I want you to know with everything, I won't let this go.

'Adri I need to tell you that I'm sorry. Because I am. I know that sounds childish and like it doesn't mean anything. But I swear to god it does. I was a complete asshole and I didn't have any right and I know that now. I know you were just trying to help me and to save my life. And you have. You're the reason that I'm sober right now and you're the reason that Terance is checking me into rehab tomorrow. I didn't mean any of that shit that I told you that day. I was way out of line and none of that was true. Any other person would have completely given up on me after I said all that shit, but you didn't. You still called me everyday. And I listened to all the voicemails even though I'm sure you think I didn't. I was mad at you, but I still loved you and missed you. I listened to you talk about your life and I listened when you cried. I'm sorry I was the bad friend that never called you back. But I told god to take care of you and I think he did for the most part. I think he loves me. You know that? Because he thought I was privileged enough to know somebody like you. Fuck. I found that letter I gave you last year for graduation and I still mean that shit. I do even though I don't act like it anymore. I'm going to be a better person from now on though. You don't even know how fucking hard it is though. I just want to fucking give in because it makes it better and I know if there was a 'meth day' it would have answered my call when she didn't. Why does she hate me, adri? That's what I want to know. What the hell did I do that makes her hate me and why didn't I get the fucking chance that I deserve? I just want to feel love. And I feel that when I'm high. I feel everything when I'm high. I want to just feel that all the time. I don't deserve it, but I want your friendship still. I love you even though it seemed like I didn't. I always did. Just like how I promised I would. I need you to help me. Will you be my supporter again?'

Dixon, you've always been my best friend. Before I even met you, we were best friends. My entire life I was looking for somebody exactly like you. With your faults and with your perfections. I'll never walk away from you. I've been waiting for you the entire time. I never doubted you, and I still don't. You're so much stronger than this. And I know you want to just feel love, but sweetie, I've been here the whole time ready to show that to you. And I still am. I want us to teach each other what love is. I know we can do this. You're so much stronger than you think you are. One day, when you're uncle Dixon and I have the most amazing family in the world, we'll look back on this and we'll be proud of ourselves. Lets make it through this again. I know we can do it if we do it together. You're my best friend. I love you with all my heart and I'll never stop, I promise. Love, Adri xxxx

Tell them what I hoped would be impossible

Drake: (mood: blubbering) 'Skye called me saying she was sorry. I really love her, Adri..'

Me: 'Hold on' (hangs up) Texts Skye 'Your worst nightmare has happened'

Skye: 'What are you talking about?'

Me: 'Drakes in love with me now'

(no reply)

Twenty minutes later...

Drake: 'Adri, you're a bitch :)'

I love you :) Isn't it fun being in love with me?! ;)

I got a message that made my heart bounce... it deserves it's own post though :)

Hold on :)

This love was accidental.

Talking to Terance makes me feel like I'm home.

'Monday night is halo night.

Whoa! Do you watch the big bang theory?!

No?

Terance do you want to get married?

But monday night is halo night. It's like I'm talking to a wall here.'

I love you, babycakes.

'Hello my doodlebug!

What up, moon pie?'

Just on a side note.

"There once was a boy and a girl. They grew up together. They loved each other like a brother and a sister. They spent every moment together, and when they got older they became lovers. Their feelings and their hearts became so intertwined that they could no longer distinguish their individual needs. Then, for a reason we may never know, one of these young people began to hurt. She hurt so badly that she didn't want to live. And she turned to the only person she trusted. He tried to help. He tried to stop her. But at the same time, he could feel her pain as if it were his own. And in end, he couldn't stop her. He was a failure. He even went so far as to walk away. The problem was, Emily couldn't kill herself. She begged him, she pleaded, she cried, she put her hand over his on the gun. She was such a part of him and he was such a part of her, that she couldn't even complete this final act by herself."

This just may be my second favorite book.

To my friends, the whores, and the backstabbers of Orem

My dearest Drakey Poo, you can do way better than this. And you honestly deserve way better than that. You're such an amazing guy and sincerely one of the bestest friends that I have ever had. I know you're heart is broken and you don't think you'll ever move on or find anyone else, but come on... I mean, sweetie, you look like mothertrucking Justin Bieber! You will find somebody else, and she will be one hot mama ;) And you know girls will be all over you again once they discover that you two are over (time to change the facebook status, love) remember how you walked into that high school and instantly became the coolest thing since canned tuna? Well.. now the coolest thing since canned tuna is available and it is time to jump on that! I'm not going to lie, I don't have very good advice to offer except to move on, but I do have a firm knowledge that you will be ok. You're a good looking, talented, nice, smartish young man! Not to mention popular :) and you do have that job thing going for you now... ;) You can make it through this trying time! You just need to take a little gander and see all that you have to offer. Because it doesn't matter how many times I tell you, you have to figure it out for yourself! So get up, wash your hair, put on some pants, and hit on some girls at work! Good golly, you're the biggest flirt in history, we can not just have you lollygagging about like this! Now be the man that I know you are! I love you, baby :)

Skye. You are a whore. What you did is unforgivable. I will admit that I admire you're image, but that is where the admiration ends. You broke his heart you know that. And you did it in the least classy way possible. Are you aware that he loved you? I know that you are. So what you did was completely unacceptable given the knowledge that you had and the fact that your relationship status on myspace said happily taken. You can not even imagine all the respect that I lost for you. He took you in while you were at your lowest and then you do this to him?! Are you kidding me?? You were a LOSER and he still loved you. All of his friends made fun of him for holding your hand, but did that make him stop? NO! I can't even stand you. You're nothing but a heartbreaking slut. Go suck a big one, skank. Oh wait thats what you did to make me hate you.

Mike. I don't hate you. Lets start it out that way. But I am extremely disappointed in you. For more than just what you did with Skye. But also for the fact that you were on ecstasy! What were you thinking? Sure it was laced in your drink, but why were you even drinking?! Or at the very least guarding your drink? You know I don't agree with all the damage that you are doing to your body. How do you expect to make varsity if you don't even take care of yourself? Now back on subject. Bros before hoes. I swear I've heard you say that over a million times. Why did you overlook that, sweetie? You're his best friend. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Because I know it did to him. And you let a little slut come between you guys? How would you like walking into a room and finding your girlfriend getting down with your best friend?! Mike, it's time for you to look at yourself and see if you even like who you are. And I hope you're grateful for the forgiving arm that Drake extended to you. Personally I don't think that you truly deserved it quite yet, You need to give a better apology than you did. Start acting like the 'bro' that you claim you are.

Orem: work your deal out. no drugs. no drinking. girlfriends, stay faithful. best friends, actually act like it.

The end.

It's time to face the truth, I will never be with you.

I don't know why I'm so sad right now. Except that all I wish is that I had Dixon to talk to. More than just his answering machine listening to me. I'm falling apart, Dixon. And the sad part is is that I have no idea why. I shouldn't feel like this. I had a good day and nothing is going extremely wrong, but I miss you so much. I miss the way your voice sounded late at night and the way you would always comfort me through my tears. I miss the way you would talk me out of my stupid ideas and how you always made me laugh. Maybe you're right, maybe I was pushing you too hard to do something that you didn't want to. And I regret that so much. Because I just want you here with me. Come back.

I know she's going through a hard time, but aren't we all and we don't use that as an excuse to treat everyone else like they're less than them. So why are you defending her actions and giving her permission to carry on. What she needs isn't love, what she needs is a nice smack in the face from reality. I'm so sick of all this, I need to find a new ward to be in.

Yesterday I had one of the most amazing talks in my life. In a swimming pool. I don't know why, but it meant so much to me and I'm not going to forget it anytime soon. I'm glad I'm not the only creep that thinks about that.

Breaking Target with a rubber ball. "You guys where are you going? What is that? Where does it...oh my god" Dylann :)

Change from the tip jar for gas.

The kids at castle park that had a knife :| we sure told their mom ;) getting super sick on the tire swing :)

Lemons and hot sauce at del taco. "Are you gonna clean my tables?!" No, we're just going to run away and jump in the car as if someone was chasing us :)

Fun at albertsons :)

I'm so grateful for everything that I haven't screwed up

When in darkness, men see stars.

Sunday.

I hate how they always choose a song for the youth to sing that I have never heard before. That's my fave. I personally believe they should have ended with matt's talk, not scots because if anyone was really truly listening then they know that it was matts that truly came from the heart. I could feel his words and they really meant something. They weren't just some shallow words that sounded good together, they were real. And I'm grateful that I got to hear them...

I hate sunday school. I hate it I hate it I hate it. And I believe that Jasmin is a self centered bitch (sorry, it had to be said.) that needs to grow up and learn some manners. Seriously? Are you that petty that you had to leave the room when she started to speak? Sure, I don't like her much either, but at least I have some tolerance and respect for her. God chose her to lead us for a reason. Maybe we don't know what that is yet, but that just gives us all the more reason to wait and find out. Obviously, you have little faith in god if you can't respect and trust his decision to bring her into this calling. You make me sick. I so badly want to come and talk to you, but I know I would end up yelling and my mouth would be cluttered with profanity because you disgust me so much. I hope your parents are aware of how much they screwed up when they were raising you. They have no reason to be proud.

I can't stop thinking about her. And I didn't know why. Then I saw the status. Two months. It feels so much longer than that, but at the same time, not that long ago at all. When I came into contact with anything related to her, I felt a spark. Reminding me that she was real and not just someone that I dream about all the time. Seeing that me and her had the same sweater at one point made it real, that she was a normal person like me who liked to shop at normal places. When her math book was returned and I was taking it to the back room, I had to look inside to see her name written down. To see her handwriting and to feel like I knew her more than I did. I know I didn't know her nearly as well as some other people did, but I do know her. And every time I passed her locker, I would always stare. And I so much wanted to write my goodbye on it too, but I was too afraid. Just like how I was too afraid to get to know her very well. She told me I was nice and that she liked me. That still haunts me sometimes. She told me not to bleach my hair, and I know that because of that I never will. I know I have no reason to be sad that she died, but I have every reason to be sad. Because I knew her, because I didn't know her. Because she was so young and it made me realized that god can take you at any time. That it doesn't matter how good or bad of a person you are you can still leave this world at any time. She made me want to be a better person because I want to be remembered the way that I know she'll always be remembered. I want to be honored the way she was and I want to make the kind of difference in lives the way that she did with so many. Kaitlyn, I need to say thank you. For changing me in ways that I know nobody else would ever have been able to. I know that everything will be ok for you now. I know that you'll always be happy and never feel pain again. And I know that one day I'll be able to see you again. I hope you dance.

Xxxxx

I don't give a damn because I'm doing this for myself.

Saturday.

Nothing extremely eventful.

Flirting in a non pioneer way.

Talking to Triton.

Maybe possibly having someone asking me on a 'court'

I don't know :)

Bare happy

It's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.

Friday.

"I'm on my way. Should I just go to this is the place?" Oh, we just started swimming...

And I just finished getting ready!

Great. I love watching people swim :| funnily enough it will be the second time this week.

Do you have tonja's keys? (long pause) no. What do I do with my stuff? (Long pause) you can put it in rose's car... Do you have her keys? (Long pause) no.. Can you go get them? (long pause) You can come with... Errrm no. (runs. stops running. runs again.) Come on beazy!

She creeps me the whole time.

At least Torbear saved me :)

"Sorry that mine and that's mine and that's mine.. but you can have string cheese." yeah after watching you eat, I don't think I can have food again for a long time. You mannerless beast. "I want chocolate. CHOCOLATE!" I want to beat your face in :) BEAT IT!

putting my stuff in the tent even though later it would be proven as unnecessary.

Sloppy joes :/

Free Icecream! I guess I use my tongue a lot and bite ;) Torbear is my saving grace :)

Alec. You can stop touching me...

Playing a game with the lady from hale center theater :) I lost :/ (I lost the game)

I want the red cowboy!!! And got the purple lady :( Becoming friends with Tori and meeting Josue :) blisters. Fires. Infection. Death. 70% death rate. But her testimony was amazing :)

Winning the stick game and getting to the top five of 7 11

Beazy that had dress and appearance. 'Ladies! Be quiet! Oh. and gentlemen!'

Playing button button who has the button :) I want one of those cool 'I don't like him' candles! Oh how the pioneers would court ;)

Learning the secret code of how to flirt :) why did the army man have to choose me though :| Creep!

Manners at the creepy hospital :)

Finally dinner!

Dance :) "play Ke$ha!!!" next song... wake up in the morning feeling like pdiddy :) :) :) woo hoo :) Alec you can seriously stop touching me! No I won't dance with you twice... Learning the virginia reel :) and that left left right right both both both thing :)

Tylers little brother freaking me out :)

Laughing because Josue's tent was flooded then finding mine getting blown away :|

Not doing anything while everyone else was doing it for me :) Not helping pack is a good thing

Last minute testimony meeting didn't do it for me. No closure.

'My friend Triton said..' YOU KNOW TRITON?! I love when the world is a small world :)

This is gonna be a beautiful friendship :) sorry for stealing him, Tori ;)

Getting home at midnight soaking wet and freezing :)

Imperfection is beauty.

Thursday.

Summer swim :) I would be such a pro swim coach if I actually knew what I was talking about :) but that is not likely to happen :) I bet I'll just watch the whole time :)

"Eric do it RIGHT! Oh... jayy kayy you're name is little isaac" :)

You will be my next meal! Fatty, that just made you my new hero for saying that :) ps, in your flower swimsuit, you looked like the entire garden...

Swim Team, you are my favorite :)

Shopping at target and finding a secret about Justin Banks :)

When love stops feeling right.

Wednesday.

I can only hope nothing important occurred because I honestly just don't remember.

I'll take off my clothes and it will be shameless, but everyone knows that's how you get famous

Tuesday.

Should we have a table or an orange couch?

Library :) getting followed home by a cop and thinking that I must have made a terrible driving mistake in the construction. Talking to Eric about favorite colors and exactly what they mean. Making my phone gross from such a long conversation!

Doing my makeup like 'Ke$ha' thanks for the flattery Drake :)

Getting my homecoming dress :) 'are you looking for a special occasion? -homecoming. oh congratulations!' errrm, it's june ma'm don't congratulate me yet..

Drake thinking he saw a 'bitchier version' of me that 'looked like Ke$ha' and left 'glitter everywhere' good thing I'm 'turning out nicely' ayyyhole! Yuurrra douche bag! Shoulda jumped on me ;)

TheTrashyLife.

Monday.

Lets just wake up early and wait for a million hours to get a ride to daybreak lake, but then just walk instead :) my hair takes a shorter amount of time to do than it does for katie to put her hair in a ponytail. Naked guitar photoshoot :)

'how are you?

wayyy good :)

haha why?

I'm masturbating!

(later)

I'm done now'

efff you Katie :)

Guys that honk while I adjust my boob and katie pulls her wedgie. Yehh we're real hott :)

Swimming but not really but kinda :)

I'm a food whore. No big deal. I used Katies guy more than she did! I wanted a milkshake...

Sneaking into the swimming pool :) then having a three year old climb on my lap :) Little kid sure does know what he wants ;) Oh, Rider :)

Pizza :) after spending too much time at zumiez getting retarded stickers!

Paranormal activity. How can it be real if there is an alternate ending? Not even scary. Woof. Well, maybe a little bit, but fourth kind was way worse and I survived that! Cuddling with katies guy that I can't remember his name's little sister :)

starting to watch sorority row again with jared. The terror of ringworm!

Then home :) I love the comfort of swimsuits :)

Maybe someday I'll let you be mine...

Sunday.

Sin shopping with my brother. Shh ;)

Going to Riverton expecting the weather to cooperate. No big deal, there was pretty much a tornado instead. The highlight of the whole process was when the swirl descended from god's eye :) but Eric kept me grounded through the whole thing :) SO much more entertaining than the mtv awards :)

So given my frightened state of mind lets just watch a scary movie... that will help the situation. Sorority row :| by the end I was too afraid to go to the bathroom because the icemaker scared me! We're so lame that we go to be before 12:34 maybe one day we'll be as cool as we used to be in eighth grade :)

Riverton shirt: STOLEN

So close your eyes and open your heart to the bliss

Saturday.

Seminary council day :) No big deal we all just got to be insanely close and will be friends forever :) I know it sounds stupid, but they already mean so much to me and I'm so grateful for them. I'm grateful for hiking up to ensign peak with heather and maryanne and even for when heather teared up as she was reading that sign. Swimmers find themselves to be extremely buoyant. I'm grateful for austin and his mad photography skills and how him and spencer always make me laugh. I'm grateful for bonding over technology with jessie and for the kristins amazing muffins! I'm grateful for discussing the wrestling rumors with nick and just how happy all of them make me :)

When we went to the park and we had to take gods will over the bridge :) little it's a boy will :)

when we had to cross the river and I felt like I was going to die on nicks back. But it was actually spencer that almost killed his passengers. Oh those magical boots :) everyone probably thought we were crazy talking about who's worn the boots and who hasn't even though none of us were wearing any shoes :)

When we went to the joseph smith building and took pictures everywhere. 'you guys sure are a handsome group' when austin fell asleep during the movie and flinched when I woke him up :) nick trying to subtly cry but oh we all saw :)

Brides were everywhere!

At the top of the observation deck we could see everything :) including all five million brides :)

pure bonding at maryannes house :)

Maybe I'll start getting up at four every day... no, nevermind :)

Shopping with my brother :)

Explanation.

Yes, I have been bad at blogging. I will admit. I will now take a few posts to recover from my recent laziness. Thank you.

Faveyy shoes

I've never learned so much from a ceremony before.

I'm so grateful for that. And especially for Mitchell.

I never though I would cry so much for something that I didn't think that mattered.

Tears for triton, crying for kim and xyra, bawling my eyes out when zak went through the tunnel.

Dear lord I'm so afraid of change. I love them all so much and I'll miss them all in the littlest ways.

Travis makes me and Mitchell laugh. T singing made us explode. The end made us cry.

We stole Mikey's food :)

i love today.

one more year. wow. xxxx

Stranded at the drivein :)

Put on the coat! Put on the coat! Put on the coat!

This whole week I've been feeling closure. The closure of my classes and the closure of friendships. There are so many people I know that were just highschool friends and I know that means they aren't super important anything but I'm still going to miss that.

To Triton who found me at the low point of my year and helped build me up in so many ways. I know I'll never forget you, but I know we won't really continue. Thank you for taking me by the arm and leading the way to new things. You made this year begin. I'm proud of all the work you did to graduate this year. I love you.

To Zakary who taught me so much and was a crying shoulder for me for a huge part of this year. Thank you for forgiving me. I hope that life takes you to amazing places. Remember the girl that you met at a region dance that smashed your cookie and made it so you might starve.

To Kimmy Bear who made me feel pretty at all times.

To Xyra who gives the greatest hugs and makes it possible for you to both laugh or cry.

To Eric who is teaching me spirituality.

To Maria and Tashia who helped me to dance.

To all the people who impacted my life that I'm never going to really see again. Thank you.

I made a new friend today that I feel very good about. Even when I first saw her I wanted to be her friend but now I have the chance. As lame as it sounds, I'm going to pray that it all works out because I think I could use a friend like her right now.

I'm so grateful for Mitchell. This week I've felt even closer to him and he's the most amazing friend that I have ever had or even that I could dream up. I love that everyone says awww when they hear that we've known eachother from kindergarten. We'll be friends forever too :)

He eats cookies just because I want them :)

Happy Birthday, Jammin. Don't get too old to me my best friend. I love you. You're gonna pass your test tomorrow with flying colors.

I want to discover discovery.

xxxxxx