I never thought that I could feel this free

I know I'm really crappy at blogging lately but ohwell :))
Thursday I babysat :) for the final time :)) Ziggy is going to Florida and I don't want to return as his nanny when he gets back. The money was amazing but working was too rough for me :) no more 'phooEEE!' No more 'ahhhhgua!' no more :)) but no more money either... at this point I would normally start complaining about how I want to get a job. But who really wants to get a job?! I just want money..
On Thursday Eric came and visited me at school :) then he decided to come to my english class and ms. aalen said it would be ok. So he sat down in an empty seat. The empty seat right next to where Nik sits. So I'm just like 'ehma.. this is going to be so awkward...' but it wasn't. They were way chill with each other and it was just like whatever. And when class was over Eric informed me that Nik has a goofy face. HE DOES NOT!!!! It was very silly of him to even say that! ;) After school we went to mcdonalds and then he had to leave so I could get ready for work :/
Yesterday was great :) fantastic really :) I went to seminary council and I don't even know why, but it was pretty fun :) I did a perm in cosmetology and we discovered that Jessica has wayy super stretchy skin :) and somehow Julie ended up telling me that if I went out with her son I could come boating with them :) But since caleb doesn't like boating, I'm gonna go after her nine year old son ;)
In seminary we kicked off march madness :) I'm so so sooo excited :)) and Eric wanted to do it with me :) I hope he makes it! But halfway through the lesson, I got called down to the office. So at first I was like oh my councilor wants to talk to me about graduation :) then they said it was to talk to the cop. So my next thought was that it was about Dylann and how he's constantly an ass to me, then I decided against that and thought it was about my car getting vandalized! (it was a pretty long walk...) But then when I got there he was like I'm sure you know what this is about so in my head I'm like 'yeah about my car getting trashed!!!!' but I just shook my head. and he was like 'it's about a stolen sweater' so I thought it was going to be about Kiya stealing my hollister jacket, then it dawned on me what he really meant. He was a way chill guy to me, so I just told him what happened. The only thing that freaked me out was that he had one of my facebook pictures printed. And not like one of my profile pictures either, one of my senior pictures... so they would have had to go through my tagged pictures to find it. Why did they print THAT one anyways??? I was crazy! But we just talked, and I'm glad he was a nice guy. He made me feel pretty comfortable :)
After school was amazing :))) Me and Eric went to iceberg and ultimately pigged out wayy too much and just had a lot of fun :) then we went and saw never say never :) and I totally fell in love with Justin Bieber :) :) :) he's so adorable :) and he made me want to have kids because he was such a cute kid :) even Eric admitted that it was a really good movie :) I was pretty surprised by how good it really was :) the 3D sucked, but other than that it was amazing :) then we went back to my house and we really did just sit and talk to my mom for like five hours. Well, I guess it was mostly just me talking, but they did sometimes too :) it was a good feeling :) yesterday was perfection :)
'Stop talking! you're supposed to be thinking about your fingers!' -aerobics sub :))

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars.

'Justin bieber knows all about love!!!
he's sixteen!
He was thirteen!'
I love cosmetology :) especially when me, jessica, and megan discuss justin bieber and his knowledge of love ;) 'You like twilight? You're so lame. ...Did you hear about Justin Bieber??' I love them :)) they just make me so happy :) Kercee was gone though :( I hope she isn't sick!
Today I left my keys in cosmetology :| and I was not very happy about it. Not at all.
I got my sweethearts pictures today :) they're alright. I look hefty in one and my dress looks crazy in the other. Woof.
I have to babysit again tonight. Yesterday was terrible. Pleeeease let it be good! At least she pays me amazingly well :)) I like having money wayy wayyy too much :)

Happy birthday, sweetie. You're the best friend that I've ever had <3 I hope you have an amazing day. It made me smile that you still have the card I gave you all those years ago. Good lord it seems like forever ago. You're getting to be way to old. I'll always love you.
[it's ok not to be ok]
xxxxxx

'That's the price you've gotta pay to get sleazy, my friend.'

Overcoming my illness :)
Ke$ha <3

I know it has been a very long time, but it's hard to get the energy to blog when you have the flu! That's right, the flu has infected my body. It started on tuesday in cosmetology. I'd been given a client. And I was doing pretty good until all the sudden I just started blacking out and getting super dizzy. So I put down my shears and try to act like nothing is wrong. Then I go and cry (not literally, but almost) like a little baby to Julie. She went and finished up the haircut for me, but I was still expected to blowdry and flatiron the woman's hair. It was hell. And at this point all I wanted to do was go home, but I wanted to stay and speak at the lunch side like I had promised I would. So I went to seminary and I let brother sullivan know that I was having a pretty hard time. Then Eric came and surprised me with this gorgeous bouquet of sunflowers :) I swear he just knew I was having an awful day and needed something cheery :) but so then the lunch side thing started and they had Thane speak first and he did really good :) I was so proud of him :) I'm really thankful that I asked him to speak. Then I went to speak. And I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to because I didn't feel well, but I felt fine the whole time. I don't really remember anything that I said, but I'm really glad that I spoke because everyone told me that I did really well. I hope I did. But after I spoke I just couldn't take it anymore, so I went home. I felt like jizzzzz! But that didn't stop me from having to babysit ziggy. But luckily I have the best mom in the world and she stayed and helped me the entire night :) :) :) when I got home, I was just ready to shoot myself though. I really wanted to go to school the next day though, because we had this thing due in English (which they didn't even do...) and I wanted to talk to Nik and see if he was ok. I still feel like a dick when I think about that. I don't think I ever blogged about that though. But on valentines day I texted him and told him what we had done in English that day. And I told him that he better have done something special for his girlfriend. He then informed me that she had broken up with him. The day before. I'm an asshole.

Anyyyyways, I didn't make it to school the next day. Because at this time the flu had now completely taken over my body! I took like a thousand baths, but it did no good! This gave me way to much time to examine my body and well I'm pretty sure that my left side is significantly smaller than my right!!! Except my boobs, they're luckily the same. Either way though, I'm a freak!!! That's seriously all I can really say about wednesday. I couldn't do anything, because everything hurt. Thursday was a little better. I watched back to the future because I was feeling a little nerdy. But that's all. I then went back to feeling like shit. I couldn't eat, my fever wouldn't leave me alone, and everyone was too afraid to catch my disease to visit me. Then that night, just to put the icing on the cake of a terrible day, someone wrote all over my car windows. Like a child. I don't even know what it really said though because my mom was sweet enough to clean it off for me. She's so good to me :) I love her. And I love Kercee :) It was so cute :) every morning I woke up to a text from her telling me that she loves me :) and I love her :) :)

Friday. I have mixed feelings about friday. All day I was trying my very hardest to get better, and I did get a lot lot loooot better, but not as much as I would have liked. Taya was going to go to Ke$ha with us, but she got sick too and decided she would be too miserable :( So I invited Eric instead and I'm way glad he came. Because all night I was having trouble even standing and he let me lean on him and because I had a wayy bad craving for french fries and he brought me some :) It was amazing though. Ke$ha is beautiful. She's crazy! My favorite was grow a pear when an actual pear was on the stage :) there were some pretty trashy girls there. One was seriously just wearing lingerie. I thought I was cold outside standing in line, I couldn't imagine being her! There were gay guys everywhere too. There was one that was such a dick though... he full on yelled at the girl that was standing in front of me. I don't know what it is about gay guys, but why do they always feel the need to say 'hunny' when they're yelling at someone? Bugs me so hardcore... Back on topic though. I feel like we got pretty close to the stage :) not like insanely close, but pretty close. But I got really sick with all the jumping and grinding everyone was doing. And someone threw alcohol all over and it got on me. And there was glitter everywhere. That pretty much sums up the night I guess. We spent an hour just trying to get out of the parking lot. But Eric got sick by the time we got home :| hopefully he just got a cold and not the full on flu that I had...

Yesterday I was feeling even a little more better, but still not one hundred percent. And I had to watch Ziggy again. But this time, we didn't just stay at his house. We went to a baby shower for one of my Aunts (or is she a cousin? I really have no idea) it was fun though. And I discovered that this girl Mariah is in my family now. I'm pretty sure she went to junior high with me. And that she's a beazy. I guess she just showed up at my aunts house and told her that her husband was her dad (my aunts husband, not Mariah's) I would be pissed if that ever happened to me. But Ziggy was a pretty good kid the whole time, but then we had to go back to his house. Luckily he was super tired from not having a nap so he slept the whole time :) :) :) so I just got to sit and read :) and Pocahontas even came home early because she wasn't feeling well. That's not happy for her, but it was absolutely fantastic for me because it took two hours away :) on the way home I saw a massive accident on the freeway and it freaked me out like crazy. The roads were pretty bad, so it's just one more reason why I'm happy she came home early. So they couldn't get any worse. 

Today I'm feeling a little bit better :) It's mostly just down to a bad cough and blowing my nose a ton. I still can't eat very much though. I've lost a ton of weight. Seriously at least three or four pounds. And my mom advised me to try to keep it off. She told me this sickness was a gift. I can see where she's coming from and I really am going to try. I hope it's easy.

I've been so lazy today :) all I've done is read and rest. I'm reading nineteen minutes again because I'm obviously pretty much unable to do anything still. It's not as amazing as I remember it being. Maybe I just can't relate to it in the same way that I used to. Or maybe it's because I can relate to it a little too much now.

I never really blogged about sweethearts. It was alright. I felt so bad for Robin all night because of her crappy date. I felt like my dress wasn't enough. Tina's was insanely over the top making me feel even more underdressed. I got to change my earrings for the first time though. Well Eric did it for me because my nails were too long, but still. My date was just so quiet and so shy. He was alright though. At least he wasn't a douche to me. I'm really glad that Ben got to finally to to sweethearts even if it was a little late :)

I hope I get better before tuesday! I'm starting to actually miss school... or at least the people there.

xxxx

Belated.

Actually it was my blogs birthday last tuesday, but I've been too busy DYING to be able to post that :( and I was super bummed about it because I've been looking forward to posting that picture for like a year! Then I was too sick. Better late than never though.

I know that to live you must first give your life away

Valentines day is great :) I don't understand why people hate it! It's a day of love what's not to like?! Eric was absolutely the sweetest thing to me :) in the middle of English, he brought me flowers :) and one of those edible arrangement things :) it was so cute :) and as soon as he left everyone was telling me about how expensive those things are so I felt horrible :| but then he told me there was a surprise in the bottom :) so I started eating fruit like crazy and had the people around me eat some too :) and at the bottom was one of his shirts :) and not just any shirt :) the shirt that he wore to the carnival when we first hung out :) it was so so soooo cute :) :) :) and then (it gets better) I found out that he MADE the edible arrangement! He didn't just buy it! He spent all day making it instead! :) That was the most adorable thing ever :) and the roses were red and yellow :) That means love and friendship :) I bet he wasn't aware of that though :) it was adorable though! It just made everything so much happier! I feel like I didn't do enough for him though! And Mrs. Aalen told that I should go surprise him at work wearing his shirt :) maybe another time but we did hang out :) and we just went and got cafe rio :) and I thanked him bunches for my flowers :)

I taught in preschool today, but it was really nothing special :)  

I just wanna go to the library and check a cute book out or something!

And the hardest part is letting go.

You see, the thing is, is that I really don't know who I am. I know what I want to be, but that doesn't mean that's who I am. And even when I say what I want to be, I'm almost lying to myself. In all honesty, I do want to be what I say I want to be, but then when I'm all alone and thinking about it, I always add that I want to be famous. It's childish, it's stupid, and completely out of reach, but I think when I look deep deeply into my heart, that's what I find. I find the girl that still dreams of being a princess, of having a horse that can stay in my room, and owning a bubble gum pink car. And of course growing up to be a girl that everyone knows about, a girl who's name is known completely world wide. That's not who I am though. I'm the girl that doubts in almost everything, because that's what I've taught myself to do. Because at one naive point in my life, I believed in everything. I believed in love, love at first sight even. I believed that world were supposed to spin when you were kissed and that relationships could only go uphill. I believed that school was easy and it always would be. That my friends would always be by my side and never trade me up for popularity. I believed that people would always like me for who I am, not hate me for it. I believed that I was pretty even though I honestly wasn't. I believed that the world was good. That everything would be ok as long as I was a good person. I foolishly believed that life could be easy and that dreams were easy to reach. That's not true though. Now I can see that everything that is worth anything is something that has to be worked for. That stuff that doesn't come naturally will eventually. You'll always be bad at something until your good at it. It will always be hard until it's easy.
It's hard right now. Everything is changing. But soon even that will change and be easy. This time last year, everything was different. There was Triton, and my hopeless 'love' and need for him. We always said that we were a triangle, that if one of us moved even a little, the other would fall. But he graduated and moved on. I didn't fall though. Not completely. I was a little moved, and definitely had a ton of my strength taken away. But I was ok. And I had a best friend, the best of the best I thought. But he so easily left me and so easily didn't even care about me that I knew it wasn't real. He cared more about himself than I thought was possible. Last year, I was looking for love in all the wrong people and places. I'm trying my best to look in the right places now, but it's hard. I go to seminary, but I feel like only a few people want me there. I try to be nice to people, but they like the people that are rude to them. I'm trying to feel close to god, but sometimes I feel like he's gone. Like he's too busy blessing the lives of people like the eyre's to even bother with even being in mine. All I want is for my feet to get better, but they keep getting worse. I don't think that they're ever going to get better. It's not worth it anymore. I don't know how to get from point a to point b. I see where I am and where I want to go, but I can't figure out how to get there. I don't know how to make that transition. Or if I'll ever even be able to. I'm ready to just give up. I guess I wouldn't mind staying where I am right now forever. But I don't even know how to do that either. I wish it was just easy. It's not though. And I don't have a triangle anymore to help me. Now I'm just my own teetering line.
Genius is wisdom and youth. Why can't we just have both? And why has an english project caused me to think this much.
[i never should have let you let me go]

Would you swear that you'll always be mine?

The open house has been crazyyy! Yesterday I dyed Robin's hair :) and I didn't want to tell her, but she was my first official client :) it went well though :) the mixed berries on her head subdued to a not so vibrant shade :) thank the lord! I would have a hard time telling someone that pinkish hair is totally hott these days. I cut Eric's hair too :) it turned out pretty good for my first official men's haircut :) I was pleased :) then I had a party girl :| the dreaded party girl! There were like eight of them. Giggling screaming, twelve year old girls. It was hell. I had to do an updo. And makeup. And her goddamn nails. By the end of my three hours with her, I was quite pissy and very much dismayed. And the little hoe didn't tip me even one nickel. Her and all of her friends were gushing about how with makeup they looked sixteen. Please! They looked thirteen at the most. Toolbags. Not even a single nickel!!! I should have made her look fugly, but I was feeling a little charitable I guess. I met my sweethearts date too :)) he drove all the way from draper just to see me for a minute :) Eric was so sweet to him too :) He gave him good directions and everything :) I totally expected Eric to be like 'Ok get off on this exit and go to hell!!!' But he didn't :) he was so sweet :) And Brandon was pretty chill :) we didn't talk much but he's hella tall! And him and Eric got along pretty well :) I'm wayy excited for sweethearts :) I sluffed aerobics again yesterday :) and went to cafe rio :) I had an amazing time and I saw a man that dressed exactly like chuck bass! It was so crazy! I was surprised with a pork salad and it was the best :))
Today in English I realized something. Nik adjusts himself. A lot. Like his hand is literally usually at least halfway in his pants. It was just an odd little thing that I had never noticed before. Crazy.
Today Eric came to the open house to see me again :) He was so adorable getting a soda for my mom and everything :) but I felt bad when he left early. Like maybe because I was a douche or something :( or because I was just I don't know.. a douche. But I was busy doing my mom's hair. Foiling. Those stupid foils!!! Fffff! But it looks really cute now :) her color is way adorable :) And Carolyn the receptionist made my day :) telling my mom how she's always remembered my name because I smiled so big at her :) and how she can be having an awful day and I can still make it better for her :) she made me feel really special and I needed to hear that so much :) and then this random worker lady at subway told me that I'm the happiest person she's ever seen :) it made my day so so much :) I'm extremely grateful for that sandwich making lady ;) Tina came over for a minute to borrow a jacket for sweethearts :) her dress is like omg gorgeous! I can't compete with that! I'm going to look so plain compared to her! I'm way nervous that I'll look too plain :| I hope my dress is pretty enough! I'm so worried now! Uggg :|
Oh well :) I need to sleep tonight :) stress free :) if I can just stop worrying about my english project that would be great :) please and thank you.

If you're scared it lets you know that you're taking a chance. And if you aren't taking a chance then what the hell are you doing?
xxxxxx

I found my strength in your arms

Today has been absolutely lovely :) I dyed jammins hair again and it made me realize something :) when he comes to cosmetology everyone flocks to us ;) and girls always whisper in my ear if that's the guy I like... Gross! That's my brosky.. But it was fun nonetheless :) despite the awful firedrill that we had to do in the freezing cold :| today in English I almost had a heart attack when Nik told me that his god sons name is ziggy. I mean how many kids have that name?! But it's just a crazy coincidence because the moms name wasn't Pocahontas ;) then he read my bucket list and my grateful list and my poetry :| well that's just a very vulnerable feeling right there :| but he was pretty chill about it. But when he snapped my bra straps I was just like WTF?! He's like a crazy fourth grader I swear! Tina came over and tried on my dresses but I felt awful because none of them fit her :( I didn't even think about that happening! She just had broader shoulders than me it's not because she's fat or anything.
I finally went and got my sparkle glitter makeup for sweethearts :) I'm officially extremely excited :) then I was off to babysit little ziggy again :) he's just a crazy little guy :) we played trucks and pretended the sippy cups were cell phones :) we ran around and are pancakes :) then we sat and read books together :) he even read me the book tails :) I decided to ignore the fact that it wad upside down :) I had a great time with the kid :) but now I'm tired and grumpy! So goodnight :) xxxxx

This is our fate, I'm yours.

Today has been so hectic. So much has gone on. I got my bangs cut :) megan did a fabulous job if I must say so :) I'm very proud of her :) Seminary was really awesome today :) I just love that class :) it makes me just happy :) I learned a lot today, but I'm way to tired to recall :| water aerobics today... I'm terrified for my feet :| please please pleaseee don't get any worse! I babysat for pocahontas today :) I'm officially her son's nanny :) his name is Ziggie :) he's two and he's pretty adorable. In his world saying phooey means food and climbing on my lap is completely acceptable :) for a non-relative kid he's pretty alright :) I'm gonna be seeing a lot more of him apparently :) then I came home, leaving one cuddly kid just for another. Freaking tank bombarded me with snuggles :) it was one of those days that I really needed that :) I haven't been this tired in so long :)
In the locker room while I was changing into my bikini, a heavenly messenger made my day I swear :) 'Adri, you have the most perfect body' no joke. full stop that's what she said. I needed that more than anything. I feel like she had that sense to tell me. I've been getting pretty sketchy about everything lately, but I'll try to check into reality now.
'My bottoms keep falling off!
Good thing there are no guys in this class.
Umm yehh there are...
Ok, no real guys'
in any other situation I would have quickly come to defense. In this situation though, I just let them laugh and I went on with my aerobicizing.
I'm just way too tired to even type right now.

I pray for this heart to be unbroken.

This weekend has been a pretty good one :) Friday night was way fun and saturday was a well deserved day of rest :) Robin and Kira came to try on some dresses :) and I really hope that somehow at least one of them was able to work :)
Today was pretty good :) I went to the mall to look for some new makeup for sweethearts :) silver sparkles is the winner :) I'll have to go back tomorrow to get it :) and Pocahantas messaged me on facebook and I'll be babysitting for her on monday and tuesday :) then I have the cosmetology open house the rest of the week :) I'm pretty excited to be honest :) it will be such a busy week and I love that :) me and Eric went to memory grove today and it was really fun :) we had our very own little picnic and then we just walked around. It was kind of cool seeing all of the names and everything. Then we found this super sketchy dangly thing in a tree. And I took it. At first I didn't think anything of it though. It had a picture of a warrior thing on the front and on the back it said 'we don't need another hero' so I was just like that's weird. Then we went to this platform stage thing that he had told me about. Apparently Kevin Carrington had seen some devil worshippers there before, so I was excited to see it. But then I just got creeped out... because there were like upside down crosses and stars everywhere around there. So then I looked at that dangly tree thing (which for some stupid reason I had decided to put on my wrist) and it suddenly seemed demonic! 'We don't need another hero'?! Wtf does that mean??? But of course I still had to take it so I can do research on it! :) so then I officially got creeped out and automatically started thinking about getting possessed and I decided that it was too cold and I wanted to leave :) and on the way back to the car we saw a stick figure person in the rocks :| This of course reminded me of the blair witch project :| this grove thing was just a little too sketch for me. I want to go back when it's warm though and hopefully when my feet feel better so I can actually hike some of the trails and look at all the plaques and stuff. I'm a little nerdy for even saying how much I want to read the plaques... But I do! Anyways, so far I'm not possessed and I hope it stays that way! I wouldn't even know how to go about getting rid of a demon :| It's too close to bed time to even think about this :|
I can't wait for the week to begin :) bring it on :) I hope I can find time to get my nails done...
'Even though sometimes your bff makes you say wtf, they always make you feel richer than ever' <3 Drake :)

Good lord I suck at blogging these days :|

Keep your eyes locked on mine and let the music be your guide

So about that play yesterday... WOOF! What a joke! It was long and boring with terrible accents. It was just awful... awful!
Today on the bus Sarah really inspired me. She told me about how her and Nathan broke up and how it was because she knew he couldn't take her to the temple and how that's what she wants. She was crying the entire time, but I really respect what she did. It took so much faith to do that. I know she'll be blessed in the long run and that it will be worth it :)

I had a really good time with Eric and his family tonight :) it was really simple, but it was so much fun :) we watched the blair witch project (which was pretty stupid to be honest...) and ate betos :) then we played garage band for the rest of the night :) if only I was good at the drums.... It was still a really good night :) we ended by singing at the top of our lungs all the way home :) it was nice :) I was very happy :) very very happy :) I really like going over to his house just because his family is so chill :)

I can't be bothered with any more typing. I'm already basically falling asleep because I'm so cool...

I went to another seminary council meeting :) I'm so proud of myself for going :)

This whole world has no idea what to do with us.

i just think they're beautiful ok?

Today I'm going to blog a little earlier than usual :) this is to test my theory that maybe this will decrease my spelling and grammar mistakes ;) we'll see :)
Today has been crazyyy up and down. In cosmetology today Kercee lost her ring. Or it was stolen. I'm not sure, but either way it made me sick to my stomach. If someone stole it, I wish they would just give it back. We aren't children. This isn't just a stupid ring to her, it has sentimental value. I almost cried when I saw her even tearing up. Her poor boyfriend is probably going to feel so awful that she doesn't have it anymore. I really hope that it turns up soon. I feel awful for her. I just care about people so easily. She's done so much for me and I keep telling myself to tell her how much she means to me, but lately I've been feeling so shy. My whole personality has changed around. And I don't know if I like it. I've just been so to myself about everything. I just need to talk to Taya :(
Seminary was very nice today :) I sluffed fourth and even went to it again because I'm that cool. We talked about the priesthood and it was really cool :) But in fourth period that C.J kid was there. And he kept staring at me. I don't know if it's because he knows who I am or because I looked really good today ;) right in the middle of the lesson Eric surprised me with a happy meal :) :) :) and it had the rainbow dash toy!!!! :) :) :) he is so adorable!!! It made me smile so big :) He's so sweet to me sometimes :) then me and him went and got a new straightener at sally's :) he was so excited :) and we stopped at walmart to get him new deodorant :) he smells like himself again!! :) made me happy :) we hung out for a little, but then he left to go donate plasma :)
Lynnsee messaged me on facebook saying she misses me and that she's sorry for everything that she has done to hurt me. I don't know what to do. But lately I've been really missing her too. I don't know. I'll think about it tonight I guess.
I'm so excited for school to be over soon :) it's going to come so fast :)
'Are you excited?
Yes :)
Why :)
well it's not because I like school dances so it must have something to do with you :)'
Awww so cute :)
I'm just bare haps :)
I'm off to the play now so I'll blog about that tomorrow :)

'Can we come hot rubbing?'
I meant hot tubbing ok?!

Exploring the madness.

Cosmetology is nom nom nom :) we didn't find out the winners of skills, but we will tomorrow :) We talked about great things today :) and jersey shore girl had some gossip about Clayton, the guy that Kercee talked to. But I know she'll make the right decision and that she won't get hurt :)

So I'm soaking my feet right now :) then I saw my phone clear across the room :| 'Mom mleh mleh mleh!!!' 'You know you're just a brat!'

me (crying): 'my life sucks'

Eric: 'There are people worse off then you out there'

'I don't care about them! I care about me!!!'

'You're a selfish bitch!' Made me laugh so hard :)

Me and Tina and Ashley went to lunch today at einsteins. And I got distracted by the hott bagle guy ;) bahaha :)

Mason's gone. Eric was sad. I know I'm a douche, but I don't care that he's gone :) I just care that Eric was sad. 

In english we were supposed to write poems.... no.... then we watched a way sad movie about the civil war and stuff. The saddest thing was just seeing the grown man cry. That's always so sad to me :/ When I saw my dad cry it broke my whole heart in two. When they cry that's when you know it must be really bad. By the way I DID come home and start right my poetry! I just couldn't write the one about looking up at something tall and talking to it... That's much much to embarrassing. Maybe later. Yeah right.

Eric came over see me tonight :) it was fun :) we didn't really do anything, but it just felt nice to sit with him. Tomorrow he's going to bring me a surprise for lunch :) :) :) so so so excited :)

I know I'm missing something about my day, but I can't think of it :) ohh well :)

Horse came over. She's obviously the reacher and Ben's the settler :| my poor brother. He needs to stop throwing her the hook too btw...

Happy. Happy. Happy.

Even if it's alone.

My road trip was quite fabulous in many ways :) I feel extremely close to Kercee after everything that happened and everything that we talked about. It was nice to be able to talk to her so much and so openly. Our slumber party took place on friday where we watched this really lame movie about a horse and then her friend stayed until like two in the morning whining about his love life, but earlier that night we had gotten a giant cookie icecream thing so it was worth it :) it was the cutest little pizza place :) I can see how Kercee thought it was super romantic. Magna main street is actually super adorable altogether :) and I got to see the infamous baseball field :) we left bright and early on saturday and Kercee's mom drove like such a madwoman that we got there in no time :) cheetos=breakfast of champions. I went to a rodeo for the first time :) :) :) it was an interesting experience to say in the least. I got made fun of quite a bit for my lack of knowledge :| but it was still awesome to see. And if you're looking for the place to see the most buckle jeans in the world... got to a rodeo :) That night Cooper and Tyler came over to the room. And all Cooper wanted to do was drink. So we ended up playing kings cups. Me and Kercee didn't drink, she was partnered with cooper and I was with Tyler. So they would drink for us. Basically they were just constantly drinking... Then cooper made the rule that if we said 'you' then we would have to take something off. That shut me up real quick. I didn't approve of that. Kercee was just down to her adorable little panties though ;) but around midnight Tyler had to leave. Cooper didn't want to though, so we let him stay. Then at like two thirty we had to sneak out to take him to his hotel :) adventurous... and scandalous :) him and Kercee ended up making out :) She's so funny :) That night in the room above us the couple got in a really bad fight. It was so scary. And Kercee told me about how it wasn't a happy place and how her mom and dad got in a fight on vacation once and almost divorced. It's weird, but her family wasn't real until that moment. I'm really glad she told me. On sunday we went to the hairshow and it was pretty sweet :) not what we expected, but it was still interesting :) then Kercee's boyfriend came down to see her. It made me feel so lonely to see them together. And my self esteem took a terrible fall. I just felt gross and hideous. It wasn't my best point. On monday we had to leave our beautiful sunshine though :( and we came home. We didn't even sleep on the way back ;) I was wayy happy to be home, but then Eric came over and it just went down hill. We got in a huge fight about a misunderstanding and it was stupid. I walked away and he didn't follow me. My mom had to open the door to a crying, snot nosed daughter. My dad thought it was about him 'pressuring me into something I didn't want to do' but it honestly wasn't. It was just me having a low self esteem and him making it worse. I feel asleep thinking awful things about myself.
Today was the skills competition. Me and Kercee did pretty well I think. It looked really cute even if we don't win :) and Jaylynn told us some stories about her and her boyfriend. And it made me hate camille ipson just a little but more for her. Seminary was alright. I feel like it's my duty to keep Ryan awake and learning. But maybe I'm just being a freak. I really like talking to Thane though because he's way chill and he's super nice. He makes me feel really good about myself. I went home for lunch because I forgot my socks and needed more tampons. It felt so good to get away from school. Aerobics was alright. My feet are in constant despair though :/ After school Eric called me and we went and saw the rite. It was such a good movie :) I'm so glad that I went and saw it :) It was so sketchy though! But it was a really amazing movie and talked about god in some of the coolest ways :) I really enjoyed it ok :) but then me and Eric started fighting again :/ because it's period week and I get grumpy. And he joked about getting back with Rachel. And I know it's just a joke, but it bothered me so much. Then I saw that they really are talking again. And he blamed me for it because he didn't have anyone to turn to yesterday. I hate her. No wonder she was staring at me today. Because she knows she could steal him at any second just to make me miserable 'She wouldn't do that' I wouldn't put it past her she's been such a bitch to me. 'She just said thanks for recommending that book to her.' you asshole. That was my book. and you just gave it to her. I told you to read it for a reason. Because it made me think of you and I wanted you to understand some things. But you obviously didn't care enough to keep it an us thing. You had to bring that little whore into it. And I don't care if she has a boyfriend. She's cheated before. For you and on you. But she never gave you a reason not to trust her. Of course not. Not perfect little Rachel. I wish she would just die. But then it would just make me hate her more to see you cry over her dead body.  I just want her out of the picture. It shouldn't be that difficult! Why won't you let go?! And now you won't text back because you're best friend in leaving for two years tomorrow. If he's your best friend then why didn't you turn to HIM yesterday?! Or better yet, why didn't you text ME so we could work it out?
I hate period week.
it was my book. and you don't even understand why that makes me upset that you told her