And the hardest part is letting go.

You see, the thing is, is that I really don't know who I am. I know what I want to be, but that doesn't mean that's who I am. And even when I say what I want to be, I'm almost lying to myself. In all honesty, I do want to be what I say I want to be, but then when I'm all alone and thinking about it, I always add that I want to be famous. It's childish, it's stupid, and completely out of reach, but I think when I look deep deeply into my heart, that's what I find. I find the girl that still dreams of being a princess, of having a horse that can stay in my room, and owning a bubble gum pink car. And of course growing up to be a girl that everyone knows about, a girl who's name is known completely world wide. That's not who I am though. I'm the girl that doubts in almost everything, because that's what I've taught myself to do. Because at one naive point in my life, I believed in everything. I believed in love, love at first sight even. I believed that world were supposed to spin when you were kissed and that relationships could only go uphill. I believed that school was easy and it always would be. That my friends would always be by my side and never trade me up for popularity. I believed that people would always like me for who I am, not hate me for it. I believed that I was pretty even though I honestly wasn't. I believed that the world was good. That everything would be ok as long as I was a good person. I foolishly believed that life could be easy and that dreams were easy to reach. That's not true though. Now I can see that everything that is worth anything is something that has to be worked for. That stuff that doesn't come naturally will eventually. You'll always be bad at something until your good at it. It will always be hard until it's easy.
It's hard right now. Everything is changing. But soon even that will change and be easy. This time last year, everything was different. There was Triton, and my hopeless 'love' and need for him. We always said that we were a triangle, that if one of us moved even a little, the other would fall. But he graduated and moved on. I didn't fall though. Not completely. I was a little moved, and definitely had a ton of my strength taken away. But I was ok. And I had a best friend, the best of the best I thought. But he so easily left me and so easily didn't even care about me that I knew it wasn't real. He cared more about himself than I thought was possible. Last year, I was looking for love in all the wrong people and places. I'm trying my best to look in the right places now, but it's hard. I go to seminary, but I feel like only a few people want me there. I try to be nice to people, but they like the people that are rude to them. I'm trying to feel close to god, but sometimes I feel like he's gone. Like he's too busy blessing the lives of people like the eyre's to even bother with even being in mine. All I want is for my feet to get better, but they keep getting worse. I don't think that they're ever going to get better. It's not worth it anymore. I don't know how to get from point a to point b. I see where I am and where I want to go, but I can't figure out how to get there. I don't know how to make that transition. Or if I'll ever even be able to. I'm ready to just give up. I guess I wouldn't mind staying where I am right now forever. But I don't even know how to do that either. I wish it was just easy. It's not though. And I don't have a triangle anymore to help me. Now I'm just my own teetering line.
Genius is wisdom and youth. Why can't we just have both? And why has an english project caused me to think this much.
[i never should have let you let me go]