It feels like a romantic movie when it's raining.

Have you ever wondered about how two hands can fit so perfectly? Every line, every bone, every small detail flawlessly matched, mirrored. I have. I wonder everyday how holding your hand would make me feel complete almost, feel the love I need to feel. I don’t think you’ve noticed, but when we walk down the streets I would secretly sneak my hand next to yours, so they can accidentally meet as we speak. And I would always hope that you would take it and hold it in yours, so that we could see life hand in hand. And then you did. You held my hand in the softest of ways, our fingers clinging gently to each other’s heart. We were growing happiness between our thumbs as our skin lines came together like jigsaw pieces. You looked at me and smiled with that crooked smile of yours that gives me so many butterflies. I smiled back and put my head on to your shoulder. Have you ever wondered why love happens? I have. Everyday. And why you ended it.

Warning: i like to string words together often for no other reason than because they sound pretty.

Mention love and suddenly everyone starts thinking, really thinking about who they are, what they are, and what others think they are. It almost seems like love is a force that defines us, constructs the insides of our bodies. It is the bone muscle and marrow inside our body. Maybe love isn’t just an emotion. Maybe it isn’t a product of the media. Or just a chemical inside our body. Maybe love isn’t needing someone, but just wanting someone. Because we cannot choose what we need, but with want we have a choice. But do we choose who we will love or is that foreordained? Love is a tug on your insides giving you the weak in the knees feeling. Maybe love is the drive, the motivation, the want, the want to be wanted, the want, the want, the want.

To just be close with someone in every way, to wrap yourself in their thoughts, words, mistakes even, and just fall asleep.

I’ve been asking everyone what it means, but maybe it’s because I’ve been avoiding what it means to me. Because I think it’s different for everyone. And I’m scared to find out what love is. Because then if I don’t find it, I’ll know exactly what I’m missing. But even if nobody defined love, if it was never listed in the dictionary, it would still be. It’s eternal. Maybe it even changes with us. Evolves and grows as we do. Maybe it even dies sometimes. Maybe it’s unfound, just burrowed inside us. But still there just waiting for us to be ready.

I’m grateful for when you listen to me, truly listen and help me think about life even the bits and pieces I don’t want to think about. This is dedicated to you because even if you didn’t, you wrote these words for me. Good thing I got to know behind the gauges.

Sometimes on the way to what's supposed to happen, something even better happens.

Because you need to hear it again.

Colton James Dixon. I'm going to try not to get too cheesy on you. But don't count on it.
You've changed my life, Dixon. I wish I could tell you every single time that you've helped me get through something, but there are way too many times to count. I think about you way too much, but cry for you even more. It's so hard not having you here with me. I'm not as strong when you aren't with me, in such a drastic way that everyone notices. You're the one that taught me how to say whatever the hell I wanted to say, but I'm already starting to forget how. We both know that I could go on for hours about how good looking you are, but we also both know that isn't what you need to hear. You need to be told that you're personality is good looking too. And I think it is. Even when you aren't all messed up. To be honest, you've broken my heart more than any other guy in the world. But that's because there have been so many instances when you've almost not been in my life. I can still see you're stupid orange car leaving for California. It's still perfectly in my mind. And it still makes my heart sink. Not having you here to hold my hand doesn't sound like it should be hard, but when it comes down to it, I hate it more than you know. Sometimes you were the only thing that kept me from falling. And you still are, but it can't be in the same way that it was before. You're my best friend. And I know that doesn't sound like very much, but you know that it is. I wish I could write things like the way you do, but I honestly just don't know how to do that. But I wish I did. And I wish that I could help you as much as you help me daily. You're the one guy that doesn't mind when I call at three in the morning crying because I had a bad dream or because I got in a fight with someone. You make so many sacrifices for me, and I just sit here selfishly taking it all in. But I promise you that not a single minute goes by that I'm not grateful for what you do. Every single night when I get on my knees to pray you're the first thing I thank god for. I pray for you. Every single night. I would do anything for you. As long as it made you happy. Because sometimes you're smile is the only thing that makes this world keep spinning and my heart keep beating. I brag about you shamelessly to anyone that will listen. You're the person I text most, the person I waste the most minutes on. But with you it isn't wasting them, it's rejuvenating myself. If we hadn't have been friends, do you know where I would be? I don't even want to think about it because I know I wouldn't even be close to who I am today. And you're right, some people might say it was a turn for the worse, but they don't even know. They don't know that without you I was completely unhappy and that my smile was nothing but fake. That without you here to teach me I just believed what everyone told me. And worst of all that I judged people. Just by the way they looked. I don't know why you chose to be my friend, but I'm forever eternally thankful that you did. That you took me and helped to morph me into what I'm supposed to be. That you were able to help me form into what the world needs to be. Dixon, I want you to be in my life forever because I can't imagine not having a person in my life that annoys me so much. But also helps me to carry on. You're one of the only people that believe in me. Just that fact alone sets you apart from this earth. You are so much more extraordinary than you know and NOT just for the way your face looks. You're so smart in ways that I'm not at all. You know I'm not nearly as artistic are you are and that I would never in a million years get accepted at Berkeley like you. But I think it's because we're so different that makes us so perfect. I need you to stay in my life forever. Let me learn to make sacrifices that I've never made before. Let me learn to listen more than talk and hear the words that you don't even say. Dixon. Let me be the one. Let me take you by your hand and never let go. It doesn't matter if there are 4 or 40000 miles between us, I'm never going to let go of your hand. And you're right, you do have my heart. Please keep it safe. I swear to our god that I won't let you touch the ground. Not when you're soaring as high as you are. I can't even put into words how much I love you. But I do. And I'll never stop in a million years. I want to be there for you and I promise I will be. More than ever before. I'll fly to see you next time. I'm never going to let you down. And I'll never stop believing in your words. I know it sounds like I don't believe you, but I know that deep in the back of my mind I do. I do. I love you more than every single fucking star in this sky. More than every grain of sand on this earth. And more than you can ever love me back. Xxxx, Adri.

I'll never get tired of hearing your voice.

Babydoll, eat your heart out.

I cannot believe it. I cannot believe Drake would actually text yell at me! Like Woooooof! Hypocritical little beast! Back me up. Write a blog just for me, hubby (have you ever realized that I'm married to too many people?) :) Because I basically do for you everyday of my freaking life! Thank you for staying up with me last night. For a stupid reason like that I felt lonely. Nobody can reach out through texts the way that you and Skye do. And you aren't pushy and shovey about stupid things like other stupid people. Don't forget everything that you promised me because I know that I never will. We need to have a huge reunion where all the coltons come back and monotone and kaylee. Everyone. Do you remember last year when I thought you were a matchy-matchy-tool? With the nikes and the skinny jeans and the matching hats and the nonstop MATCHING! YOU ARE A GIRL, DRAKE! A full on GIRL! And no you don't even have big boobs :) I can't believe you are letting so much of your life go undocumented! Come one, one long blog, please? Pleaseee?

Im going on strike. I'm not gonna blog untill you do, Drake. And it has to be a good one.

Baby, it's the way that you hold my hand in the car...

Triton is going to become famous so he can write a song with my name in it. He'll even become the president of the united states just so that he can write that song! Because everyone has a song with their name except for me!!! It doesn't matter that he also plans on having 'devil' in the title he's still gunna be famous for me.

Does Dixon's ring mean anything to you?

Yeah that he peed on me, mom.

1. Words of affirmation

2. Quality time

3. Physical touch

Are you single?

Yeah?

Turn around. Do you like my friend.

Errr...

Because between you and me he has a crush on you.

I heard he's a douche bag.

So I hear you think I'm a douche bag.

Yeah my friend went out with you.

Well I'm not.

Every guy says that.

I'm not like other guys here's my number.

Errrr.....

Let's talk about old men that are attractive, Thomas.

Clint Eastwood.

Old women?

Betty White?

BIG PEEKABOO. Peek a BOOOO.

Dixon. Lets prom.

I wasn't sure if you wore heels so I parked in the regular parking lot.

TYRA! TYRA! Grocery store dancing (L)

Skye sends the most amazing texts in the entire world that make me feel like the stars in the sky are glittering just for me. She makes me feel loved and I like that. No, I need that.

Baby, you're beautiful and there's nothing wrong with you.

I'm out of words. Drake you can yell-text me later and I'll try again. Sweetie, I love you? Hey, hey. HEY. Yeah, urm, well, I love you.

The girl with stars in her eyes and dreams in her heart.

After my history project I found out something... I'm pretty sure I'm in love with Steve Jobs. For more than just his money!

"Adri, darling, what are you up to?"

I'm doing a stupid effing poster for stupid effing history because my stupid effing partner is effing stupid!

"Wait! I think I need clarification. Is it effing stupid :)"

Stephen, Why won't you call me? I'm sitting here waiting. Why won't you call me?

I'll knit you a sweater :)

And Dixon is our love child from our winnebago days.

Triton is teaching me to speak in poetry because I need new words that make the world sound as beautiful as it is. He's going to help me evolve into something artistic like how I've always wanted to be. I need a thesaurus now. To be able to find the words my mind wants to be able to say. The beautiful kind that not everybody is using. I want to speak romantically and poetically, just in a way that people will remember. Because I don't want to be forgotten. I can't be. I don't want to miss anything. And I want to know what it feels like to be molded by time. Formed into what I'm supposed to be. I want to be touched by something special. I want to know what it feels like to be affected by love. I want to be altered by life. I need to know how it feels to live so that I don't miss anything. My list needs to get finished this time. This time I'm not letting any time run past me. I'll make the mistakes that I've always wanted to. I'm going to secure the sort of experiences that will make my kids view me with more respect. I need to open my eyes. I can't be blind to anything. Maybe I need to doubt things more. Or maybe that's what I'm already doing wrong. I need to have a conversation that makes things seem clearer. The kind of conversation that makes me question things because everything is so obvious. Something deep. I need my best friends here.

Just give me strength. Help me face the wind. Help me laugh as loud as I can. Help me not to care. Hold my hand. Take my heart. Release my insecurities about life. Help me to believe in everything that I already know. Wipe away my tears. Learn to read my emotions. Come find me?

Lets dance.

Don't you know who you are? You're my shooting star.

We sing, we dance, we bread.

I can't even think straight. I think it's a mixture between sleep deprivation and just being overwhelmed with life. I think I know why I felt the way that I felt though. I was just waiting for that defining moment. I know I could have just let it go to voicemail, but letting that happen wouldn't have been right. I needed to be there just to listen. We needed to cry together. But most of all we need to get through this. I know you think that I never look back to your letter, but I do almost every night. The folding lines are fuzzy and close to breaking through so each time I read it I have to be even more careful than the time before. And it still gets to me. My tears still come in the same places because I'm still not over the fact that you aren't here. And I even cry at some new parts because they aren't true anymore and they never will be. I want you to be here to watch me grow up. So you can see how many times I change my hair in a year and so you can see that my chest isn't emblazoned with hollister anymore. I want you to see what you've helped create. I'm trying so hard to get everything sorted out and to stop making the exact same mistakes. But you know me better than that. You know I still put people before me. You know that sometimes my smile is fake even though nobody else can tell. When you would look me in the eyes, I would feel it all the way down to my toes. I knew that nobody knew me more than you. But now I'm searching for something special. Not to replace you, not to push you aside, but to keep myself from crumbling. I know that this year is the year for learning what we are without each other. But I don't like what I'm finding at all. I'm weak. I'm a pushover. I let people alter my thinking. I’m not on top of the world anymore. But now I’m going to fight harder. I’m going to push back and make sure I get what I need out of life. I’ll keep my mind open, but always remember what I know is right. I’m going to be more like you. I know you think you aren’t a good example, mothers all around would agree, and sometimes I would. But no, that isn’t even close to being true. The mistakes that you make morphed you into the type of example that I’ve never know before. I’ve seen you struggle to walk against the current. And sometimes you get swept under, but do you have any idea how inspiring it was to see you fight to get back? You linger on the things you did wrong, but I look at how you make them right again. Because that’s what matters. That you know how to pick yourself back up, that you never give up, and that you never lose who you are. You’re my best friend. And I’m going to show this world who we are and what we’re made of. What hurts your heart hurts mine, what dwells in you mind never leaves mine, I’ll be right along side you as you struggle. When you fall, I’ll be there to catch you in the end. You’ll never touch that ground because you’re meant to fly, darling. Half my heart, wanna complete it?

My mind is swamped and it’s time to get it cleared. I need to figure out what I want. Then decide if it’s best for me. And I need to stop listening to the background noise of people’s opinions. It’s my life, so I’ll choose how it should be lived. And even if I do trip up, at least I’ll learn more about who I am. Who my real friends are and who aren't.

Word of advice: stop trying to make me mad, you’re just bugging me and looking slutty in the process. And you can stop lying to me too. Yeah that would be nice. Honesty, love and empathy are all I need.

Yeah, love you too.

I wish I could write inspiring things the way you do.

Dear God, please help me pass this test :|