Life would be looking just a little bit better if just one thing changed. Even just the smallest thing. I'm not even being picky. It could be something small. Like if my hair would just grow faster or my hips would just be the appropriate size. Or if it was easy to choose what to wear. Maybe if I could have my favorite jacket back. Or if I could have the approval of Mason and Karli. Even just my dad maybe saying 'I love you' without grumbling. Maybe if me and my best friends would stop fighting about unimportant things. Or if maybe my mom would offer to make me breakfast and lunch the way she does for my brother. Even the smallest thing like a stranger at the library asking me why I was crying would have been enough. I just need something to show me that there is love and hope in this world. I don't think that there is though. Because for too long I've felt an emptiness inside that just keeps growing as yet another thing goes wrong. Why can't I just have one thing that goes my way? I'm always getting blamed for everything. If something wrong goes on in somebody's life why am I the first one to blame? Even if I'm not part of the situation at all. I'm so close to just giving up on life. Because I don't believe anymore. I don't see this getting better or me getting any happier. No small thing is going to change for my favor and nothing big will either. I don't even dream anymore because what's even the use? Nothing will change. Everything being perfect is reserved for perfect people and even I know that I'll never be anywhere close to that. I'm always going to be the girl that makes people uncomfortable. I'm never going to be accepted by perfect families and they'll never stop making fun of you because of me. I'm never going to be that girl.
I just need a miracle. Not even one for me, but I need it for someone amazing. A miracle for Mike. That he can be cancer free and that he won't faint anymore. A miracle for Dixon. That he can live life without dependency and without regrets. A miracle for Mitchell and Drake. That they can overcome lost loves and find someone better. A miracle for Taya. That she'll find out what true happiness is. A miracle for Triton. That all of his big dreams will come true. A miracle for Robbin. That she'll never lose her hope. A miracle for Terance. That he'll be accepted and be able to share what he has. A miracle. A miracle. A miracle.
I'm done.
I just keep losing more hope every passing second. And nothing will happen to fix it.
On a lazy Sunday afternoon in early December of 2006, my life changed more than I would have ever expected. I was thirteen, but even then I knew that from the moment someone is born their days are numbered. I used to like to read the obituaries because they talked about how happy and fulfilled the lives were of the older people who passed. Once in a while I’d read about the people whose lives were cut short, their lives were never as fulfilled and they never passed peacefully. I never knew that because of the events on that December afternoon I would soon see a loved one in them. My dad had stayed home sick from work, he always worked Sundays, so my mom decided to make a big pot roast dinner. The house smelled so delicious and cozy. Since my dad was sleeping off the flu my mom had asked me to walk our dog, Nala. I was not looking forward to it, so I made it a short walk. The minute I opened the door I heard my mom scream my name, more shrill and panicked than anything I’d ever heard, I still feel the way it shook me to the bones when I think about it. I ran down the stairs and into the room where the scream came from. My mom was frantically giving my dad CPR, and I jumped into emergency mode and helped her. As I plugged my dad’s nose and opened his mouth I could feel the coldness of death gently caressing his nose and cheekbones, but his forehead was still clammy. I don’t want to get too deep into the rest of the details but after I took my younger siblings to the neighbor’s house because I didn’t want them to see anything I walked back in and the chief of police simply said, “we’ve terminated our efforts.” Those words will stick with me for the rest of my existence. It has been a long 4 ½ years since that day, and I can’t say it’s been easy but after the long and sometimes rough road I’ve gotten my life back together. I had my trials and my errors and it’s been a long journey but I turned out okay. I’m not destroyed or broken, I am strong and feel on top of the world. After everything that’s happened, I feel like I can accomplish anything.
ReplyDelete^That's the first paragraph of an essay I had to write for my Humanities class, it's a true story. Adri, I know you want to just give up, and I have before - I used to be a cutter and even suicidal, but after the hard times you look back and can see how much they made you grow as a person. I wish every day that my dad didn't pass away, but he did and from it I've gained a maturity and insight that most people my age don't have. I don't want to see you in the obituaries until I'm an old woman, and you are too. I'm here if you need someone to talk to.
As for that act of kindness and love, create one. I was in Wal-mart once and in a bit of a hurry but I saw an elderly man trying to carry a large box and push his wife who was in a wheelchair balancing some groceries. I stopped and set down everything I was holding and asked if I could help, and I did. The man told me that very few people nowadays will take the time to help others and it brightened his week and gave him hope that I did that small act of kindness. Hope was restored in myself because I knew that I had restored the hope in someone else and that's what matters. Look for opportunities where you can help people, give a compliment to someone who looks down, help an elderly couple with their groceries, walk kids across a busy street; anything. Believe me, you will feel much better afterwards.
I'll see you in ECE, and your happiness - fake or not - makes my overall impression of the class a lot brighter. So cheer up, kiddo. Life gets better :)
-Kira