and no one helps. You don't want to justify what peter did, but at the same time you do want to. Because he deserved a victory. It's like there's a gray area that he deserves. You look back at peter's childhood and all you can wonder is 'what if' what if him and josie had stayed friends. What if they never would have stolen his lunchbox. What if one, just one person, would have stood up for him? It makes me wonder if I've been in that position. To change someone's life, but I didn't. If I would have seen someone pushing peter, making fun of peter, laughing at peter and making him miserable, would I have stopped it? The answer makes me sick. Nobody is brave enough anymore. Just stand up for what you know is right! Just do the right thing! Stop worrying what others will say, stop worrying if they'll turn on you next, just do the right thing! Because doing that one small thing could stop a whole chain of big bad things. I wish just one person would have reached out to him. I wish peter wouldn't have had to board that bus by himself all alone that final time. From now on, I promise to stand up for peter and to be peter's friend. Because I know that's what the right thing to do is. I promise I'll do it.
I'm so thankful that I found this book and allowed it to change my life.

If you didn't notice, well, you mean everything..

Cosmetology girls :) Jessica is setting me up on a date with her cousin :)) his name is Zakk and I think it's so hott that it's spelled with two k's :) he's a pretty attractive fellow :) We're all getting into the spirit of setting each other up on dates :) it's good fun :) jaylynn got in trouble today :| something about dirty pictures in the bathroom.. I have no idea but it's pretty sketchy. Cindy let us try on her ring. Her HUGE, MASSIVE diamond ring! It was my first time putting a diamond on my finger :) I kinda liked it :)
I think I might ask thane on a date :) because he's a really great guy and I think it would be really fun :) Even though he's a sophomore.. He's a really amazing guy ok...
I had to go to the dentist :| They basically told me to bleach the hellll out of my teeth and then come back so they can fix my filling :) I like them :) apparently my eyeshadow was distracting.... 'Don't tell clair that you can match your eyeshadow to your shoes!' I find them fun :)
'Would you rather stay with someone that doesn't make you happy or be alone?' 
Be alone of course. Because staying with them would only prevent you from finding someone that will truly make you happy. And I've said it before and I'll say it again... If I don't find true love, I'll stay alone forever. Lonely and alone. But at least I won't settle for love that's a lie. Love isn't about settling. It's about searching and failing a few times before you find that certain guy. Fall in love. Fall out of love. Fall in love. Fall out... Do this as many times as it takes for you to find what you need to. For you to find the one person that you could be with forever without ever getting bored. I would rather be alone. And I hope you would too.
xxx

Only love can break your heart

Kercee gives the best advice in the world :) I had such a great talk with her today. I love her with all my heart. She's an amazing friend and I know that she understands what goes on in peoples life. She has so much empathy. I admire her so much.
All I did today was read, cuddle, and run. I love my tankerbell.
I messaged bailey and lynnsee on facebook and me and lynnsee are gonna go have a fry day either tomorrow or maybe tuesday. I'm pretty excited, it's been so long.
When I run, I'm happy and everything is ok. Then I have to stop and everything comes crashing down again.
I love truly, madly, deeply.

My best and most stable plan yet.

I've decided to throw everything away. And be a victorias secret angel.
Brilliant. I know. This will allow me to just sit in cute bras and panties all day.
My life will be AWESOME ;)

It's nothing to cry about, because we'll hold each other soon.

I don't know why I feel sad, but I do. Sometimes I get in a mood where I just want to cry. For no reason at all. Just because the life I'm leading overwhelms me constantly. The overwhelming fact that I could easily fail. And I've never failed at anything. Not really.
Yesterday was difficult. There was no Robin and Kira to talk to. I confided in my cosmetology girls about my life. And it makes me feel slightly better. But Eric has been so unavailable lately that it's been really hard. He's the person that lets me cry and whine and shout. He lets me say things I don't mean and he will always forgive me for it. I finally got to see him though. All I did was cry. Because this week has been such a hell hole. So I just cried. I know he was frustrated with me. But he still let my tears run because he knew I needed that. Prom is still happening. It's not everything I dreamed of. But maybe that's not what I want anyways. Prom is overrated. It's never been good for me. But this year, even without the limo and the huge fancy dinner and without the capitol building, it will be better than the previous years. Because I won't have to watch zak fall for the wrong girl all day and have his heart broken that very night. I won't have to feel like the awkward girl out because none of those girls were my friends. I won't feel like I don't want to be there all night. This year will be with my best friends. With Eric and Kira and Robin and Jammin. It can't go wrong with a group like them. The top of my dress is almost complete and it makes me happy. I think it will be good.
I forgot to blog about my underwear adventure with my mother. And to make her smile I'll do it now :) On the way to the mall, I told her there was just one specific pair of underwear that I wanted. The ones that said take it off. In honor of Ke$ha I needed them. When we got there, to illustrate my point, I showed her the ones that I wanted because there was a pair on the mannequin. We searched and searched. There wasn't a single pair. Not in small, medium, or large. I looked to see what size the mannequins wear. And the one I checked said extra small, which is completely unacceptable for my big-butt-for-a-white-girl-butt. But the take it off pair was a small. I feel like it was a sign. So extremely sneakily, we stole them. Right off the display pyramid. They did say take it off after all... ;)
I'm tired of being told that I'm fat. And being told that I'm too skinny. Because I'm not. I'm where I'm supposed to be. I'm healthy. I'll eat when I want to and what I want to. I'll exercise when I feel like it. I'm ok. I promise I'm doing ok. I'm trying to change into something better. I want a lifestyle that's hopeful. Like sky blue or light green. Pure bright happy calming beautiful colors. I want to be what I'm supposed to be.
I'm so excited for spring to be here. For when I can dig out my bikini and my baby oil and just tan for hours. I know it will make me ugly in the future. But for now it makes me feel beautiful and baby soft. Like silk. I want to be an indian child again. An indian child with sun highlighted hair, wavy from the all the time spent in the water. I want to be like two summers ago. Where all I did was wake up, run, tan, shower, Tayas. It's like a twisted form of GTL. But mine is better.
When your soul embarks, I'll follow you into the dark.

I think of how perhaps the best way to fly would be with hands full of earth so you always remember where you came from, how hard walking could be sometimes.

The best of us can find happiness in misery.

I'm blogging early :) that way I'll be able to run tonight because I haven't in so long! And I need to clear my head :) and hopefully I'll do palates too :) I need to get fit :) it's almost summer :))))
Cosmetology was kinda sad today :( Cindy talked to us all today and apparently there have been a lot of thefts. People have been stealing tubes of color and money too. Me and Jessica, being the naive people that we are, didn't even think about color getting stolen. It bothers me that I trust all of these girls so much, but all of this stuff is happening. I'm worried that they'll steal something of mine next :( we really never had a problem with this until the orientation girls came in. But as a result of all this stuff, our personal services are suspended for two weeks. We can't curl, color, cut, or do anything else to each other. We aren't even allowed to come in on tuesday or thursday nights to get anything done. It's so unfair :( especially because I wanted someone to curl my hair for me on my birthday, but the privilege is suspended until the day AFTER my birthday. Of course. But what else can they do? They needed to show us that every action has a consequence. I understand why they did it and why it needed to happen, but it still sucks :( Tori offered to do my nails for me :) outside of class of course, but she said it would only be a dollar :)))) and that's just to get the glitter :) if I get white tips it's FREE :) :) :) Love love love :) I'm in heaven :) :) :)
Seminary was kinda blah. Brother sullivan was gone and he's going to find out which hospital hired his wife today. He might have to move out of state :( I'll miss him if he has to... I went to brother harris's class and we had the same lesson as last time, but a little different. It was ok, I think I was just really tired. I'm going to graduate seminary though :) I don't have to do make up days or anything :) Brother harris's son came in today and he was kinda pretty hott ;) I want to set him up with Kenzie from cosmetology :)) they would be so cute together :))
I missed fourth today because I had to go to the office and such. I miss Robbin :( I hope she knows I wasn't just skipping her class just to skip it :( I had to talk to my councilor..
I decided that today was a bad day considering a few aspects. So I went underwear shopping again. (that's 15 new pairs this week... I need to calm down) and I got some new headbands like a cool kid :) I'm glad that my mom understands how I feel and supports my shopping needs. I love my mom with all my heart and even more. 'She's the bomb dig' according to Drake :) I loveee Drake and miss him with all my soulsy soul :)

Bad days result in bad shopping habits which result in a ton of underwear...

Know that we'll still have each other

I don't even know wether to start this post saying 'Today was amazing!' or 'Today was terrible!' Lets borrow the words of jasmin and say that today was a roller coaster day ;)

It was going pretty good in the morning :) Me and Jessica curled Megans hair and it looked SO cute :)) I was so proud of myself :) and I gave her a sticker that said 'Adri loves me' :) then she made me one that says megan loves me more :) It was adorable :) this occurred during our class when we were learning about hair piece patterns. Lets just say we weren't quite focussed ;)

Child care was pretty great :) we actually planned and actually did our creative project :)) SUCCESS! We like made this tree thing that was pretty sweet :) I'm a fan :) And then jostens was at lunch and I got my graduation invitations :) Then end is finally near :) :) :) But then officer walden was like 'I need to see you.' So I was like :| that's never good :( I went to see him after lunch and I was thinking it was about the Sbo jacket again, but it wasn't. When he told me it was about an egging I literally rolled my eyes, which I know wasn't good, but it's all just so childish! Apparently Mitchell was complaining about it in one of his classes and the TEACHER reported me! Not only does that teacher need to mind their own business and stop listening to Mitchell because he LIES all the time, but Mitchell needs to stop being a baby and saying I did things that I did not do. We always told each other that if we ever stopped being friends that we would be civil. Apparently that is not the case with him... But when I was talking to the officer I just unloaded everything. It all came out. About my car getting vandalized and my jacket getting taken and just everything else. Yes I did cry at one point... because I'm a loser. But I go to english after talking to him and I cry AGAIN because we watched remember the titans and it was super sad :( I decided that it was such an emotional day that some underwear shopping was in order. And a good new set of acrylics. My mother agreed. One trip to victorias secret and fifty bucks later, I was very happy. My nails look alright, not as fabulous as last time, but they'll do. 

Lesson of the day: sitting around the house moping and being sad < buying new panties

'You should get a red mini cooper and I'll get a yellow one! We could match! And be like Ketchup and mustard!!' Oh me and Jammin :)

Yesterday at chilis with my aunt was the best :) Aunt mary is thee best :) I love her so much :)

I really miss Eric :(

It feels like I've been awakened, all these rules you've had me breakin

What a fantastic day today has kind of, but not really been :) I'm just feeling optimistic I suppose :) I did a weave today in cosmetology. It turned out pretty cute :) and I got a ton of my stuff passed and signed off. Which reminds me that I need to check my grades.. 3.904 Fml. I just have that ONE a- I need to get that raised pronto! It's so obnoxious. I've never had below a 3.98 and this will not be the first time I do! I just have so little of classes that one little slip causes a DISASTER!!! I will fix this!
Seminary was pretty blah today. It was alright, nothing amazing though. Thane just makes me smile :) He's such an amazing guy :)) I talked to mr. padjen today about changing my schedule. I'm not sure if I will or not. Especially because I know robin and kira would KILL me! I'll just have to think about it I guess.
I forgot my aerobics clothes so I decided to sluff. I'm a terrible person, I know. I went to brother steele's class. I forgot about how much I miss him. I forgot about the cash and or prizes and the 'so what, who cares, who gives a flying flip' I've really missed him :) there was the most gorgeous sophomore in that class though! Except him and his friend were whispering about me so I was like :| he wasn't that gorgeous... just for a sophomore ;) and there was another sophomore that when I looked at him I could just tell that he was going to be a stud as a senior :)
So I get home from school right :) and I rip off my nails because I've decided that now is the time for new ones :) so I get in the car and drive all the way there just jammin out to halo and dreaming about what color tips I'm gonna get (I decided pink btw) and I pull in, park perfectly, walk up to the door and find the door locked. So I'm like 'oh silly me, this door is always locked, try the other..' it was LOCKED!!! They were closed! The one day I go in they were CLOSED!!!! So I ripped my semi-gorgeous-but-mostly-trashy-looking nails off for nothing!!! Anger and destruction came upon me!!! I considered going to walmart, but what if they did a shotty job?! When I know that my place does a great job even if they are rude!!! So I sulk over to my car and drive home :( I immediately covered them in nail polish trying to mask their damaged ugliness, but they still just look like jizz! Tomorrow if they aren't open a baby will get killed. I need my nails done!!!!!! Fffff!
I sound like I'm in a princess mood because of that last paragraph. But I ASSURE you that I am NOT in a princess mood!!!
xxxxx

Love never melts sweetheart.

Daylight savings drives me BONKERS! Hate hate hate!
But I love love love cosmetology :) Jessica was still gone, but hopefully she'll be back by tomorrow :)) Megan continues to make me smile a ton :) I drew her pictures today and wrote about how much she sucks on her hand ;) pictures to come :) we had some bonding time and she told me some of her secrets :) I love that she trusts me. I just plain love her :)
preschool teaching was a DISASTER! We were so unprepared :| the theme cowboys was just awful! Making the planet green will be even worse though! When I sang in music time, the kids covered their ears. CLEARLY I will make it far in the music industry ;)
Kira sluffed and came to English with me. We discovered that not only does Nik have dogs, he locks his hot tub. Ohh but we will find a way in :) just you watch and see :) we'll creep in and take facebook pictures ;) no chickening out this time :)
My feet hurt like terrible, but one of them is completely better :) :) :) just three more to go :))
I hope tomorrow is good :) I'm gonna wear the jacket that I stole from Robin :) bahahaha :)

Darling, can't you see it's now or never.

Yesterday was such an amazing, completely fantastic day :))
It started in cosmetology with my girls :) they make me smile so big that it's ridiculous! We started planning our cosmetology camping trip :) and it better happen because it would be amazing :) me and Megan are going to be the girls that require fishing :) and we should probably take a dog ;) and Cindy told us to always say no to guys about everything or else we'll just be a number ;) so we're the no-women :) we say no to life! ;)
Megan: (said in a very asian accent) Adri, you do your own work :) couldn't stop laughing for like twenty minutes :) oh and I FINALLY figured out who my secret santa was :) Jessica seriously did amazing :)) I love her so much! :)
School was eh. Everyone kept saying my hair looked really cute even though I looked like JIZZ and guys kept checking me out so I was just like :| Eric came over after school and he let me pms as much as I needed to :) he's so sweet even though I threaten to punch him in the face all the time ;)
Then The Sleepover began :)) me and Kira and Robin began by going prom dress shopping at trolley square :) but oh was it an adventure trying to get there. No big deal we were just going on the wrong side of the road at gateway!!! But luckily we weren't injured because no other cars were there :) just pedestrians that kept telling us that we were going the wrong way :) when we finally got there we tried on a billion over-priced prom dressed :) Robin always said she couldn't wear a floor length dress, but she found one that looked absolutely gorgeous!!! It was way way wayyy over the budget though :/ so there I am having the lady lace up my dress for me, my underwear just chillin all over the place, and then a boy walks out of the backroom and gets a full throttle look :| fml! Kira found a dress that was so gorgeous on her :)) I loved it! So then we went to gateway because I was starvingggg and there were kids everywhere! Freaking disney on ice! And mcdonalds slaughtered my order :/ but it was ok :) then we went in to hot topic :| sketchyyy, but the worker was pretty nice :) he thinks I could pull off a septum, but he also thinks that I should get dreads :| we raced out of the parking garage real quick in hopes that we would get free parking :) and we did :) it felt pretty great. The real adventure began when we had to go get Mitch though. just driving out to weber, no big deal. Except that we got lost a million thousand times!!! It was awful! In a good way though :) on the way back me and Robin were basically little kids :) asking how much longer and how many more minutes and talking about how much we had to go potty :) I loved every second of it :) when we FINALLY got back we went to smiths to get some snackity snacks :) hot cheetos :) :) Robin and Kira got a bazillion other things, but I was content with my hot cheetos :) Kira started to immediately drift off when we got home and we were like 'don't do it, Kira... We'll draw on your face..' So me and robin and her step sister did a facial together :) and then me and robin were like 'oh hey lets go to seven eleven to get some milk! In our facial masks!' so we did :) I wanted to sneak into a certain someone's hot tub, but we're too chicken to do anything that legit ;) but we did get our milk and this crazy guy in a turban kept telling us how crazy we are and we found that funny :) after our crazy milk adventure we got back and Kira-party-pooper-lake-allen was ASLEEP! So very deviously, me and robin got our sharpies :) and colored a unibrow and mustache :)) we thought we were so funny :) We were wide awake, so decided to watch a movie :) specifically tuck everlasting because I had never seen it before! But even though we were 'completely wide awake' we fell asleep not even halfway through :| and somehow we ended up moving to the guest bedroom, but I really don't remember that part! I woke up in the morning and then I was terrified that Kira would get revenge! I actually screamed when I saw Kira :) We wake up on saturday mornings to play mario party on n64 whilst eating chips and drinking mountain dew. We're such fat losers ;) but then my mom called me and said that Mitchell's mom called her saying that 'a little blonde girl had egged her house' so I was like Wtf? And my mom told me to call her, so I did. And when I did, his mom threw a total bitch fit at me when all I was trying to do was clear my good name. And apparently this was the second time or something that they've been egged and apparently a little blonde girl did it both times. Ok? When? Because the last time I went and stayed out late enough to do that was with Mitchell himself... And p.s colton admitted to egging their house a while ago. That's one ugly 'little blonde girl' So, you can stop being a child and thinking that I'm the only person, or even the only blonde girl that isn't a Mitchell fan. Don't be naive, he's an extremely flamboyant, extremely open gay kid, his house is gonna get trashed a couple times. I hear people talking all the time about how much they want to punch him, I just sit in the corner of my classes silently annoyed. They sound wayy more likely to egg him, I think. Lets all just grow up here.
The day got better though! I called my mom again and told her about the bitch fit fest and that was the end of that... we then continued with our n64 party :) I pretty much completely lost :) I beat wario though! and Kira stole Robin's star so we got permission to write poop on her forehead in sharpie :)) then she ambushed Robin and they proceeded to ambush me :) this led to a great deal of pictorials and facebook albums :) I begged to finish tuck everlasting, so we did and I almost cried! It was so sad! I decided that I love that movie though :) we went to rumbi and I had a fantastic burger :) and that is where our adventures came to a close :))) such a good day/night/day :)
Do not fear death, but rather the unlived life. You don't have to live forever. You just have to live.

Only you and me on this endless night xxxxx

There's a huge chance that I'm not going to prom. And I can't stop crying.

Never ever put them down, you just lift your arms higher

That's right :) I'm blogging early today! So I can be completely understood and less un understood ;)
Today's been fabulous :) megan brought me her headband today and I'm in love with it! In love! :)) I love her so much! She really does just make me smile and giggle like a maniac :) her and jessica I swear :) poor jessica got her wisdom teeth taken out though! I'm so worried for the poor girl! And she has to go to blanding tomorrow for a funeral! So I won't see her until monday! It's basically a tragedy!
In child care I got a note to report to the office and I was like :||| I thought I was in trouble! But I just got a keys to success card from Robbin :) I love her :)
When Robin walked into english with her little mustache I almost bahaha'd! She looked freaking adorable :)))) We made up stupid little stories and read them to the class they made me happy :)
Me and Nik hung out for like three seconds. I cut his hair and felt pretty pro even though there was hardly even a difference :) then I saw that he had a hot tub and I'm like ohemgeee best friend :) :) :)
It was a good day :)

'Kisses without a beard is like soup without salt'

tina is basically as dumb as a rock :) 'what do you mean censored?' Robin: 'CENSORED!' 'what do you mean underwater?' Robin: 'UNDERWATER!' I love her :) and I love gossip in child care ;)
Me: mom I have cramps ffffmmmlll.
Mumma: tylenol.
Obviously she's sympathetic :)
xxxxx

And I'm in pieces, baby fix me.

In cosmetology today I got a client. A STENCHY client! I was about to die! Then I heard mamma Julie's voice in my head saying that breathing through your mouth can get you through anything. It mostly worked :) and luckily megan was there to help me :) it was like a special ed school thing and they were coming to get their hair done for a fashion show. But the fashion show is tomorrow, so there is a great possibility that I'll have to do it again tomorrow. I would tell them no because he stinks and is disgusting! But he's special ed, so that would just be cruel and douchey. And I can always just make megan help me again :) I love her so much for doing that for me :) yesterday jaylynn was crying because her parents won't let her see dalton anymore. Today she was jumping for joy because kercee's hott cousin said she was cute. That must have been some damn strong love her and dalton had obviously...  Megan curled my hair in the special way that only she seems to be able to do :) I'm going to try to do it myself for tomorrow :) I hope it works! :)) Jessica is so sweet :) she went out of her way to drive stephanie to school because stephs hair was running late. Kercee goes to the same school as her, but she didn't even offer her a ride, so jessica who goes to a different school, went out of her way to take her. It was really sweet of her. You can tell that she's a really good friend. Me and Kercee aren't really close at all anymore and it makes me so sad :( it's just hard because she loves jaylynn and I just, well, don't. I've gotten really close to jessica and megan through it though :) so I love that :))
I got to seminary really early today and brother sullivan was telling me how impressed he was with the way that I always follow the spirit. I don't feel like I do because I make so many mistakes, but he said it just feels like I don't because it's like second nature for me to follow the spirit. I don't know :/ I'm trying to be a better person :) march madness really helps too :) I'm doing pretty good :) Thane was talking about abby smith today and how he thinks that she's cute. I swear to god every really mormon guy is attracted to her. It's NOT FAIR that such amazing guys are going to waste on abby! Thane deserves so much better than her! She's really two faced and he doesn't know the full her... It really bothers me that so many people think she's such a great person :| it's probably just my inner jealousy that they don't think I'M a great person! I should probably stop coveting. Maybe I'll work on that some other time ;)
Water aerobics is just a bother. I refuse to get in that yucky infected pool water. It's only made my feet worse, and it was where the problem began so I absolutely refuse to get in. REFUSE!
My prom dress is coming along :) I hope it looks good because I really don't want to waste that much money on a dress again :| It's only one month till prom :) :) :) I'm so so so excited :) :) :)
Twenty days till birthday :) Ima be legal :))
Tomorrow will be fabulous :)
xxxx

I don't care about my guilty pleasure for you

I am just so absolutely tired right now! I'm constantly busy trying to cram in school, the occasional homework, running, march madness, prom dress sewing, and getting ready for the bevy* day! I can't do it all but I keep trying :) I wish this week was over already :)
'Nik has the flu!' ;) then her aunt died. I felt so bad for her. I hope her year gets better
Xxxx

* bevy should have said NEXT, but apparently, I was too delirious from lack of sleep to spell that at all. It wasn't even close, I don't even know how I understand myself...

Let the rain sing you a lullaby tonight while I'm not there

Today was pretty good :) Cosmetology was just one huge fest of girls curling each other's hair :) it was pretty fun :) jessica did mine and I made megan do jessicas to prove to her that her hair can be curled without her looking like a prostitute :) and I was a cornrowing maniac today ;) but I've come to a conclusion. I dislike jaylynn. She's a gossiping, using whore. That's really all I hear her talk about. Gossip. Oh and her self. I forgot to say how self centered she is. She makes me feel so stupid! Dislike. Dislike. DISLIKE!
Megan: Eric really doesn't look mexican!
Jaylynn: His last name is ramirez...
Yeah and your 'boyfriend' cheated on you with your best friend :))
I'm just really pms-y guys :| period start soon! because at this point in time I'm eating like a cowww!
So my notes and contacts from my old phone have been recovered :)) I found them on my phone this morning and I was so jazzed :) my last post was the note that I was most sad about losing. The weird thing is though that I have absolutely no idea who it was even about. Judging by the date it could be a few people. I liked a lot of guys at that moment. Or maybe I just wrote it down because I thought it sounded pretty. I really have no clue at this point.
I wrote my thank you letter for english today. And it was way weird because I started crying when I was doing it. I wrote it to Robbin. I hope she likes it.
I'm tooooo tired! xxxx

When I call you sweetheart...

It's because I want you to be there for me and I want you to open up. Listen to my new fangled ideas and just nod your head because we both know that my dreams are way too big for the both of us. But we do have dreams. And even if they don't come true, they were still in place and we can think about the day when by the slightest most miraculous chance they happen. Then we can laugh and smile. Because we know we proved them wrong and we were right all along... And it's just because I call you sweetheart. Because you mean something to me. And I want to stay in your arms forever and touch my lips to yours because I already know them so well. I know the way they feel and the way they'll move with mine. It's our own little dance that I've never seemed to pick up on before. But with you I find confidence that I can be who I am and not pretend. And I know I don't have to worry about anything. Because everything is alright in your arms. Everything...
-April 26th

Even though it's a struggle, love is all we got.

Yesterday was fantastic :)

Kira is amazing :) she made my entire day so much better :) I literally teared up when I saw what she had done for me :) I love her with all my heart and I'm so grateful that she is in my life. I don't know what I would do without her :) thank you so much for absolutely everything that you do for me! I love my flower so much :) it's made the entire room so much happier :)
I went on my triple date last night :) :) :) it was amazing :) we went laser tagging at laser quest and I had an absolute blast :) It was my first time ever going, so I absolutely SUCKED [Actually I came in second to last but it's better than nothing :) Sarah came in dead last :)] but it was still a great time :) I really want to go a lot more with Eric and we're going to make our names Barney and Robin :) just like how I met your mother :)) Him and Zak were way pro at laser tagging! Like ridiculously good! None of the girls really were though :) and somehow I ended up with a black eye? It's atrocious looking, but I'm pretty proud of it because of the adventure aspect :) After laser tagging we went to wendys, well, me and Eric did, everyone else had already eaten, but they were still sweet enough to take us there anyways :) then we went to subzero :) the entire time that we were in the line me and Eric were fighting/discussing about which flavor we should get. The only nonnegotiable thing was that it absolutely had to have reeses in it because Eric had a craving :) I don't even remember what we decided on, but it was a shake :) and I don't know how, but somehow it turned into a race against Sarah and we had to eat our icecream faster than her :) so I downed that thing, but we still lost :) we all decided that we were going to go to hollywood connections because it would be free because Brian works there. So on the way there Eric was like 'I'm way tired of this drink' so I was telling him to set it on the ground, but he wanted to throw it at someone instead. And who should drive up :) no other than Dylann :) we were going to do it, but he changed lanes to last second for us to do it :) it was still way fun thinking about it :) We went laser tagging again at hollywood, but it wasn't nearly as good as the first time :)so we went on all the rides and went skating :) but skating was way too hard and not fun at all! Me and Kathy tried to just dance in the middle with our shoes on, but we got kicked out so we went to the diner :) and Jake was working there! I haven't seen him since sophomore year so I was way excited! I used to be so close to him! He was definitely one of my best friends back in the day :) He did so much for me at the time. I felt like I could go to him with almost anything :) he was a sweetheart! After that we decided to ride the balloon ride one last time :) so me and Eric and Sarah And Zak all crammed into the same one and we spun our little hearts out :) it was good times :) I love them all so much :) I'm glad I'm friends with all of them :)
I have english homework to get to, but I really really really don't want to :|

Drunk off of nothing but each other till the sunrise

I've narrowed it all down to one simple mistake. Everything unfortunate that has happened this do tracks right back to that same mistake. Going back I would change it. But just part of it. He was the worst thing that ever happened to me. In the best, worst possible way. For once I can say that he was my sweetest downfall. I know it was the right thing to do, taking him by the hand last year and always being by his side. But continuing to take his hand over and over again this year, after he kept pushing me away, that was the huge mistake. I don't even know why I did it, keep reaching out, keep forgiving. Ms. Aalen made us write a journal about unfailing love. And I just wrote an entire page about how I don't know what love is, but that I hope to know love, unfailing love, one day. But maybe I do know what it is. It's making the same huge mistake over and over again, hurting yourself for the love of them. Contributing more to their happiness than to your own. Maybe that's what unfailing love really is. And if it is, well then I hope I never find it again. Because it's hell now. Even crying in my own room is too hard now, because the pictures of the past are everywhere. Maybe I'm the stupid one for keeping them up. He stills yells at me you know, still calls me a bitch and a slut and any other foul thing you can think of. He only does that because of you. I wish I could say that all the laughs and inside jokes and all the heart to hearts were worth it. But they weren't. You are my sweetest downfall.
Yesterday I wrote about never being good enough. And people texted me, assuring me that I was. But I'm really not. Maybe you think that I am. But I don't. My self standards are beyond my reach. Taller, slender, longer, smarter, wittier, funnier, more outgoing. Tweak this. Change that. Flawless. I want to be flawless. I want to be the best. In everything. At life. I know I'm putting to much pressure on myself. And this only results in private breakdowns in the darkness of my room. But maybe I need that. I need that negative motivation and criticism from myself to become a positive being. Don't two negatives make a positive? I'm pretty sure thats how it works in math. That's what will happen here I know it. I always think that when I reach that, I'll truly like everything about myself. But even then, I know I'll find myself still inadequate, still not enough. My post secret has never been so true. I would gladly go back to being the ugly girl with glasses and pigtails. Back when I loved myself, thought I was gorgeous, intelligent, and knew I was going somewhere. 'Our whole lives we've wanted to be accepted, and now finally we are.' The thing is though, I would rather accept myself than have others do it for me.
I act like I have no friends, but I know I do. Kira and Robin bring me freedom and spunkiness. They let me talk about what's really going on in my life. I know they won't judge me or tell anyone my secrets for their own benefit. Jessica and Megan give me the giggle fits everyday in cosmetology and tell me that I'm beautiful. Kercee gives me confidence to try new things and to be who I am. Lundon gives me more incentive, to try hard and to finish what I start. Ashley gives me a shoulder to lean on at all times, I know she'd drop almost anything for me. My mom allows me to yell douchey things at her, and she'll still buy me something special at the grocery store the next day just to let me know that she cares. Ben, Thane, and Aaron give me new insights on the gospel and make me feel like a good person. Jammin helps me to see that I need to choose something that I love to base the rest of my life on. Sarah gives me strength as she allows me to rely on her. Brian makes me smile because he's the silliest nerd ever. Heather, Austin, Zola, Harper, Aly, Kristen, Spencer, Jesse, Nick, Maria, Marianne, and Kayla offer me support at all times and help me to express my ideas. Drake makes me see the little blessings in my life and proved to me that things can only get better. Mike shows me that even when the crappiest things happen to you that you don't deserve, you can remain positive. Terance and Dixon never let me fall, their the body guards of my well being. And of course Eric. He allows me to have breakdowns at any time, this even includes permission to wipe snot and mascara stained tears all over him. He lets me know that everything will be ok. He makes me happy. I don't need much, I just need that.
Tonight I'm going on a triple date with Sarah and Zak and Brian and Kathy and Eric. We're either going laser tagging or ice skating. I don't care which anymore. I'm just excited to get out and be with some real people. Yesterday I went out to eagle mountain and me and eric and his parents watched back to the future. I know I'm the biggest geek for liking that movie, but I think it's adorable :) I had a really good time being out there. I'm way bummed that it made me miss out on a sleepover with Kira and Robin though :( I'm hoping we can have one soon :))
Mistakes are only true, absolute mistakes if you don't learn from them. I've learned. And I'll never let that happen again.
xxxx

I can't sleep. I can't stop crying. I'm ready to give up because I have no one.
I'll never compare to anything. They'll always be better than me.
I want to go Home.

Happy :)

I very much suck at blogging... I'm too busy for the internet these day.
I'm happy happy happy :) just bare haps
I got my prom bra and free panties today :) victorias secret makes me so happy :))) The worker was just so sweet to me :) she called me 'day maker' just because she liked my dress :)
Nik draws on me almost every day :| he's such a good tattoo artist... I love the red sharpie line on my neck.. and the pen all down my arm. Just LOVE it!
I hate everyone right now :) and there are two specific people that I could really just kick in the ass right about now :)) I think that they're made for eachother :) just their goddamn voices piss me off :) and I hope that they rot in hell :) :) :)
'you're not high maintenance, but your not low either...' 'I never wanted to date a girly girl, but they're just so pretty!' 'Every guy always say how much they hate fake nails... but they just feel so good on their back..' Eric is my favee :) [Nik: did you just say 'favee'? Eric: She'll grow out of it...] :)
young womens last night was amazing :) team mermaid :) 'I learned that mermaids are stronger than rambo...' I'm so proud of Teri for her lifestyle change :) she looks amazing right now :) I loved thrusting my hips to move my banana to push my orange too... ;)
Kercee broke my heart today. Because I watched her heart being broken. She knew he had a girlfriend, but all around us we're being told 'no regrets, just love.' How can you blame her? but how can you not?
I have a secret about jessica in cosmetology but she won't even let me blog about it :) she forbid it :)) I love her so much!
I'm just quite well, HAPPY! :)