I want you to know with everything, I won't let this go.

'Adri I need to tell you that I'm sorry. Because I am. I know that sounds childish and like it doesn't mean anything. But I swear to god it does. I was a complete asshole and I didn't have any right and I know that now. I know you were just trying to help me and to save my life. And you have. You're the reason that I'm sober right now and you're the reason that Terance is checking me into rehab tomorrow. I didn't mean any of that shit that I told you that day. I was way out of line and none of that was true. Any other person would have completely given up on me after I said all that shit, but you didn't. You still called me everyday. And I listened to all the voicemails even though I'm sure you think I didn't. I was mad at you, but I still loved you and missed you. I listened to you talk about your life and I listened when you cried. I'm sorry I was the bad friend that never called you back. But I told god to take care of you and I think he did for the most part. I think he loves me. You know that? Because he thought I was privileged enough to know somebody like you. Fuck. I found that letter I gave you last year for graduation and I still mean that shit. I do even though I don't act like it anymore. I'm going to be a better person from now on though. You don't even know how fucking hard it is though. I just want to fucking give in because it makes it better and I know if there was a 'meth day' it would have answered my call when she didn't. Why does she hate me, adri? That's what I want to know. What the hell did I do that makes her hate me and why didn't I get the fucking chance that I deserve? I just want to feel love. And I feel that when I'm high. I feel everything when I'm high. I want to just feel that all the time. I don't deserve it, but I want your friendship still. I love you even though it seemed like I didn't. I always did. Just like how I promised I would. I need you to help me. Will you be my supporter again?'

Dixon, you've always been my best friend. Before I even met you, we were best friends. My entire life I was looking for somebody exactly like you. With your faults and with your perfections. I'll never walk away from you. I've been waiting for you the entire time. I never doubted you, and I still don't. You're so much stronger than this. And I know you want to just feel love, but sweetie, I've been here the whole time ready to show that to you. And I still am. I want us to teach each other what love is. I know we can do this. You're so much stronger than you think you are. One day, when you're uncle Dixon and I have the most amazing family in the world, we'll look back on this and we'll be proud of ourselves. Lets make it through this again. I know we can do it if we do it together. You're my best friend. I love you with all my heart and I'll never stop, I promise. Love, Adri xxxx

Tell them what I hoped would be impossible

Drake: (mood: blubbering) 'Skye called me saying she was sorry. I really love her, Adri..'

Me: 'Hold on' (hangs up) Texts Skye 'Your worst nightmare has happened'

Skye: 'What are you talking about?'

Me: 'Drakes in love with me now'

(no reply)

Twenty minutes later...

Drake: 'Adri, you're a bitch :)'

I love you :) Isn't it fun being in love with me?! ;)

I got a message that made my heart bounce... it deserves it's own post though :)

Hold on :)

This love was accidental.

Talking to Terance makes me feel like I'm home.

'Monday night is halo night.

Whoa! Do you watch the big bang theory?!

No?

Terance do you want to get married?

But monday night is halo night. It's like I'm talking to a wall here.'

I love you, babycakes.

'Hello my doodlebug!

What up, moon pie?'

Just on a side note.

"There once was a boy and a girl. They grew up together. They loved each other like a brother and a sister. They spent every moment together, and when they got older they became lovers. Their feelings and their hearts became so intertwined that they could no longer distinguish their individual needs. Then, for a reason we may never know, one of these young people began to hurt. She hurt so badly that she didn't want to live. And she turned to the only person she trusted. He tried to help. He tried to stop her. But at the same time, he could feel her pain as if it were his own. And in end, he couldn't stop her. He was a failure. He even went so far as to walk away. The problem was, Emily couldn't kill herself. She begged him, she pleaded, she cried, she put her hand over his on the gun. She was such a part of him and he was such a part of her, that she couldn't even complete this final act by herself."

This just may be my second favorite book.

To my friends, the whores, and the backstabbers of Orem

My dearest Drakey Poo, you can do way better than this. And you honestly deserve way better than that. You're such an amazing guy and sincerely one of the bestest friends that I have ever had. I know you're heart is broken and you don't think you'll ever move on or find anyone else, but come on... I mean, sweetie, you look like mothertrucking Justin Bieber! You will find somebody else, and she will be one hot mama ;) And you know girls will be all over you again once they discover that you two are over (time to change the facebook status, love) remember how you walked into that high school and instantly became the coolest thing since canned tuna? Well.. now the coolest thing since canned tuna is available and it is time to jump on that! I'm not going to lie, I don't have very good advice to offer except to move on, but I do have a firm knowledge that you will be ok. You're a good looking, talented, nice, smartish young man! Not to mention popular :) and you do have that job thing going for you now... ;) You can make it through this trying time! You just need to take a little gander and see all that you have to offer. Because it doesn't matter how many times I tell you, you have to figure it out for yourself! So get up, wash your hair, put on some pants, and hit on some girls at work! Good golly, you're the biggest flirt in history, we can not just have you lollygagging about like this! Now be the man that I know you are! I love you, baby :)

Skye. You are a whore. What you did is unforgivable. I will admit that I admire you're image, but that is where the admiration ends. You broke his heart you know that. And you did it in the least classy way possible. Are you aware that he loved you? I know that you are. So what you did was completely unacceptable given the knowledge that you had and the fact that your relationship status on myspace said happily taken. You can not even imagine all the respect that I lost for you. He took you in while you were at your lowest and then you do this to him?! Are you kidding me?? You were a LOSER and he still loved you. All of his friends made fun of him for holding your hand, but did that make him stop? NO! I can't even stand you. You're nothing but a heartbreaking slut. Go suck a big one, skank. Oh wait thats what you did to make me hate you.

Mike. I don't hate you. Lets start it out that way. But I am extremely disappointed in you. For more than just what you did with Skye. But also for the fact that you were on ecstasy! What were you thinking? Sure it was laced in your drink, but why were you even drinking?! Or at the very least guarding your drink? You know I don't agree with all the damage that you are doing to your body. How do you expect to make varsity if you don't even take care of yourself? Now back on subject. Bros before hoes. I swear I've heard you say that over a million times. Why did you overlook that, sweetie? You're his best friend. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Because I know it did to him. And you let a little slut come between you guys? How would you like walking into a room and finding your girlfriend getting down with your best friend?! Mike, it's time for you to look at yourself and see if you even like who you are. And I hope you're grateful for the forgiving arm that Drake extended to you. Personally I don't think that you truly deserved it quite yet, You need to give a better apology than you did. Start acting like the 'bro' that you claim you are.

Orem: work your deal out. no drugs. no drinking. girlfriends, stay faithful. best friends, actually act like it.

The end.

It's time to face the truth, I will never be with you.

I don't know why I'm so sad right now. Except that all I wish is that I had Dixon to talk to. More than just his answering machine listening to me. I'm falling apart, Dixon. And the sad part is is that I have no idea why. I shouldn't feel like this. I had a good day and nothing is going extremely wrong, but I miss you so much. I miss the way your voice sounded late at night and the way you would always comfort me through my tears. I miss the way you would talk me out of my stupid ideas and how you always made me laugh. Maybe you're right, maybe I was pushing you too hard to do something that you didn't want to. And I regret that so much. Because I just want you here with me. Come back.

I know she's going through a hard time, but aren't we all and we don't use that as an excuse to treat everyone else like they're less than them. So why are you defending her actions and giving her permission to carry on. What she needs isn't love, what she needs is a nice smack in the face from reality. I'm so sick of all this, I need to find a new ward to be in.

Yesterday I had one of the most amazing talks in my life. In a swimming pool. I don't know why, but it meant so much to me and I'm not going to forget it anytime soon. I'm glad I'm not the only creep that thinks about that.

Breaking Target with a rubber ball. "You guys where are you going? What is that? Where does it...oh my god" Dylann :)

Change from the tip jar for gas.

The kids at castle park that had a knife :| we sure told their mom ;) getting super sick on the tire swing :)

Lemons and hot sauce at del taco. "Are you gonna clean my tables?!" No, we're just going to run away and jump in the car as if someone was chasing us :)

Fun at albertsons :)

I'm so grateful for everything that I haven't screwed up

When in darkness, men see stars.

Sunday.

I hate how they always choose a song for the youth to sing that I have never heard before. That's my fave. I personally believe they should have ended with matt's talk, not scots because if anyone was really truly listening then they know that it was matts that truly came from the heart. I could feel his words and they really meant something. They weren't just some shallow words that sounded good together, they were real. And I'm grateful that I got to hear them...

I hate sunday school. I hate it I hate it I hate it. And I believe that Jasmin is a self centered bitch (sorry, it had to be said.) that needs to grow up and learn some manners. Seriously? Are you that petty that you had to leave the room when she started to speak? Sure, I don't like her much either, but at least I have some tolerance and respect for her. God chose her to lead us for a reason. Maybe we don't know what that is yet, but that just gives us all the more reason to wait and find out. Obviously, you have little faith in god if you can't respect and trust his decision to bring her into this calling. You make me sick. I so badly want to come and talk to you, but I know I would end up yelling and my mouth would be cluttered with profanity because you disgust me so much. I hope your parents are aware of how much they screwed up when they were raising you. They have no reason to be proud.

I can't stop thinking about her. And I didn't know why. Then I saw the status. Two months. It feels so much longer than that, but at the same time, not that long ago at all. When I came into contact with anything related to her, I felt a spark. Reminding me that she was real and not just someone that I dream about all the time. Seeing that me and her had the same sweater at one point made it real, that she was a normal person like me who liked to shop at normal places. When her math book was returned and I was taking it to the back room, I had to look inside to see her name written down. To see her handwriting and to feel like I knew her more than I did. I know I didn't know her nearly as well as some other people did, but I do know her. And every time I passed her locker, I would always stare. And I so much wanted to write my goodbye on it too, but I was too afraid. Just like how I was too afraid to get to know her very well. She told me I was nice and that she liked me. That still haunts me sometimes. She told me not to bleach my hair, and I know that because of that I never will. I know I have no reason to be sad that she died, but I have every reason to be sad. Because I knew her, because I didn't know her. Because she was so young and it made me realized that god can take you at any time. That it doesn't matter how good or bad of a person you are you can still leave this world at any time. She made me want to be a better person because I want to be remembered the way that I know she'll always be remembered. I want to be honored the way she was and I want to make the kind of difference in lives the way that she did with so many. Kaitlyn, I need to say thank you. For changing me in ways that I know nobody else would ever have been able to. I know that everything will be ok for you now. I know that you'll always be happy and never feel pain again. And I know that one day I'll be able to see you again. I hope you dance.

Xxxxx