You may find out that your self doubt means nothing was ever there. You can't go forcing something if it's just not right.

Almost four years later and I'm bitter. I failed at what I tried the hardest at. When you put everything into something you start to expect it all to work and for everything to be ok. But it isn't like that. Sometimes love isn't enough, even if it's all your love. Sometimes all your faith isn't even enough. Some things just aren't meant to be. Some things are only meant to be heartache and lessons. First loves are rarely meant to happen for love, no matter how much you believe, sacrifice, or try. First loves aren't meant to complete you or to fulfill your heart. They are to destroy you. To turn your world upside down and make you cry like you have never cried before. First loves are there to teach you that you are enough. To give faith to the little voice inside your head that says, "try again." That eventually you will be ok enough to look at someone and think "maybe." First loves teach you everything you never wanted to know about yourself and even more. You find your faults magnified and you are too close to see anything good about yourself anymore, but there are good things. Even if they say otherwise. But you must know that you are enough, for yourself and for anyone else. And the only reason to change is for yourself, not because of last words said. But throughout everything, I hope you know that it was love. That you didn't do anything wrong and it wouldn't have mattered if you would have just done that one thing or not, some things are not meant to be. Do not bully yourself or look into the mirror with hatred. Know that you are beautiful and more importantly you are enough. Allow yourself to cry at two in the morning, in the shower, in the car and any other time that you need to. Do not feel bad about these tears, they will make you into yourself again, they do serve a purpose. Try not to read through old messages trying to find when it went wrong, it will just hinder your progress and hurt you. As comforting as it sounds to listen to the last voicemail, don't. Do your own thing. Use this time as spring cleaning to remove toxic things from your life. You are already hurting, now is the time to rid of those other relationships that are holding you back. It doesn't sound like it, but it will help you feel better. Most importantly; be sad that a love has ended, but be happy that it happened and learn to love yourself.

And just like that, covered in a blanket of white snow, the world was pure again.