I'll be just fine pretending I'm not

My nails are like my strength. Covered with acrylic they were strong and nearly unbreakable. Sure there were a few chips here and there, but overall they held an aura of strength. They were my barrier. But of course there was a weak link. And today it broke, just as I broke. Forcing me to take off all the rest. And now all that's left is the real, weak me, my real nails. And now I'm forced to cover them with polish to hide the fact that they are as weak as they are. I'm forced to hide.
'Adri, I just wanted to call you and tell you that I love you.'
Mike, don't you dare start telling me goodbye. Not yet, not now. There isn't time for that. Only time for bravery. I know you're scared, and to be honest I am too. But let's not give up or give in. I know it's your birthday tomorrow and I know it's the last thing you want to have. I know you don't want to get older, but I think we should celebrate. Lets not think of it as one day closer to the end. But one day farther from the beginning. Kids our age aren't supposed to die. But they do and I'm coming to terms with it. I love you so much, Mike. More than you know. And I'll be here for you. Me and Drake. We'll always be here.

Stop coming in on my passions. You don't even know how much you're hurting me. It's never been a whim for me like it is for you, it's always been my life.
Dear Eric, thank you for letting me cry. I'm sorry I'm stressful and that I'm so much to handle, but thank you for being my friend. I know I say that to you a lot, but it's because I have so much to be grateful for. Thank you for allowing me to open up and expose my fears. Thank you for the comfort. I know you don't believe me, but I am listening to your words. It's just going to take some time. I love you.
Clearly from the title, I'm back to my used days. What is happening to me?! Zak corrupted my music taste :/

Even just pretending to be strong is better than being a weakling.

'The book of Drake: chapter 18 verse 6'

Destiny is calling me.

Everyone talks about how the snow makes them feel all icky inside, but it doesn't to me. Not this kind, not right now. I always find myself inspired on a rainy day or when the snow is gently falling (not the kind that dumps down, heavens no, not that kind of snow :| ) So a day like today leads me to reflecting. About everything that has happened this year and how blessed I am. January seems like forever ago, but I remember I started wearing extensions to school and that's when people started to think that I was pretty. Boys noticed me and girls started to get jealous. This was the first time someone other than my mom and Terance had referred to me as beautiful. In February I started my blog, finally finding a release other than Triton's shoulder. In March me and Mitchell started to get close again, Kim and Xyra were always by my side, I got asked to my first prom, and I turned 17. April was a blur, I remember feeling heartbroken most of the time and lonely the other part. This is when Triton, Mitchell, And Taya helped to rescue me. This is also when I went to a soccer game and met Eric. May was a huge time for my spiritual growth, Eric and Mitchell taught me a lot about prayer and what it's like to have a real relationship with God. June was a time that I spent reflecting over my friends because most of them were leaving to college to start their new life without me. I wondered who I would be and who they would become. It was often on my mind if I would be forgotten or if they would always remember me. July. Ohh July, this is when Me and Zak got close again, but it's also when me and Eric didn't. It was my time in california where all I wanted to do was get a deep tan and go to the beach. August was when it really felt like summer, boys showed interest in me, I went shopping a lot, ben was home, it just felt like summer. September was a month of heartbreak, not for me, but for my best friend, which in translation means my heart was also breaking. September was a month of tears, it's when Mike started fainting and we found out about the cancer. It's also when Dylann first started hating me, but it's also when I found out how many people I have on my side. Hot english kid also enters into the scene at this point. October was a month of drama for me and Mitchell, but it was also when I realized how much he meant to me. This is when I became Barbie with the perfect Ken :) Me and hot english kid had began texting by now and I was starting to learn how much my cosmetology girls mean to me. Eric was by my side through every tear and every fit that I had. The beginning of October is when I realized how inadequate I am to the seminary kids. November. Ben. Ben. Ben. Ben being broken, Ben whining about being broken, Ben starting to heal, Ben getting a girlfriend, Ben having his first kiss, Ben never being home. November was a time for me when I learned to be a little less selfish and I learned that I can't always be the center of attention in my family :/ Dylann entered into my life again, in a negative way of course. But I once again started to realize how many people I am lucky to have in my life. November is when I started to actually count my blessings. And December. Starting on Wednesday. We'll see what that turns into. But looking at my year this way, nothing seems that bad. But some of it was. But between Mitchell, Cambry, Triton, Taya, and Eric, I've survived making it through everything with a smile on my face. I love you all so much. I'm extremely thankful for everyone that has let me cry on their shoulder, who has offered me comfort, and those who have been my friend through it all. I'm also grateful for those who make me cry and doubt myself, because in the end you've forced me to learn more about myself. Thank you for allowing that opportunity to arise in my life.
And now now the year following  (according to my tarot cards)
November: Harmony
December: Lose support
January: Spiritual growth
February: Study
March: Dreams
April: Surrender and release
May: Ideas and inspiration
June: Blessings (although, this card was upside down.)
July: Celebration
August: Freedom
September: Lost new love
October: Soulmate
Bring on the new year :)

If you have thank you cards in your house, it's because you aren't grateful enough.

Borrow the moonlight until it's all through..

Sooo I haven't blogged in a really long time. So I'll do main points :)
First of all (and most importantly) I survived the blizzard :) :) :)
Instead of going to school I stayed home and had a Harry Potter marathon :) Oh yes :)
Me and Mitchell went thanksgiving shopping :) And I pretty much love his family :)
Thanksgiving was amazing :) honestly, the best turkey I've ever had :) I had a lot to be thankful for this year, and I did recognize all of my blessings. It's nice to come to the realization that life is good.
Me and Katie had an epic sleepover :) :) where we fell asleep at like eleven thirty :/ But we had top ramen and chicken pot pie for breakfast :) oooh yes :) then she did my makeup and we went to the district :) It all sounds boring, but there were some really good times :) and I ate like a million jolly ranchers I swear..
Me: whimpering sounds intermingled with coughs
Katie (whispering): fuck you..
Oh no she's not a grump in the morning or anything... ;)
Me and Eric went out tonight :) I love Tios :) And I love the waitress we had :) she's the nicest waitress I've ever had :) she even beats the guy that served us at homecoming ;) amazing food :) amazing night :) I could have spent the entire evening there :)
I love this moment.

Go live your fairy tale. Carpe Diem.

Today, to be honest, was amazing.
I got to hang out with Eric today and it was just chill. He learned more about me and it felt nice in a vulnerable way.
I've been in a happy mood today. Just giggly and fun and bubbly :)
and to top it off when I was at the gym Zakary called me :) and we hung out for a minute :) just driving around and catching up :) I adore him and he's still one of my really good friends. I need to pray for him more. Out of gratitude and out of guidance.
Today I've just been missing Triton. I think I'm going to text him tomorrow just to say hi.
I love life :)

Im in love with my crazy beautiful life.

It's like an old best friend that I want out of my life, but they won't go away. Always pushing back into my life and never leaving. Always forced upon me and I can't look the other way. It's stress. It's control. It's wanting to be perfect. Nobody thinks that they could do it, but they can. There's a small place in our brain that would do it. Everyone has it. I never thought it would be me, but here I am. It's not what everyone thinks. It's not just for the reasons you would imagine. It's not the common cliche that health class teaches you. It's so much more than you know. More than the movies they show. And definitely more than the facts on the piece of paper they give you. It's a warping of the mind. Forcing you to over exaggerate everything. Every flaw, every mistake. It's something that just grows on to every list. The list of stress. The list of imperfections. You have to do it. It follows me. Tempting me at every moment. Almost always coming to the surface. Almost, but not quite. Because this time, I'm going to win. I'm not going to be controlled. I'm not going to be taken over. I will not succumb to my weakness. Not this time. That's what I need to keep telling myself as his words ring in my ears. Not now, and not because of him. I need to keep fighting. Even if that means that I won't always smile or that sometimes I'll just stand in front of a mirror. Sometimes I know I won't believe in myself. But ultimately I know that I'm going to make it. There are so many bigger priorities than this. My future, my family, my friends, my career, my heavenly father. It's not even worth it.
I sound emo. But this is a blessing, a trial I was trusted with to conquer. Wish me luck.

Sadie Hawkins dance. In my khaki pants.

Pros:
The shirts came out quite nicely and many people complimented them :)
No accidents for Adri :)
Baby scraped the windows for me :)
The defroster eventually worked on the drivers side :)
Apollo Burger was amazing :)
Me and Mitchell got married :) :) :)
They played Ke$ha :)
We were trees in a group picture :)
Rachel got a new boyfriend :) ta ta :)
Tyler wrote on mitchell's wall :) :) :) :)
Cons:
It snowed. Alot.
We got lost on the way to baby's.
My mother is embarrassing to me.
We got stuck in the fucking snow fucking twice.
It was freezing.
There was drama on facebook that I didn't see.
My defroster is shite.
I can't cut v-necks.

JUNGLE FEVA :) sadies was amazing because of all the jizz that went down. Worst night ever= amazing memories to tell my future children.

Jungle Feva :)

Get. Sleazy.

Today Eric brought me cafe rio :) and I loved it even though there was no meat and there were black beans in it. And I love the reaction that a giant cupcake brings to the halls of taylorsville high school. Of course there were the obvious 'Whoa! look at that cupcake!' and 'did you see that huge ass cupcake?!' then there was the odd questions 'Can I have some?' 'Is that real?!' Yes it is, no you can't.
I sluffed the assembly and began watching titanic :) then eric came over and watched it with me. And for the first time he actually cried while watching it. So there we were looking like toolbags, hugging and crying over titanic. Then we just started laughing and I cried again. It was good though. Refreshing.
Then Mitchell came over and we went to kay's and molly's birthday dinner :) 'this is a nice restaurant! you were supposed to dress up!' me and mitchell in our sweats :) 'lets steal the bowls!' :) 'no it's not a Buddhist thing to do, it's just an asian thing.' 'Try the meat, it's good!' 'with or without youuuu. I CAN'T live with or without you!!!!'

I don't need love looking like diamonds.

Honestly, I think it's kinda funny that
You waste your breath talking about me
Got me feeling kinda special really
This is what you're all about
Thank god for Ke$ha.

Tell me something sweet to get me by.

'Oh honey you must be eating again because you're starting to get fat.' I have those words memorized because they were so random. And they were exactly what I've been thinking all week. I'll never forget the way that Kercee and Megan rushed to my side to embrace me. The way that Sarah wiped my tears and Jasmine threatened to jump him. The way that Mitchell automatically knew that something was wrong. But I'm going to be grateful for this in the end. Because it's only going to make me stronger and it reaffirmed to Mitchell that he's too good for Dylann. I'm grateful, but the sound is still ringing in my ears.
'You're so pretty! I love your style and you're seriously like a barbie! You're the prettiest girl! Seriously!' I don't know you, but I memorized your words too. You were an answer to my prayers and you were exactly what I needed. I'm never going to forget you.
Mitchell answered me to sadies today :) and hott english kid visibly checked me out :)
In third we got tomato soup and we stole some pie :) bahaha
I got tickets to Ke$ha, bitch.

'When you text me do you feel like god tells you to?
I know he does
I really needed someone to text me.
I always hear a "you should text Adri" and if I don't right away then it's all I can think about until I do'
Geoff. Thank you for always listening to the spirit and giving good advice. Thank you.

Things I seriously dislike:

ahem.
1. When my nails chip. after three days.
2. When my extensions get all knotted.
3. When my eyeliner just doesn't go right.
4. Shampoo sets.
5. How long it takes to copy down texts
6. The week before my period.
7. Private profiles on myspace.
8. When my best friend looks amazing and I'm wearing a sweatshirt.
9. Trying to find a group for sadies
10. THE WEEK BEFORE MY PERIOD!!!!!

Man, oh man, your my best friend. I scream it to the nothingness.

Yesterday sucked. It was just awful.

Today was a small improvement. I waxed miriam's eyebrows. But I'm quite upset that she is starting to talk all her nonsense again. Just stfu. Cosmetology girls give the best advice and really care about me

Katie told me a little secret today :) I love secrets.

I came home and immediately started copying down texts. yepp. this is the life.

Just gonna wait for gossip girl now.

I honestly can't think of anything else to really say.

Wait until tomorrow and you'll see that I'm worth waiting for.

Don't worry. I'm a professional.

Today was completely exhausting. I finally got to take my extension class and I did an entire head of extensions. It only took four hours. No big deal. And total I got seven more hours to add to the goal of two thousand. yehh. I'm pro. I think extensions are my thing. It's my nitch. Thank you Scott and thank you Julie for helping me find it. I like the feeling of accomplishment that I have. My mom looks pretty good with her long hair to be completely honest. There isn't too much else to say about my day other than my feet hurt, my heart is warm, and I'm ready for sleep. And I burned my finger, but I only did it once. So I guess that means I improved :)
'If you cut too much hair off you can put it back on ;)'

p.s. supposedly I'm going to have two kids. One boy one girl.
Bring it on Triton James and Skye Empathy.

It's about damn time to live it up.

Today was amazing <3
Seriously amazing.
I had my eyebrows waxed and plucked to near perfection and my hair looked pretty good.
Kercee: 'Do you have english today?' 'yeah how did you know??' 'You look cute today' :)
In childcare we talked about scary movies, aliens, rapists, kidnappings, and school shootings. When we heard the random whistling in the hall we flipped our flip. Even Ashley got scared :)
I just got the sudden urge to miss triton.
The charity concert was pretty amazing. John schmidts version of love story was perfect. I felt amazing all over. (Later I found out that he cried..)
I loved going to the park with Pablo and I really like him. He's the sweetest guy, nothing like Dylann.
I hope Mitchell's mom doesn't kill him in five different ways because of the ice cream spill.
I love mitchell more than anything. And if there was a school shooting, I would immediately call him.
Love. xxxx

Try not to think about the poodles.

I finally asked mitchell to sadies :) even though it was fairly lame, I feel quite accomplished. And I heard a little rumor that he's answering me on tuesday and it's something to look forward to most definitely :)
Me and Ashley Romero bonded over pearl harbor today :) and I almost cried when danny died :( The test was impossibly hard, but I don't mind because there is an extra credit opportunity tomorrow :0
Lunch made me feel amazing :) Random girl: 'I love the way you dress! So so much!' Random girl two: 'You're amazing for walking in those heels!' Hot English kid: 'You're effing tall today!' In my mind I substituted 'tall' with 'hott' ;) Overall I got quite a few compliments that made me feel good :)
Me and Mitchell want to grow up to be bus drivers ;)
Dear aviators, I enjoy flirting with you. And very much enjoy you flirting back. But there is no chance for you. I very much just like the attention. And I love being liked.
I hope baby is ok :( And I hope he didn't get his heart broken too hard. I'll be there for him though..
Drowsy Chaperone. O.M.G. AHHHH!!!! I love it!!!! I was in love with the gangsters immediately :) And I just wanted to give man in the chair a huge big hug because of his awkwardness :) And Aldolpho is my dream man ;) I just love this show :) Future self: You need to rent this movie or something, because it's pretty much a classic :) I love it!!!!
Today was pretty swell :)

'Antartica? Oh please!'
'Who are you? Who am I? And why is this cake on fire?'
'Are you surprised I've been married? you shouldn't make assumptions about people!'
"Live/leave while you can'
'Why are asians... so obsessed with caucasians?!"
I love the way Aldolpho says 'Whaaaat???'
'Love isn't lovely. It usually ends in divorce!'
Monkey monkey monkeeeey!

Turn around....

EVERY NOW AND THEN I FALL APAAAART! (Turn around!)
I feel that today was fairly perfect :)
I finally mastered the art of cornrows. They are tight. They are small. And they are mostly straight. Oh yes.
I can only pray that Danielle doesn't really have an std. Because I've gotten really attached to her and I know that it would break her heart. I want the best for her. This is why I'm waiting to have sex. This is why. Because I want kids and I want a family and I want to be healthy.
I observed the preschool today. And it was a teaching disaster. They were so unprepared and awkward. 'Kids. Color. and color and colorrrr.'
Leaving English early to go get my nails done. SO worth it :) Hott english kid had a headache. I just wanted to be like 'I'll make it better...' ;)
My nails look amazingggg. Even if the technician was awkward and unprofessional. I love the weight on my nails.
Senior freezout. DOOONATE!!!! (said while staring and shaking our milk jugs) Me and Mitchell were sbos for about half a second. And it felt wonderful. We made lots of moneyyy :) and stole balloons and stole the juniors thunder. 'Can I get your number for my friend?' 'I don't know you..' It's probably because of the rhinestone jacket ;)
Pasta party :)
'Maybe it's sweat from crapping so much.' Oh jessica, you are just too easy.

p.s.

Izzy Hilton is the most beautiful boy alive. And I wish I looked exactly like her.

Yes I swear, it's the truth. And I owe it all to you.

Dirty dancing almost makes me cry, but I smile like a goon while I watch it. Because it's a hint of cheesy, but easy to relate to. And I just want to say this one thing. I want need to find a guy like Patrick Swayze. Because I like fell in love with him while I was watching that movie. I want a guy that won't ever put me in the corner :) I just think life would be fun with a sexy  dancer :) ummm ballroom dancing lessons? Yes please.

I made a giant cupcake yesterday :) suck on thatttt.

'He needs a new collar.' 'Why?' 'It's hard to hug him with that one..' Awww so cute :)

Jammin got his first kiss. My little brothers all grown up now. And I don't like it :(

Hot english kid wanted to hang out yesterday :) :) :) buuuut no extensions so no dice. Sorry broha.

I don't really feel sick anymore and that's wonderful :)

Fake nails tomorrow? I hope so :)

I just watched the episode where j lost it to chuck. Seeing her cry and say the word 'regret' broke my heart. And if just seeing that on a tv show broke my heart, then who knows what I would do if it was to me. That's why I can't let that happen. I have to love them, it has to be special, and they have to love me. End of discussion.

I'm happy. And I'm glad I am where I am today.

In my mind we can conquer the world in love, you and i.

Today was a hard day. I cried on the way to school. I almost cried in gti. I kept losing it. Because I'm afraid of losing them.
'You seem like you'd be the popular girl at your school.' Oh no. But thank you Sydney :)
'Kercee you have a straight piece of hair! But don't worry, we're in cosmetology and we can fix this!'
I think Cali knows when I just need to hear that I'm doing a good job, even if I'm not. I like her that way.
Sometimes in a week that goes like shite, you just need that one thing to lift you up. Winning the cosmetology contest and then being given hot cheetos was it.
Drake and his silly traditions. 'Hey animal. It's me, party. Together I think we could make a great thing.' me: 'An animal party?' two seconds later.. 'Oh party animal!!!'
In history we watched youtube movies and I colored pictures on my phone. I don't know what I used to do in a boring class before I got an iPhone.
I want to get fake nails because they make me feel more confident and bitchier to other kids. And I like that feeling.
I want to say something inspirational, but my mind is too clogged to be bothered.
I want cafe rio so bad. That's a hint for YOU to bring it to me :)

But I found my strength in you.

I've been waiting my whole life for a someone like you to go and steal my heart.

Life is confusing. And I'm constantly questioning things in life. Like the definition of a friend and a definition of hope and the definition of love. I'm only 17. How am I supposed to know all of this already? But what if I die tomorrow and I never knew? So I continue to stress myself out trying to worry about it all. I just want to know everything. I think it has to be more complicated than it is. There has to be more. And if it isn't, then I'm highly disappointed. I need to know. I tried to talk to brother sullivan and all he said is that I'll find the right thing to say because I have before, but I don't think that I will. I'm not strong enough for this one. But everyone expects me to be.
I'm tired of seminary council. I'm over being judged in every single direction. And it's not even worth it because none of these people are my honest to goodness friends. They haven't been there for me even one single time that I've cried.They've never wiped my tears or listened to what is going on in my life. They. Are. Not. There. Not for me, and definitely not for the kids we're trying to 'rescue' Seminary kids judge me for not being perfect. Nonmembers judge me for being a 'goodie good.' and the seminary council wonders why I was even called. I even judge myself now. Why was I fucking called to this? I just want to quit and let everyone know that it wasn't because I was pregnant or anything else that they'll think up, but it's because of their ignorance. I'm starting to understand what Triton said last year about ignorance. And I'm starting to fully agree.
Sarah, don't listen to Brian. You look AMAZING with your short hair and not every girl looks good with long hair 'Like Adri's' I would love to get away with your hair style because honestly, this hair is killing me.
'I used to be the ugly girl in jr high' 'Don't say that about yourself.' 'It's true though.' 'It doesn't matter, you don't say that about yourself.' Thanks Nik. You honestly have no idea how much that actually hit me. I shouldn't talk about myself that way. Or it just gives other people permission to do the same.
Seeing Emily faint at the swim meet was terrifying. It was this moment where everything froze. I couldn't move and I couldn't even think. I could only hear Fred screaming at Mitchell and him saying his eardrum is broken. I saw her floating in the water. And I'm never going to forget the delicacy of her body in that water. And seeing how fragile a life can be. It made me scared. It made me hope. And it made me believe.
I'm grateful for the swim team being exactly who they are.
When a guy asks for your number and you're wearing sweats, you know you're good.
Me and Mitchell had an amazing talk today and he's helping me decide. Even he thought that I was honestly completely in real true love with Triton. A boy who's lips never even touched mine. I think I was too.
'Mitchell is so gay gay gay!' 'Adri is whore bag!' -Sung to an obnoxious tune-


'I just want to know if they would wear yellow for me.'

I'm just so done with everything.

Dear Taya,
you don't know this. But I love you enough that I pray for you almost every night. That you'll find yourself and find what makes you happy. I admire your confidence so much. I wish I could just yell to the world that I like myself and that I think I'm beautiful the way that you do. I wish I could love my curves the way you do and I wish I could leave the house to see that one hott guy without my extensions in. I hope you know that you are my best friend, and you're on all the family trees that I've had to write and or draw this year. You'll always be on my family tree. No matter what, no matter how far, no matter what trouble you get in. You're my big sister and I'll love you without limits for eternity.
Please don't let us go.
xxxxx
j.

Baby I'm a put on a show kind of girl.

The gossip girl where j. almost loses her virginity still almost brings me to tears.
'I want to find a guy that will defend me like Patrick Swayze in dirty dancing.' this episode makes me think about love way too much.
Today in preschool, I realized something. I want those kids to look up to me and think that I'm so cool that they want to grow up and be just like me. But that means I have to actually start living that way too.
Triton still gives me the best advice. I knew he would answer the phone. And I knew he would help me define love.
I love telling Meagan everything that we should do to her hair ;) the new girl in cosmetology told me that I was pretty and I look like a barbie. God bless that girl.
If seminary council is making members feel unwelcome, there really is a bigger problem than I thought. We're the worst council to go down in history.

I like to think that when something reminds me of you- a song, someone's cologne, a certain place- it means that you are somewhere being reminded of me, and for that moment we are together again.