Hey, Terance,

Darling, I need you right now. Like how I've never needed you before. I just can't get anything right. And I think I'm just waiting for you to come save me. Hurry. Please. Because this isn't going well. And I can't stop shaking. And I don't want to wipe my own tears because that's stupid. I want you to come here. Because you don't love me out of pity. Or pretend to I guess. I don't even know why you love me. I just know it's for the right reasons. You're the most amazing guy I've ever known. Please come home and bring Dixon. Because I hate him. I hate him so much because she was right. And I've wasted so much time. And Everything feels right when you just hold me in your arms. And nothing feels right at the moment. Because it's spinning all out of control like in my dream. And I'm going into a million pieces like how you interpreted that one day. Baby. Please come hold my hand and keep me together. Just like how we promised each other. I feel sick. And I don't know why. And there were all these things today that just added to it. And I keep doing all these mistakes. I hope my hair still grows. I don't want to open up to anyone anymore because it doesn't get you anywhere. If I ever start to trust someone they'll just get to know me and leave because my personality is jacked. Just like how she said. I don't even want this anymore because it's getting too personal and I don't like the thought of everyone reading all this. Because they ask questions that I'm not ready to answer. Because the answers hurt me. And that's all that I've felt the last while. I can't do this anymore. And you're the only thing that stops me sometimes. I want to go back to the simple days when we all knew what we wanted and had what felt right. But now when things feel right it doesn't even mean anything anymore because they're just going to come crashing down. All I want to do is scream profanity at the top of my lungs and maybe hurt something. Because things aren't the same. Everything is changing and going different. But I'm not ready for that. I can't accept myself anymore. And I don't want to see all this stuff around us. That the world is getting to us. And killing us. Terance, this is just too much for me. I should have come to california. Just left without telling a soul. And we could have stayed there and formed the life that would be perfect. We could have cut off contact with everyone else because I don't even know if they matter anyways. It could have been like the way we always talked about. But it wouldn't have been. I know it wouldn't have. But how much do you wish that could just be. I'm too different for myself now. Every single second I'm just thinking about hacking off my hair and never touching makeup again because then at least one thing would be like last year. But it would be the only thing. And my mind just keeps going in circles and landing on the same point. What if you aren't who I think you are? Because that has happened to me way too many times before. What if you don't really love me because I've trusted you too much and opened up to you with all this stuff and now you just feel bad for me? What if you just think I'm pretty? Or that this is all just a joke that I'm not clued in about? Sometimes I wonder if I'm in a coma and this is all just a dream. But why would I dream myself into something like this? Why wouldn't I have made myself a princess? I need to start over. Redo. Because I don't even understand myself anymore or why I do the things I do. I don't know me. Maybe that's my first mistake. Because this really is all my fault. But I can't face getting to know me because I'm too scared that I won't like her. I probably wouldn't. Or maybe I would. Out of pity though because everything is so jacked up. I'm done.

Mom, don't even bother asking about this because I'm not going to explain it to anyone ever again.