Divine chaos.

Today was so amazing, I can't even fully put it into words how amazing it was. I was scheduled with a client to do hair extensions which I was NOT happy about! Because extensions take like SEVEN GODDAMN HOURS TO DO! And then I saw the client and I was LIVID. She had the most atrocious hair I've ever seen and I was supposed to make it look good?? I was pissed. So then me and Sarah start to do the hair, and talking to the girl you can tell she has a really low self esteem. She put a relaxer in her hair a while ago and ruined her hair completely. It's patchy, frizzy, and extremely thing. A complete NIGHTMARE for extensions. But we get going and it's starting to really look good. This girl is a completely sweetheart though. She was telling us about how she doesn't go to school anymore because she's gotten made fun of so bad. Listening to her talk made me want her to have the best hair ever, because I want her to feel beautiful. Making conversation I told her I got made fun of a lot in junior high. The way she looked at me, like she couldn't imagine why, as if I was perfect, made me feel so sad. Because I'm sure she looked at me with my long blonde hair and my thin body and thought my life was perfect. I hated that she was envious of me, because I know people like me keep her back from loving herself. When we finally finished her hair though, I realized WHY I want to do hair for a living. This girl and her mom both started to cry, because they thought she was beautiful. This girl came in with such a low self esteem and she left feeling like a million dollars. It was the most amazing transformation I've ever seen. I wish everyone could have seen this. I hope she feels this beautiful for the rest of her life <3
I'm so thankful that I finally have a reason for what I want to do in life. I feel like God read my blog yesterday and blessed me with this feeling today.
I talked to Robin today in class, and this girl gives some of the best advice without even realizing it. I felt like I could honestly talk to her because she doesn't judge at all. I'm really glad she's in theory and overflow. One day I'll have to let her know how much I appreciate her.
It's been such a heartwarming day.

I got the point that I should leave you alone, but we both know that I'm not that strong.

Sometimes all I want to do is crawl into the arms of the person that knows me best. I still miss my best friend
Sarah tovar put in her two weeks. I don't know what I'm going to do without her at work. She's my work best friend. Now work is just going to be folding panties and no giggles. No singing no dancing no staring at hott Rosetta stone boy. Just folding panties. I'm going to miss her. Especially because she was always there for me. A literal shoulder to cry on. This staff isn't the one I started with at all.
I'm sad right now. It's weird when you listen to a song in the morning and then at night it can apply. #miserable at best
What's wrong with me? Why was today so hard? Why will tomorrow be hard and Friday even harder? Can I just hibernate for a year then come back and already be accomplished? Because it sucks trying to get there. Im so insecure about my future right now. Point A point C but no point B

Have you cried all your tears my dear sweet girl?

How convenient is it that I was wearing a dream catcher when I had one of the weirdest dreams I've ever had before? In my dream I was looking back on flashes of my life and seeing all these important things that I usually over look. I saw my mother's hands and everything they've done for me, they way they could comfort me so easily with just the slightest touch and the way that they could clean up any mess that's been created. I saw my dads cheek and the way he used to always rub it against mine when I was little because he knew it tickled me. I saw Ben's huge grin and the way it could always make my smile come out too. I heard the sound of Drake's laughter mixed with Mike's. I heard Terance singing his song and Dixon reading Walt Whitman. I could feel my puppy's ears, feel the softness and feel the comfort he brings to me. I saw my first kiss. I saw glitter and roses. I saw myself sitting under a tree with Eric and felt that same inspiration. I remembered the feeling of my first concert. I remembered Triton holding me while I cried. I remembered the one and only time Nik told me I was beautiful. I remembered my grandma walking me to elementary every day. I remembered my grandpa sleeping in his recliner. I remembered the conversation me and my mom had on the way to South Towne. I remembered Taya coming to my school and taking me out of physics. I remembered every love I've ever felt. I saw all these things that mattered that I'd forgotten about. In a way, I imagine that's what happens right before you die. You see and feel things that made you who you were, that formed your life into the movie you want to remember. 

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

The weird thing about sleepovers is how much you bond. And it's really silly because you spend the majority of your time just sleeping beside them. Isn't that strange that you wake up and feel so much closer to them? Maybe it's because in the darkness that night brings, I start to talk about things that I don't talk about in the day time. It's like how I worry about things at night that don't even concern me in the day. It's those kind of thoughts and secrets that I share that allow us to bond. Maybe that's it, I guess. And because people learn to accept me even though I'll eat them out of house and home ;) pancakes and listening to the radio. Lounging around all day watching Mtv. So much that I even got extremely attached to a cheer team that I deemed as 'my' cheer team. Sometimes you just need a day spent in bed wearing pajamas and not doing your hair and makeup until it's time to actually be seen in public. I could almost feel the stress roll off me and feel my love for everything come back. We went and saw footloose and I really liked it. I want to take ballroom dancing classes! Any dance classes really! It was a good movie, but honestly, Kevin Bacon did it better. Yesterday was perfect and extremely needed. Thank you for the day. Thank you for being my best friend for what feels like my whole entire life <3

Unaware but underlined.

Today I was proven to be honest. I saw a dollar bill on the ground where a girl had just walked away from. So I went to go and pick it up for her. I thought it was just a dollar tip or something but when I saw it was a twenty it was a bigger deal than that. So when she finally came back, I handed it to her. She unfolded it and on the back it said 'did I get your attention?' It was a fake and she was just testing the integrity and honesty of people. I won :)
It's been a rough day :( there is still drama in cosmo and I'm not happy about it :( Sarah is still mad because I have Andy even though I 'don't deserve him' and she still doesn't have anyone. It's childish and reminds me a little of junior high. EVERYONE deserves to be happy! Not just her, but me and everyone else. The good, the bad, and the ugly all deserve to be happy! So why can't she just be happy that I'm happy? I'm honestly never going to confide in her about anything again. Because she holds it against you even though you're supposed to be a 'friend'
I need to stop thinking about it though because it just makes me upset and sad.

Sweetheart, you only live one time

I'm overwhelmed by life right now. Every aspect of life.
I don't know why I ever told you anything. I knew I shouldn't have, but I did. And it was stupid. I cried to you and it didn't mean anything to you. You weren't a good friend like I thought. You said to my face that you understood, but behind my back you tell people I don't deserve him. The person that helped me the most, the person that was a TRUE friend through this was Britney. Blue haired, non-christian Britney. People like YOU and people like HER make me single handedly doubt everything about religion. Because how come someone that doesn't go to church or institute know how to treat me better than someone who does. She doesn't think she deserves more than me because she thinks she's more 'pure' she knows we're equal. That we're all just trying to do the same thing. I know Sarah falls asleep at night thinking that she deserves Andy more than someone 'like me' ever could. I know it makes her angry that he could like someone 'like me' I know she wonders why she hasn't met a boy when someone 'like me' has them all over. I know she thinks she's better than people 'like me' but I'm a person too. I want the same things she does. To love, be loved, and make it back to god. So why is she so much better? Because she's enrolled in institute. I was in seminary when she wasn't. What's the difference? I know people 'like her' look at me and think I have things I don't deserve, they look down on me, judge me. People 'like her' look at me and know I'm not good enough for Andy. And I'm starting to believe them. People don't accept me with him, why would they. He's just too good for me. And god forbid I ever have something that's good or something that others might want. I'm not good enough to be accepted by Mormons. And I'm not bad enough to be accepted anywhere else. If other people can't accept me, why the hell would I accept myself? How can I when I don't fit anywhere. When people don't let me in. When my own friends look at me and don't think I'm enough. I've always struggled with thinking I'm 'enough' smart enough, skinny enough, good enough, perfect enough, pretty enough. And right as I was starting to, people let me know that I'm not and that I'll never be. I think about just giving up now. Giving up my relationship because sooner or later he'll see what everyone else does. Giving up hair because even THAT can be taken from me. Just giving up.
Days like this make is hard to believe in anything. In myself, in love, in God. And I've been having days like this so often lately that I'm losing faith. I feel weak again. All that strength and self esteem I had back in April. It's gone. Just from her saying 'If I were Andy, I wouldn't take her back.' I wanted to cry in the bathroom after Maria told me. Then I wanted to say 'If I were Izzie, I wouldn't like you either' but I didn't and I won't. I'll continue smiling and letting her take things from me. THIS is why my friends don't meet my boyfriends. Because jealousy. They're never just happy for me they can only think 'Well, I just really like him, and you don't deserve him the way I do' As if I'm supposed to say 'yes, you're right. I'm scum and you're heaven sent. Here, please take the boy I like.' Fuck that. Grow some balls and meet your own guys instead of just waiting for him to fall in your lap. I'm disgusted with humankind. And with growing up, I've found that I'm disgusted more often than not.
Life shouldn't be about people 'like me' or people 'like her' it should be about striving to be 'like Him' to be 'like Jesus' that's what this should all be about. But it isn't. Because there will always be people 'like me' and people 'like her' #giving up on trying to have a life and or friends.

The smallest sprout shows there is really no death

I had a really good talk with some of my co workers today. Just about religion and fears and I finally realized something. I'm not all that different. And I'm definitely not alone. It's nice having them to talk to and be completely honest with. Jessie wants me to go to church with her and it's kinda cool having her as a little support team :) It's days like these that make me so grateful to work at where I do because I'm meeting people that I know I'm supposed to. Sometimes I hate going to work, but nights like these make it worth it. I'm so glad I didn't call in sick to go see grieves. That is how could our talk was and how much it meant to me. #Inspired <3
Other than that people were rude, messy, and obnoxious :) But that's ok, I'm learning to deal with it a lot better than before. I used to just get silently angry. Now I get giggly and just think that I'm getting paid by the hour no matter what :) I'm glad I'm starting to get my positivity back :)
I'm thankful.

I had a bit of trouble takin' the picture. (obviously that was said in a british accent) 

I believe a leaf of grass is no less than the journey work of the stars.

Ohhh yeah, I have a blog ;) Gone are the days where I would post like 2834759824758 posts in a day. Now you're all lucky if I do it once a week! I really will try to be better! I just got in the habit of being so tired after work that I don't blog! Then I just got into the habit of being lazy :| HOPEFULLY I WILL CHANGE.
Tuesday :) I went to Temple Square with princess :) and it was super fun :) we just kinda walked around. Well, I did. He went around hitting on all the sisters ;) I was a saint and didn't even bother any of the elders ;) So, we're just sitting down on a bench by the temple and Andy takes my hand and very seriously looked into my eyes. And he starts off saying he was really happy that I came with him. Then, saying my full name, he started to get on one knee. What did I do? Run away. I RAN AWAY AS A MAN WAS TRYING TO PROPOSE TO ME!! ;) Luckily it was a joke. The downside? What if it's for real one day and I STILL run away????!!!?!?! AwfulAwfulAwful! My dad on the other hand, was very pleased to see me going to temple square. 'GO get married!!!' If I'm going to a store: 'Go buy your wedding dress!' My father is in quite the rush to get rid of me!
Wednesday :) was our evaluations day in cosmo :) straight A's, bro :) I love talking to Ann :) I told her how Andy 'proposed' and her eyes lit up brighter than the Rockerfeller Christmas tree! She approves of him :) I love her :) After our evaluations all of us went out to lunch and it was fun :) Even though I spilled my drink and made a HUGE mess! HOW EMBARRASSSINGGGG! I love being with Sarah and Kenzie :) without fail, the story of Kenzie's WHAPPP makes me laugh my head off :)) Couldn't live without hair school :) If we see anything abnormal 'Don't worry guys, we go to a community college' :)
Thursday. Hello headache of hell. Lazy day of pretty little liars, cuddling with my puppy, and knitting a scarf. An almost perfect autumn day :) Ended in a sleepy conversation with Andrew :) 'I just wanted to talk' 'About what? about what about what about what' For some reason the phrase 'About what' made me snort and giggle like a maniac for like ten minutes....
Watching pretty little liars always causes me to become very suspicious of murderers that I KNOW are invading my home!!! And people that I KNOW are watching me! And I just KNOW that someone is going to kidnap my puppy!!! But don't worry, I'm on the lookout. NOTHING is getting past me ;)
So remember last year how Kat read my future or whatever. She did all the way until october. So last night I took a curious little peak. October is soulmate. As my dad keeps saying, I guess I better go buy my wedding dress ;)
I just want to jump in a big pile of leaves. I want to read and write poetry. I want to wear huge scarves and listen to local acoustic bands in the coffee shop. I want to paint in the colors of the browning leaves. I want to fly kites during the day and carve silly pumpkins at night. I want photography. To be in it, to be behind the lens. I want to wear bright red lipstick and ld Lettermen jackets. I want to be INSPIRED by Autumn. I want to experience the illuminations and awakening of fall. I want to feel something NEW.
Kinda want to cut my hair :|

Come out of the closet, Andy ;)

But nothings greater than the rush that comes with your embrace.

Alright :) so yesterday :) Yesterday was a really good day :) I had Jammin come in to school and I cut his hair :) it looks like Zac Effrons :)) I really like it :) In the middle of class I got a call from Spencer so I was just WTF?! It was a butt dial but we ended up texting and talking and I'm honestly so grateful that he butt dialed me because he gave me some really awesome advice that I'm super thankful for :) I saw Nate yesterday and it was hella awkward :| He was kind of an ass. meh. Then I had to go to work and closing was a BITCH. Didn't get home until around twelve thirty. No biggie.
Today was midterms. I got one hundred on my test and I'm super proud :)) Now it's on to cosmo :)
Downtown with Princess tonight :) can't wait :))

Random heart to heart with Spencer Pond. I'm SO grateful for him. He's an amazing example.
Moreeee late maybe ;)

As long as you're with me, baby you'll be alright.

I certainly have a lot of catching up to do. Lets start on thursday. So on Thursday we had to do our midterm tests which are basically our finals for barbering because we're switching to cosmetology now. So on wednesday night I was supposed to study really hard for my theory test, but instead I read through the review once and went to bake cookies with Andy. Good plan, I know. So of course I was slightly worried for my test! But no worries, somehow I managed to only miss three. Out of a hundred. I'M A GENIUS. Then I had to do a practical test and we could either do a taper or a shave, and since I hadn't officially learned a taper I chose to do a shave. After A LOT of begging, pleading, and whining I got Andy to come in to be my model. Poor kid must have been nervous seeing my straight razor shaking in my hand as I prepared to perform my first stroke. He was a good sport though and really helped me calm down. I'm extremely grateful to him for that :) I got 94 on my shave which is still an A, but I wish I could have done better. Thursday night I closed and thank the Lord, Sara Tovar was there and that made me very happy because I hadn't seen her in so long and she's my work best friend :) We're pretty good at singing ;) 'My only concern is the next time ima get me someeee!' NOPE! ;) We have a pair of panties right now that says 'Ice cream and boys' what the random? So we tried to see a connection between the two... 'Licking' I laughed so hard. Sara is my favorite ever :)
So on Friday Andy convinced me to go to institute with him and Sarah Seastrand and it was a really good devotional and everything, but I was annoyed. Because I'm so insecure :( I know it's stupid to worry that Andy would leave me for Sarah because I KNOW he wouldn't do that, but I do know that she thinks he's good looking and she does want to get married and everything. The whole Robin Eric thing screwed me up. I worry about things I know I shouldn't. Because honestly Andy is a better guy than that and Sarah is a better friend than that. So why am I still worried?! Because I'm stupid. And I let it bother me all day. Me and Andy went on a date that night and we saw Dream House and I really liked it, but it almost sounded like I was THE ONLY ONE IN THE WHOLE THEATER that did! I thought it was good :) Whatever! :) Then after the movie I was sad again and I really just didn't know why :( I feel bad that Andy had to put up with my weird weirdness :(
Yesterday was mostly good. Work was actually really fun because I got to work with Sara again :) And I FINALLY have someone that doesn't like Tan! Because Sara was working up at the register and Tan sprayed her gorgeous perfume and no one really likes that smell and Tan wouldn't just admit that she sprayed her. And it was stupid, but everyone knows the best revenge is Rapture.... ;) we couldn't stop using british accents though :| 'Nigga say what' Just imagine it with an accent and you'll see why it's funny ;) STICK SHIFT! On my way home from work I saw Dylann and he flipped me off and I found this comical. Because that was high school... And I flip everyone off for everything so it has no meaning. Especially because the few times Andy has flipped me off, I've found him extremely attractive. Either way, I laughed the rest of the way home. Then I went to a wedding. I honestly have no idea which twin was even getting married, but I was there. And I had a good time :) even though it was outside so it was FREEZING! It was a nice wedding, but not like how I want mine to be. I hope Amber and Terrance are next to get married :) :) :) I went to Drake's house after and we all went to a coffee shop and it was really cool. Because it wasn't starbucks or anything stupid, it was the kind where people perform and it was fun. Drake brought his guitar and Mike sang an acoustic version of keep holding on and it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard. It was sad to watch him though. I remember when he used to sing about bitches and hoes. Not anymore though. Which isn't always so bad ;) on the way home he fell asleep even though it wasn't that late at all, so I went home a little earlier than I thought I would. When I got home I was just feeling really sad and looking back I don't know why. The last two days I've felt sad for no reason. I hope it stops soon.

Wedding flowers <3

Just a kiss on the lips in the moonlight

School was way fun today :) I went to institute which was pretty awkward because I got hit on by a lot of guys and had no desire to reciprocate flirtations. Free pancakes though :))
Hair hair hair. Britney gave me a facial and it was amazing :) I've forgotten to blog this so many times, but a couple of days ago she was telling me about how she's bisexual and how I'm her type. Look out world, girls think I'm hott too. ;)
I baked cookies with Andy tonight and it was super fun :) I was wearing a utes shirt and he FORCED me to wear a byu shirt! ;) Silly kid, but whatever floats his boat :) His sister emily stole like TWENTY MILLION cookies. There was a lot of kicking, pushing, and sneaking involved with this process :)) She's slightly crazy ;) His mom and dad make me so happy :) 'You don't flirt?? Yeah, sure...' Even his dad is aware of my flirtations process ;) So I've never really been kissed in the rain until tonight. It's the weirdest feeling to feel so warm on the inside but to know that your cold on the outside. It was a really good feeling :) oh yeah, I forgot. My mom had to give me the "marriage talk" today. Kind of like the sex talk, but different. 'You're too young, you should wait' Yes mom, thank you :) After about a month of dating, me and Andy have decided to marry. PRINT THE ANNOUNCEMENTS EVERYONE. ;) Juuuuust kidding, me and princess aren't even going out yet ;)

Steve jobs died before we could get married #crying

You're only the best I ever had

Today I cut Andrew's hair and I was TRIPPIN BALLS. I've never been so nervous to do hair in my life! And I don't even know why! As soon as he told me he was there I was shaking and nervous and it was weird! I don't know why, but Andy really does make me nervous sometimes! I was super happy to see him though :)) I start to miss him REALLY fast. It's weird. I don't know, I'm cluttered right now.
Then work.

Started not to give a fuck and not to fear the consequence

Today has been this entirely emotional confusing day and I'm extremely drained. I always hate losing any kinds of friends. I hate saying goodbye to even the slightest of people. And today's been like that I feel. Saying goodbye to some unimportant people and some really important people. It's hard, but I know it will still be ok, just different. The worst is when you don't even know why you have to say goodbye. Nik texted me again and told me how Jourdan is going through a lot and that I need to stop talking to him and her. ..I haven't talked to either of them in two weeks.. I honestly have no clue what he's talking about and I know I'm stupid, but yeah, it hurts. I FEEL DUMB EVEN SAYING THAT. But honestly, he was a really good friend and I don't know what even happened. I hate that I won't be able to just text him on a whim when I think about him. Because no I don't want to hook up with him, but I don't want him to hate me. I need to stop dwelling on it. I'm stupid for ever getting involved with that drama.
JayLynn cut her hair today and for about 3.5 seconds I considered cutting mine, but lets not get stupid! I've been growing it out for so long and I like it the way it is :) Then Andy came and saw me and everyone approved of him and think he's super cute :)) I really like showing him off :) Tonight was weird though. I was just kinda grumpy and I was just picking fights with Andy :( not huge life changing ones, but little annoying ones, and Princess, I just really need to say I'm sorry :( I'll make up for my behavior tonight, I promise. That's my day in a very miniscule nutshell.
I wish I didn't care about everything so much

It's not too late, it's never too late.

Tonight I went on a double date with Andy and Sarah and it was super fun :) we went and saw abduction which was a really dumb movie, but I still had a really good time :) 'You two have been on the run for 22 hours straight, I'm sure you're hungry. Let me take you out for a burger and milkshake' Me and Andy at the same time 'Yummmm' :) So. Pretty much Andy beat me up and gave me a bloody nose! Well. Kinda. Somehow I wacked my nose on his shoulder or something and he was put off from me hitting him so much and he was like 'I hope you get a bloody nose!' ...Well, then I did ;)
I love that Andy FINALLY got to sit and talk with me and my parents :) I hope that they like him :)) Because I really do ;) it was fun talking to them, even if they did always take his side!
Daddy, I love you. Thank you for caring so much about me and taking care of me. You're the best :)