Today I was proven to be honest. I saw a dollar bill on the ground where a girl had just walked away from. So I went to go and pick it up for her. I thought it was just a dollar tip or something but when I saw it was a twenty it was a bigger deal than that. So when she finally came back, I handed it to her. She unfolded it and on the back it said 'did I get your attention?' It was a fake and she was just testing the integrity and honesty of people. I won :)
It's been a rough day :( there is still drama in cosmo and I'm not happy about it :( Sarah is still mad because I have Andy even though I 'don't deserve him' and she still doesn't have anyone. It's childish and reminds me a little of junior high. EVERYONE deserves to be happy! Not just her, but me and everyone else. The good, the bad, and the ugly all deserve to be happy! So why can't she just be happy that I'm happy? I'm honestly never going to confide in her about anything again. Because she holds it against you even though you're supposed to be a 'friend'
I need to stop thinking about it though because it just makes me upset and sad.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Sweetheart, you only live one time
I'm overwhelmed by life right now. Every aspect of life.
I don't know why I ever told you anything. I knew I shouldn't have, but I did. And it was stupid. I cried to you and it didn't mean anything to you. You weren't a good friend like I thought. You said to my face that you understood, but behind my back you tell people I don't deserve him. The person that helped me the most, the person that was a TRUE friend through this was Britney. Blue haired, non-christian Britney. People like YOU and people like HER make me single handedly doubt everything about religion. Because how come someone that doesn't go to church or institute know how to treat me better than someone who does. She doesn't think she deserves more than me because she thinks she's more 'pure' she knows we're equal. That we're all just trying to do the same thing. I know Sarah falls asleep at night thinking that she deserves Andy more than someone 'like me' ever could. I know it makes her angry that he could like someone 'like me' I know she wonders why she hasn't met a boy when someone 'like me' has them all over. I know she thinks she's better than people 'like me' but I'm a person too. I want the same things she does. To love, be loved, and make it back to god. So why is she so much better? Because she's enrolled in institute. I was in seminary when she wasn't. What's the difference? I know people 'like her' look at me and think I have things I don't deserve, they look down on me, judge me. People 'like her' look at me and know I'm not good enough for Andy. And I'm starting to believe them. People don't accept me with him, why would they. He's just too good for me. And god forbid I ever have something that's good or something that others might want. I'm not good enough to be accepted by Mormons. And I'm not bad enough to be accepted anywhere else. If other people can't accept me, why the hell would I accept myself? How can I when I don't fit anywhere. When people don't let me in. When my own friends look at me and don't think I'm enough. I've always struggled with thinking I'm 'enough' smart enough, skinny enough, good enough, perfect enough, pretty enough. And right as I was starting to, people let me know that I'm not and that I'll never be. I think about just giving up now. Giving up my relationship because sooner or later he'll see what everyone else does. Giving up hair because even THAT can be taken from me. Just giving up.
Days like this make is hard to believe in anything. In myself, in love, in God. And I've been having days like this so often lately that I'm losing faith. I feel weak again. All that strength and self esteem I had back in April. It's gone. Just from her saying 'If I were Andy, I wouldn't take her back.' I wanted to cry in the bathroom after Maria told me. Then I wanted to say 'If I were Izzie, I wouldn't like you either' but I didn't and I won't. I'll continue smiling and letting her take things from me. THIS is why my friends don't meet my boyfriends. Because jealousy. They're never just happy for me they can only think 'Well, I just really like him, and you don't deserve him the way I do' As if I'm supposed to say 'yes, you're right. I'm scum and you're heaven sent. Here, please take the boy I like.' Fuck that. Grow some balls and meet your own guys instead of just waiting for him to fall in your lap. I'm disgusted with humankind. And with growing up, I've found that I'm disgusted more often than not.
Life shouldn't be about people 'like me' or people 'like her' it should be about striving to be 'like Him' to be 'like Jesus' that's what this should all be about. But it isn't. Because there will always be people 'like me' and people 'like her' #giving up on trying to have a life and or friends.
I don't know why I ever told you anything. I knew I shouldn't have, but I did. And it was stupid. I cried to you and it didn't mean anything to you. You weren't a good friend like I thought. You said to my face that you understood, but behind my back you tell people I don't deserve him. The person that helped me the most, the person that was a TRUE friend through this was Britney. Blue haired, non-christian Britney. People like YOU and people like HER make me single handedly doubt everything about religion. Because how come someone that doesn't go to church or institute know how to treat me better than someone who does. She doesn't think she deserves more than me because she thinks she's more 'pure' she knows we're equal. That we're all just trying to do the same thing. I know Sarah falls asleep at night thinking that she deserves Andy more than someone 'like me' ever could. I know it makes her angry that he could like someone 'like me' I know she wonders why she hasn't met a boy when someone 'like me' has them all over. I know she thinks she's better than people 'like me' but I'm a person too. I want the same things she does. To love, be loved, and make it back to god. So why is she so much better? Because she's enrolled in institute. I was in seminary when she wasn't. What's the difference? I know people 'like her' look at me and think I have things I don't deserve, they look down on me, judge me. People 'like her' look at me and know I'm not good enough for Andy. And I'm starting to believe them. People don't accept me with him, why would they. He's just too good for me. And god forbid I ever have something that's good or something that others might want. I'm not good enough to be accepted by Mormons. And I'm not bad enough to be accepted anywhere else. If other people can't accept me, why the hell would I accept myself? How can I when I don't fit anywhere. When people don't let me in. When my own friends look at me and don't think I'm enough. I've always struggled with thinking I'm 'enough' smart enough, skinny enough, good enough, perfect enough, pretty enough. And right as I was starting to, people let me know that I'm not and that I'll never be. I think about just giving up now. Giving up my relationship because sooner or later he'll see what everyone else does. Giving up hair because even THAT can be taken from me. Just giving up.
Days like this make is hard to believe in anything. In myself, in love, in God. And I've been having days like this so often lately that I'm losing faith. I feel weak again. All that strength and self esteem I had back in April. It's gone. Just from her saying 'If I were Andy, I wouldn't take her back.' I wanted to cry in the bathroom after Maria told me. Then I wanted to say 'If I were Izzie, I wouldn't like you either' but I didn't and I won't. I'll continue smiling and letting her take things from me. THIS is why my friends don't meet my boyfriends. Because jealousy. They're never just happy for me they can only think 'Well, I just really like him, and you don't deserve him the way I do' As if I'm supposed to say 'yes, you're right. I'm scum and you're heaven sent. Here, please take the boy I like.' Fuck that. Grow some balls and meet your own guys instead of just waiting for him to fall in your lap. I'm disgusted with humankind. And with growing up, I've found that I'm disgusted more often than not.
Life shouldn't be about people 'like me' or people 'like her' it should be about striving to be 'like Him' to be 'like Jesus' that's what this should all be about. But it isn't. Because there will always be people 'like me' and people 'like her' #giving up on trying to have a life and or friends.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
The smallest sprout shows there is really no death
I had a really good talk with some of my co workers today. Just about religion and fears and I finally realized something. I'm not all that different. And I'm definitely not alone. It's nice having them to talk to and be completely honest with. Jessie wants me to go to church with her and it's kinda cool having her as a little support team :) It's days like these that make me so grateful to work at where I do because I'm meeting people that I know I'm supposed to. Sometimes I hate going to work, but nights like these make it worth it. I'm so glad I didn't call in sick to go see grieves. That is how could our talk was and how much it meant to me. #Inspired <3
Other than that people were rude, messy, and obnoxious :) But that's ok, I'm learning to deal with it a lot better than before. I used to just get silently angry. Now I get giggly and just think that I'm getting paid by the hour no matter what :) I'm glad I'm starting to get my positivity back :)
I'm thankful.
Other than that people were rude, messy, and obnoxious :) But that's ok, I'm learning to deal with it a lot better than before. I used to just get silently angry. Now I get giggly and just think that I'm getting paid by the hour no matter what :) I'm glad I'm starting to get my positivity back :)
I'm thankful.
Friday, October 14, 2011
I believe a leaf of grass is no less than the journey work of the stars.
Ohhh yeah, I have a blog ;) Gone are the days where I would post like 2834759824758 posts in a day. Now you're all lucky if I do it once a week! I really will try to be better! I just got in the habit of being so tired after work that I don't blog! Then I just got into the habit of being lazy :| HOPEFULLY I WILL CHANGE.
Tuesday :) I went to Temple Square with princess :) and it was super fun :) we just kinda walked around. Well, I did. He went around hitting on all the sisters ;) I was a saint and didn't even bother any of the elders ;) So, we're just sitting down on a bench by the temple and Andy takes my hand and very seriously looked into my eyes. And he starts off saying he was really happy that I came with him. Then, saying my full name, he started to get on one knee. What did I do? Run away. I RAN AWAY AS A MAN WAS TRYING TO PROPOSE TO ME!! ;) Luckily it was a joke. The downside? What if it's for real one day and I STILL run away????!!!?!?! AwfulAwfulAwful! My dad on the other hand, was very pleased to see me going to temple square. 'GO get married!!!' If I'm going to a store: 'Go buy your wedding dress!' My father is in quite the rush to get rid of me!
Wednesday :) was our evaluations day in cosmo :) straight A's, bro :) I love talking to Ann :) I told her how Andy 'proposed' and her eyes lit up brighter than the Rockerfeller Christmas tree! She approves of him :) I love her :) After our evaluations all of us went out to lunch and it was fun :) Even though I spilled my drink and made a HUGE mess! HOW EMBARRASSSINGGGG! I love being with Sarah and Kenzie :) without fail, the story of Kenzie's WHAPPP makes me laugh my head off :)) Couldn't live without hair school :) If we see anything abnormal 'Don't worry guys, we go to a community college' :)
Thursday. Hello headache of hell. Lazy day of pretty little liars, cuddling with my puppy, and knitting a scarf. An almost perfect autumn day :) Ended in a sleepy conversation with Andrew :) 'I just wanted to talk' 'About what? about what about what about what' For some reason the phrase 'About what' made me snort and giggle like a maniac for like ten minutes....
Watching pretty little liars always causes me to become very suspicious of murderers that I KNOW are invading my home!!! And people that I KNOW are watching me! And I just KNOW that someone is going to kidnap my puppy!!! But don't worry, I'm on the lookout. NOTHING is getting past me ;)
So remember last year how Kat read my future or whatever. She did all the way until october. So last night I took a curious little peak. October is soulmate. As my dad keeps saying, I guess I better go buy my wedding dress ;)
I just want to jump in a big pile of leaves. I want to read and write poetry. I want to wear huge scarves and listen to local acoustic bands in the coffee shop. I want to paint in the colors of the browning leaves. I want to fly kites during the day and carve silly pumpkins at night. I want photography. To be in it, to be behind the lens. I want to wear bright red lipstick and ld Lettermen jackets. I want to be INSPIRED by Autumn. I want to experience the illuminations and awakening of fall. I want to feel something NEW.
Kinda want to cut my hair :|
Tuesday :) I went to Temple Square with princess :) and it was super fun :) we just kinda walked around. Well, I did. He went around hitting on all the sisters ;) I was a saint and didn't even bother any of the elders ;) So, we're just sitting down on a bench by the temple and Andy takes my hand and very seriously looked into my eyes. And he starts off saying he was really happy that I came with him. Then, saying my full name, he started to get on one knee. What did I do? Run away. I RAN AWAY AS A MAN WAS TRYING TO PROPOSE TO ME!! ;) Luckily it was a joke. The downside? What if it's for real one day and I STILL run away????!!!?!?! AwfulAwfulAwful! My dad on the other hand, was very pleased to see me going to temple square. 'GO get married!!!' If I'm going to a store: 'Go buy your wedding dress!' My father is in quite the rush to get rid of me!
Wednesday :) was our evaluations day in cosmo :) straight A's, bro :) I love talking to Ann :) I told her how Andy 'proposed' and her eyes lit up brighter than the Rockerfeller Christmas tree! She approves of him :) I love her :) After our evaluations all of us went out to lunch and it was fun :) Even though I spilled my drink and made a HUGE mess! HOW EMBARRASSSINGGGG! I love being with Sarah and Kenzie :) without fail, the story of Kenzie's WHAPPP makes me laugh my head off :)) Couldn't live without hair school :) If we see anything abnormal 'Don't worry guys, we go to a community college' :)
Thursday. Hello headache of hell. Lazy day of pretty little liars, cuddling with my puppy, and knitting a scarf. An almost perfect autumn day :) Ended in a sleepy conversation with Andrew :) 'I just wanted to talk' 'About what? about what about what about what' For some reason the phrase 'About what' made me snort and giggle like a maniac for like ten minutes....
Watching pretty little liars always causes me to become very suspicious of murderers that I KNOW are invading my home!!! And people that I KNOW are watching me! And I just KNOW that someone is going to kidnap my puppy!!! But don't worry, I'm on the lookout. NOTHING is getting past me ;)
So remember last year how Kat read my future or whatever. She did all the way until october. So last night I took a curious little peak. October is soulmate. As my dad keeps saying, I guess I better go buy my wedding dress ;)
I just want to jump in a big pile of leaves. I want to read and write poetry. I want to wear huge scarves and listen to local acoustic bands in the coffee shop. I want to paint in the colors of the browning leaves. I want to fly kites during the day and carve silly pumpkins at night. I want photography. To be in it, to be behind the lens. I want to wear bright red lipstick and ld Lettermen jackets. I want to be INSPIRED by Autumn. I want to experience the illuminations and awakening of fall. I want to feel something NEW.
Kinda want to cut my hair :|
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
But nothings greater than the rush that comes with your embrace.
Alright :) so yesterday :) Yesterday was a really good day :) I had Jammin come in to school and I cut his hair :) it looks like Zac Effrons :)) I really like it :) In the middle of class I got a call from Spencer so I was just WTF?! It was a butt dial but we ended up texting and talking and I'm honestly so grateful that he butt dialed me because he gave me some really awesome advice that I'm super thankful for :) I saw Nate yesterday and it was hella awkward :| He was kind of an ass. meh. Then I had to go to work and closing was a BITCH. Didn't get home until around twelve thirty. No biggie.
Today was midterms. I got one hundred on my test and I'm super proud :)) Now it's on to cosmo :)
Downtown with Princess tonight :) can't wait :))
Today was midterms. I got one hundred on my test and I'm super proud :)) Now it's on to cosmo :)
Downtown with Princess tonight :) can't wait :))
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