I never thought that I could feel this free

I know I'm really crappy at blogging lately but ohwell :))
Thursday I babysat :) for the final time :)) Ziggy is going to Florida and I don't want to return as his nanny when he gets back. The money was amazing but working was too rough for me :) no more 'phooEEE!' No more 'ahhhhgua!' no more :)) but no more money either... at this point I would normally start complaining about how I want to get a job. But who really wants to get a job?! I just want money..
On Thursday Eric came and visited me at school :) then he decided to come to my english class and ms. aalen said it would be ok. So he sat down in an empty seat. The empty seat right next to where Nik sits. So I'm just like 'ehma.. this is going to be so awkward...' but it wasn't. They were way chill with each other and it was just like whatever. And when class was over Eric informed me that Nik has a goofy face. HE DOES NOT!!!! It was very silly of him to even say that! ;) After school we went to mcdonalds and then he had to leave so I could get ready for work :/
Yesterday was great :) fantastic really :) I went to seminary council and I don't even know why, but it was pretty fun :) I did a perm in cosmetology and we discovered that Jessica has wayy super stretchy skin :) and somehow Julie ended up telling me that if I went out with her son I could come boating with them :) But since caleb doesn't like boating, I'm gonna go after her nine year old son ;)
In seminary we kicked off march madness :) I'm so so sooo excited :)) and Eric wanted to do it with me :) I hope he makes it! But halfway through the lesson, I got called down to the office. So at first I was like oh my councilor wants to talk to me about graduation :) then they said it was to talk to the cop. So my next thought was that it was about Dylann and how he's constantly an ass to me, then I decided against that and thought it was about my car getting vandalized! (it was a pretty long walk...) But then when I got there he was like I'm sure you know what this is about so in my head I'm like 'yeah about my car getting trashed!!!!' but I just shook my head. and he was like 'it's about a stolen sweater' so I thought it was going to be about Kiya stealing my hollister jacket, then it dawned on me what he really meant. He was a way chill guy to me, so I just told him what happened. The only thing that freaked me out was that he had one of my facebook pictures printed. And not like one of my profile pictures either, one of my senior pictures... so they would have had to go through my tagged pictures to find it. Why did they print THAT one anyways??? I was crazy! But we just talked, and I'm glad he was a nice guy. He made me feel pretty comfortable :)
After school was amazing :))) Me and Eric went to iceberg and ultimately pigged out wayy too much and just had a lot of fun :) then we went and saw never say never :) and I totally fell in love with Justin Bieber :) :) :) he's so adorable :) and he made me want to have kids because he was such a cute kid :) even Eric admitted that it was a really good movie :) I was pretty surprised by how good it really was :) the 3D sucked, but other than that it was amazing :) then we went back to my house and we really did just sit and talk to my mom for like five hours. Well, I guess it was mostly just me talking, but they did sometimes too :) it was a good feeling :) yesterday was perfection :)
'Stop talking! you're supposed to be thinking about your fingers!' -aerobics sub :))

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars.

'Justin bieber knows all about love!!!
he's sixteen!
He was thirteen!'
I love cosmetology :) especially when me, jessica, and megan discuss justin bieber and his knowledge of love ;) 'You like twilight? You're so lame. ...Did you hear about Justin Bieber??' I love them :)) they just make me so happy :) Kercee was gone though :( I hope she isn't sick!
Today I left my keys in cosmetology :| and I was not very happy about it. Not at all.
I got my sweethearts pictures today :) they're alright. I look hefty in one and my dress looks crazy in the other. Woof.
I have to babysit again tonight. Yesterday was terrible. Pleeeease let it be good! At least she pays me amazingly well :)) I like having money wayy wayyy too much :)

Happy birthday, sweetie. You're the best friend that I've ever had <3 I hope you have an amazing day. It made me smile that you still have the card I gave you all those years ago. Good lord it seems like forever ago. You're getting to be way to old. I'll always love you.
[it's ok not to be ok]
xxxxxx

'That's the price you've gotta pay to get sleazy, my friend.'

Overcoming my illness :)
Ke$ha <3

I know it has been a very long time, but it's hard to get the energy to blog when you have the flu! That's right, the flu has infected my body. It started on tuesday in cosmetology. I'd been given a client. And I was doing pretty good until all the sudden I just started blacking out and getting super dizzy. So I put down my shears and try to act like nothing is wrong. Then I go and cry (not literally, but almost) like a little baby to Julie. She went and finished up the haircut for me, but I was still expected to blowdry and flatiron the woman's hair. It was hell. And at this point all I wanted to do was go home, but I wanted to stay and speak at the lunch side like I had promised I would. So I went to seminary and I let brother sullivan know that I was having a pretty hard time. Then Eric came and surprised me with this gorgeous bouquet of sunflowers :) I swear he just knew I was having an awful day and needed something cheery :) but so then the lunch side thing started and they had Thane speak first and he did really good :) I was so proud of him :) I'm really thankful that I asked him to speak. Then I went to speak. And I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to because I didn't feel well, but I felt fine the whole time. I don't really remember anything that I said, but I'm really glad that I spoke because everyone told me that I did really well. I hope I did. But after I spoke I just couldn't take it anymore, so I went home. I felt like jizzzzz! But that didn't stop me from having to babysit ziggy. But luckily I have the best mom in the world and she stayed and helped me the entire night :) :) :) when I got home, I was just ready to shoot myself though. I really wanted to go to school the next day though, because we had this thing due in English (which they didn't even do...) and I wanted to talk to Nik and see if he was ok. I still feel like a dick when I think about that. I don't think I ever blogged about that though. But on valentines day I texted him and told him what we had done in English that day. And I told him that he better have done something special for his girlfriend. He then informed me that she had broken up with him. The day before. I'm an asshole.

Anyyyyways, I didn't make it to school the next day. Because at this time the flu had now completely taken over my body! I took like a thousand baths, but it did no good! This gave me way to much time to examine my body and well I'm pretty sure that my left side is significantly smaller than my right!!! Except my boobs, they're luckily the same. Either way though, I'm a freak!!! That's seriously all I can really say about wednesday. I couldn't do anything, because everything hurt. Thursday was a little better. I watched back to the future because I was feeling a little nerdy. But that's all. I then went back to feeling like shit. I couldn't eat, my fever wouldn't leave me alone, and everyone was too afraid to catch my disease to visit me. Then that night, just to put the icing on the cake of a terrible day, someone wrote all over my car windows. Like a child. I don't even know what it really said though because my mom was sweet enough to clean it off for me. She's so good to me :) I love her. And I love Kercee :) It was so cute :) every morning I woke up to a text from her telling me that she loves me :) and I love her :) :)

Friday. I have mixed feelings about friday. All day I was trying my very hardest to get better, and I did get a lot lot loooot better, but not as much as I would have liked. Taya was going to go to Ke$ha with us, but she got sick too and decided she would be too miserable :( So I invited Eric instead and I'm way glad he came. Because all night I was having trouble even standing and he let me lean on him and because I had a wayy bad craving for french fries and he brought me some :) It was amazing though. Ke$ha is beautiful. She's crazy! My favorite was grow a pear when an actual pear was on the stage :) there were some pretty trashy girls there. One was seriously just wearing lingerie. I thought I was cold outside standing in line, I couldn't imagine being her! There were gay guys everywhere too. There was one that was such a dick though... he full on yelled at the girl that was standing in front of me. I don't know what it is about gay guys, but why do they always feel the need to say 'hunny' when they're yelling at someone? Bugs me so hardcore... Back on topic though. I feel like we got pretty close to the stage :) not like insanely close, but pretty close. But I got really sick with all the jumping and grinding everyone was doing. And someone threw alcohol all over and it got on me. And there was glitter everywhere. That pretty much sums up the night I guess. We spent an hour just trying to get out of the parking lot. But Eric got sick by the time we got home :| hopefully he just got a cold and not the full on flu that I had...

Yesterday I was feeling even a little more better, but still not one hundred percent. And I had to watch Ziggy again. But this time, we didn't just stay at his house. We went to a baby shower for one of my Aunts (or is she a cousin? I really have no idea) it was fun though. And I discovered that this girl Mariah is in my family now. I'm pretty sure she went to junior high with me. And that she's a beazy. I guess she just showed up at my aunts house and told her that her husband was her dad (my aunts husband, not Mariah's) I would be pissed if that ever happened to me. But Ziggy was a pretty good kid the whole time, but then we had to go back to his house. Luckily he was super tired from not having a nap so he slept the whole time :) :) :) so I just got to sit and read :) and Pocahontas even came home early because she wasn't feeling well. That's not happy for her, but it was absolutely fantastic for me because it took two hours away :) on the way home I saw a massive accident on the freeway and it freaked me out like crazy. The roads were pretty bad, so it's just one more reason why I'm happy she came home early. So they couldn't get any worse. 

Today I'm feeling a little bit better :) It's mostly just down to a bad cough and blowing my nose a ton. I still can't eat very much though. I've lost a ton of weight. Seriously at least three or four pounds. And my mom advised me to try to keep it off. She told me this sickness was a gift. I can see where she's coming from and I really am going to try. I hope it's easy.

I've been so lazy today :) all I've done is read and rest. I'm reading nineteen minutes again because I'm obviously pretty much unable to do anything still. It's not as amazing as I remember it being. Maybe I just can't relate to it in the same way that I used to. Or maybe it's because I can relate to it a little too much now.

I never really blogged about sweethearts. It was alright. I felt so bad for Robin all night because of her crappy date. I felt like my dress wasn't enough. Tina's was insanely over the top making me feel even more underdressed. I got to change my earrings for the first time though. Well Eric did it for me because my nails were too long, but still. My date was just so quiet and so shy. He was alright though. At least he wasn't a douche to me. I'm really glad that Ben got to finally to to sweethearts even if it was a little late :)

I hope I get better before tuesday! I'm starting to actually miss school... or at least the people there.

xxxx

Belated.

Actually it was my blogs birthday last tuesday, but I've been too busy DYING to be able to post that :( and I was super bummed about it because I've been looking forward to posting that picture for like a year! Then I was too sick. Better late than never though.

I know that to live you must first give your life away

Valentines day is great :) I don't understand why people hate it! It's a day of love what's not to like?! Eric was absolutely the sweetest thing to me :) in the middle of English, he brought me flowers :) and one of those edible arrangement things :) it was so cute :) and as soon as he left everyone was telling me about how expensive those things are so I felt horrible :| but then he told me there was a surprise in the bottom :) so I started eating fruit like crazy and had the people around me eat some too :) and at the bottom was one of his shirts :) and not just any shirt :) the shirt that he wore to the carnival when we first hung out :) it was so so soooo cute :) :) :) and then (it gets better) I found out that he MADE the edible arrangement! He didn't just buy it! He spent all day making it instead! :) That was the most adorable thing ever :) and the roses were red and yellow :) That means love and friendship :) I bet he wasn't aware of that though :) it was adorable though! It just made everything so much happier! I feel like I didn't do enough for him though! And Mrs. Aalen told that I should go surprise him at work wearing his shirt :) maybe another time but we did hang out :) and we just went and got cafe rio :) and I thanked him bunches for my flowers :)

I taught in preschool today, but it was really nothing special :)  

I just wanna go to the library and check a cute book out or something!

And the hardest part is letting go.

You see, the thing is, is that I really don't know who I am. I know what I want to be, but that doesn't mean that's who I am. And even when I say what I want to be, I'm almost lying to myself. In all honesty, I do want to be what I say I want to be, but then when I'm all alone and thinking about it, I always add that I want to be famous. It's childish, it's stupid, and completely out of reach, but I think when I look deep deeply into my heart, that's what I find. I find the girl that still dreams of being a princess, of having a horse that can stay in my room, and owning a bubble gum pink car. And of course growing up to be a girl that everyone knows about, a girl who's name is known completely world wide. That's not who I am though. I'm the girl that doubts in almost everything, because that's what I've taught myself to do. Because at one naive point in my life, I believed in everything. I believed in love, love at first sight even. I believed that world were supposed to spin when you were kissed and that relationships could only go uphill. I believed that school was easy and it always would be. That my friends would always be by my side and never trade me up for popularity. I believed that people would always like me for who I am, not hate me for it. I believed that I was pretty even though I honestly wasn't. I believed that the world was good. That everything would be ok as long as I was a good person. I foolishly believed that life could be easy and that dreams were easy to reach. That's not true though. Now I can see that everything that is worth anything is something that has to be worked for. That stuff that doesn't come naturally will eventually. You'll always be bad at something until your good at it. It will always be hard until it's easy.
It's hard right now. Everything is changing. But soon even that will change and be easy. This time last year, everything was different. There was Triton, and my hopeless 'love' and need for him. We always said that we were a triangle, that if one of us moved even a little, the other would fall. But he graduated and moved on. I didn't fall though. Not completely. I was a little moved, and definitely had a ton of my strength taken away. But I was ok. And I had a best friend, the best of the best I thought. But he so easily left me and so easily didn't even care about me that I knew it wasn't real. He cared more about himself than I thought was possible. Last year, I was looking for love in all the wrong people and places. I'm trying my best to look in the right places now, but it's hard. I go to seminary, but I feel like only a few people want me there. I try to be nice to people, but they like the people that are rude to them. I'm trying to feel close to god, but sometimes I feel like he's gone. Like he's too busy blessing the lives of people like the eyre's to even bother with even being in mine. All I want is for my feet to get better, but they keep getting worse. I don't think that they're ever going to get better. It's not worth it anymore. I don't know how to get from point a to point b. I see where I am and where I want to go, but I can't figure out how to get there. I don't know how to make that transition. Or if I'll ever even be able to. I'm ready to just give up. I guess I wouldn't mind staying where I am right now forever. But I don't even know how to do that either. I wish it was just easy. It's not though. And I don't have a triangle anymore to help me. Now I'm just my own teetering line.
Genius is wisdom and youth. Why can't we just have both? And why has an english project caused me to think this much.
[i never should have let you let me go]

Would you swear that you'll always be mine?

The open house has been crazyyy! Yesterday I dyed Robin's hair :) and I didn't want to tell her, but she was my first official client :) it went well though :) the mixed berries on her head subdued to a not so vibrant shade :) thank the lord! I would have a hard time telling someone that pinkish hair is totally hott these days. I cut Eric's hair too :) it turned out pretty good for my first official men's haircut :) I was pleased :) then I had a party girl :| the dreaded party girl! There were like eight of them. Giggling screaming, twelve year old girls. It was hell. I had to do an updo. And makeup. And her goddamn nails. By the end of my three hours with her, I was quite pissy and very much dismayed. And the little hoe didn't tip me even one nickel. Her and all of her friends were gushing about how with makeup they looked sixteen. Please! They looked thirteen at the most. Toolbags. Not even a single nickel!!! I should have made her look fugly, but I was feeling a little charitable I guess. I met my sweethearts date too :)) he drove all the way from draper just to see me for a minute :) Eric was so sweet to him too :) He gave him good directions and everything :) I totally expected Eric to be like 'Ok get off on this exit and go to hell!!!' But he didn't :) he was so sweet :) And Brandon was pretty chill :) we didn't talk much but he's hella tall! And him and Eric got along pretty well :) I'm wayy excited for sweethearts :) I sluffed aerobics again yesterday :) and went to cafe rio :) I had an amazing time and I saw a man that dressed exactly like chuck bass! It was so crazy! I was surprised with a pork salad and it was the best :))
Today in English I realized something. Nik adjusts himself. A lot. Like his hand is literally usually at least halfway in his pants. It was just an odd little thing that I had never noticed before. Crazy.
Today Eric came to the open house to see me again :) He was so adorable getting a soda for my mom and everything :) but I felt bad when he left early. Like maybe because I was a douche or something :( or because I was just I don't know.. a douche. But I was busy doing my mom's hair. Foiling. Those stupid foils!!! Fffff! But it looks really cute now :) her color is way adorable :) And Carolyn the receptionist made my day :) telling my mom how she's always remembered my name because I smiled so big at her :) and how she can be having an awful day and I can still make it better for her :) she made me feel really special and I needed to hear that so much :) and then this random worker lady at subway told me that I'm the happiest person she's ever seen :) it made my day so so much :) I'm extremely grateful for that sandwich making lady ;) Tina came over for a minute to borrow a jacket for sweethearts :) her dress is like omg gorgeous! I can't compete with that! I'm going to look so plain compared to her! I'm way nervous that I'll look too plain :| I hope my dress is pretty enough! I'm so worried now! Uggg :|
Oh well :) I need to sleep tonight :) stress free :) if I can just stop worrying about my english project that would be great :) please and thank you.

If you're scared it lets you know that you're taking a chance. And if you aren't taking a chance then what the hell are you doing?
xxxxxx