Every Wednesday I run out to my mailbox because I know that I'll have a letter waiting for me :) It's the best feeling ever

Kiss my nicely toned ass, bitches.

Today was slightly horrendous, but because of reasons completely different from before. Today was because some people are just, well, they're fucking CUNTS. So it started off with me finding Maria crying in the bathroom. So I started talking to her about everything, because I genuinely care about her. Then Sarah comes out and is like 'OHMYGOODNESS let me buy you something from the vending machine!' Then Kenzie comes out and is like 'Ohmyflip do you need chocolate???' By the time they came out, she wasn't even crying anymore. Let me remind you that just the goddamn fucking day before, I was crying the ENTIRE theory class and they didn't give a rats ass. So I decided to confide in Marie and I asked her if she trusted Sarah. It took her no less than a second to say no. Because apparently, while I'm not at school because I'm too busy throwing up in bushes, she's telling people I'm pregnant. And Kenzie is telling people she doesn't care that I'm sad because of who I'm dating. These girls are supposedly christian, but they're the biggest assholes I know. Because, no, I'm not pregnant, and yes I DO matter. And they're ignorant for thinking otherwise. I was there for them when they cried or needed money or needed advice, so naturally they're nowhere to be found when I need someone. They're too busy failing at trying to get married. How come girls like this can take the sacrament? These girls that are telling rude, false, insulting rumors and completely ignoring Christ's teaching to love everyone. Maria also agreed with me that it was Sarah that told Andy that pile of wank shit about me cheating the whole time. Because for some reason, no matter what I do, Sarah wants to make me miserable. I date Andy, he's 'too good' and she deserves him, the next guy isn't good enough and I'm 'pregnant'. Well, I'm not going to try to please her anymore. I'm going to school to learn, not be social. I have Robin and Britney and Maria to talk to, I don't need Sarah and Kenzie's immaturity. Fuck the ugly bitches.
On the plus side, today I was host in cosmetology so I was able to get things done :)
Tomorrow we be watching star wars all day ;)

Thank god for that one guy that let's me call him at night just to cry. He doesn't judge or tell me I'm wrong. All he says is not to give up. Thank god for him.

I'm talking loud, not saying much.

Lets just say that yesterday can be summed up with this, I puked in some bushes on my way home from school. Yep. Even just saying that you can get the hint that yesterday was complete shit. First I locked myself out of my own house. Then after I got in, I couldn't find my smock that's required at school. After I finally found it, loaded up my car, and calmed down, my car wouldn't start. Instant tears at that moment. Because that was just the icing on the cake. The spilled milk that makes you cry. On my way to school, I resolved that I would only stay for theory and leave after that. So when Sarah told me I had a shampoo set, this helped me to make that decision even firmer. When I told her I wasn't going to stay, she promptly told me I couldn't leave because I had a client and it was nearly all booked. I swiftly told her I could do what I want. So whilst walking home, I starting to cry big heaving gasping cries. And well, I dry heaved in a bush. And was offered a cigarette directly after. That poor man thought that my problem was a hangover, when I could only wish it was that simple and that something as ordinary as a cigarette could fix my problems. Naturally, when I got home, work decided to call and make life even better. They asked me to close that night, because we had a walk the next day. That would mean staying until eleven or twelve just folding underwear and tucking bra straps. I declined on account of my car being a piece of shit this week. I always feel awful when I tell work no. Stressing because I felt bad for my store, I got a migraine. My migraine helped me to decide to take a nap. I woke up from my nap with a text from Andy saying I cheated on him the entire time. He never told me the source, but of course I can only assume that the source was Sarah. Just when I thought that I had real friends. I concluded the night with rolling a perm. Then, due to my nap earlier I wasn't able to fall asleep until around two thirty in the morning. Yesterday was a pile of shit. And lets just say it honestly could have been summed up with 'I puked in a bush walking home from school'
And you may have guessed, but today was also a pile of shit. I arrive at school, already in a teary mood, just to be set off by Sarah smugly telling me I had a perm while she had a haircut. I decided I couldn't emotionally handle that and would once again leave early. Due to problems that only a select few would understand, I cried my way through theory class. With only Ann and Robin asking me what was wrong. Why didn't anyone else care? Well, because Jaylynn had a tumor and that just takes priority sometimes. Well, I guess I lied. Sarah tried to talk to me, but I did my best to nicely dismiss her, because starting now, I don't trust her at all, and honestly I have her worst interest at heart. Last night I took a note out of Mitchell's mom's book. I texted Sarah if she had talked to Andy. When she said no, my reply was 'If I'm asking, I already know.' Lets just say that now was not the best time to double cross me. After unsuccessfully cutting my mannequins hair, Ann decided to use my awful hair as an example. Any other day I would have been fine. But this was the spilled milk of my day. I confided in Robin and felt slightly better. But definitely not better enough to stay and do a perm. So I left early. And here's the absolute highlight of my day, the one thing today that made me believe it would be ok; I opened the mailbox and there was one piece of mail, a letter from Benson. I've never been so happy for mailmen than at this moment in my life, I swear a piece of paper has never made me so happy. Especially when I opened it and saw that it was an entire full page! Benson is now a zone leader and will leave for mexico on December 5th. And he knows about, but did not give permission to that Elder that randomly wrote me. I may or may not have poured my heart onto four sheets of paper. Hint: I did. And I will be mailing his package out by tomorrow. I certainly do hope that it makes his day as much as his letters make mine. Now, I'm looking forward to the boyfriend getting off work so he can text me more often. And I just have to hope and pray that he hasn't gotten a cat in the meantime. I love you, boyfriend. Thank you for letting me swear quite a bit just because I hate hair, clients, and people. 'youda youda best' ;) oh what? It's not as funny as when Jessica says it? BOO, you whore ;)
'You and her are so different. She doesn't have a personality...' I love you, Robin :)
Tomorrow is a new day and it will be much much better <3

I can't help falling in love with you.

Coincidence that my check was 666? I think not.

So I came home from school today and I was like 'OMG A LETTER FROM BENSON!!!!' But it wasn't. It was from weird guy that I don't even know. And I don't know how he got my address, but he told me not to tell Benson about it because 'that would be weird' WHO ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? I don't need another missionary! I'm already writing to one, crazy man!!!! But now I'm all bummed because I didn't get a letter :( hopefully in a couple days.
JayLynn is just getting awkward with this whole tumor thing. She is just using it to get pity at this point. So we're sitting in the hallway today just eating today and chatting with some clients. Then out of nowhere Jay is like 'My tumor is making me sick' ....ok. Awkward. This awkward silence lasted for so long. And she does this ALL the time. It's like she has no social skills. It's not hard! So every time she does this, I stand there for a minute and then I'll just walk away because I can't even handle it.
Work has been CRAZY. I hate the panty raid. I love Dj dan though :))

Why does this divorce bother ME so much? They aren't even my real parents

11:11 11-11-11

It is love not reason that is stronger than death

I'm sure my friends all think I'm being insensitive with JayLynn because I didn't hang on her every word, because I didn't hug her, and because when she said 'I'm not dead... yet... hopefully'  I didn't react. I'm not trying to be insensitive though, I'm just used to this. She doesn't even know how bad her tumor is, so she could be perfectly ok, but we don't know yet. The thing is, Mike knows he is going to die, and I know that too. So I watched him go through this phase and I did the whole hug and cry thing. And I can't go back to that phase for her, because now I'm in the grateful and laugh stage. Where every second with him is a blessed one, and we can laugh again. We don't have to say cancer in hushed tones or avoid the subject of death. It's ok. And it's ok to be happy with him and to make jokes about it. Because in this part, the last thing he wants is for us to hover around him crying and constantly trying to hug him. He wants normality. I don't know what the next phase is going to be and we'll get there when we get there, but for now here we are. So I hope they understand why I'm not reacting the same as them, and it's not insensitivity, it's accustomed to it.

His breath closing in and surrounding me in ways I've never felt before.

I got a letter I got a letter I got a letter!!!!! :) :) :) :) :) :) It's so exciting!!! :) :) :) I don't even care how short it was, a letter is a letter :) And he asked me TWO times in that letter to continue writing him :) and I'm gonna be that person that sticks out till the end :) Elder Benson <3
I had this client today. THAT DIDN'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH! How the HELL am I supposed to cut her hair when we can't even understand each other?????!!!!!!!?????? I was TRES upset. Especially because Sarah and Kenzie left to go to a forum and still got hours! Why do I have to work the hardest to get the same goddamn grade??? BECAUSE GOD HATESSS MEEEE!!!!! HE HATESSSS MEEEE!!!!! Jay came today though and she seems to be doing okay. I hope she's ok.
Thank you for taking me to school, eric. You're a trooper. And I owe you.
Today I got told I looked like a rockstar :) a lot :)
Baby bird ben. Tiny tiger tank.
I GOT A LETTER :)))) Gunna send a care package before he leaves the mtc :) :) :)

And I know, I've said this all before, but opposites attract.

Alright. So tonight at work, Jourdan came in. I've been waiting for the day that I would run into her or something. And then it happened. I didn't say anything to her. I looked at her and she looked at me and it felt like an eternity even though it was just a few seconds. I turned around and tried to ignore her (like the shitty associate that I am) and pretend she wasn't there, and I did a shitty job at it. Because all I wanted to do was look at her and listen to her, anything ANYTHING to get to know who she really is. Because I know she's someone that I could be friends with, but I was a dumbass and never can be now. She left and part of me was relieved, but the bigger part of me just wishes I could have gone up to her and told her in person how honestly sorry I am. But I didn't. Just another regret I'll have with her.
Today was actually a pretty bad day. Because at one point in the day, my best friend brought me flowers :)) (that's obviously not the bad part) so I stepped outside to talk to him, and when I did everyone was like  'Awh that's so cute' Then Sarah was like 'No that's not cute, we hate him!' Of course she didn't tell this to me to my face and I had to hear it from another source, but SERIOUSLY??? Really? You have to be that petty? She lets her jealousy control her so much and it restricts our friendship in so many ways. I just have to keep thinking that it doesn't matter. Fuck them, I'll be out soon. As long as I'm happy. I have everything I need <3 Also, I've come to absolutely adore Robin :) Her and Britney are my favorite people in cosmetology :) Because they are REAL and HONEST. And I love them. I have something super special planned for britney for christmas :)) Lets hope it goes as planned :)) saving money for christmas and birthdays is kinda hard :( I'm trying SO hard though!
So swear to god, JayLynn just texted me the worst news ever. They found a tumor in the middle of her brain. Honestly I'm terrified right now because I know how bad that can be. Why am I worried about christmas presents when there are problems like that out there? Even though I never feel god, tonight I'll pray to him for her and hope that everything is ok.
Good lord, it's a soap opera today. I just want to cuddle with my puppy.

I can't sleep. And I'm in pain. And boyfriend is asleep so I can't even text him. Asdfghjkl. Very upset.
On the other hand it was a very good weekend :) I've decided star wars is amazing and I couldn't help crying in the third. I love my best friend. Getting paid thirty bucks to drive drunk parents to a club? I hope my parents decide to take up drinking and clubbing sometime soon.

Some of the silliest things make me cry.

I can't even begin to explain what it was like to see him again. I felt happy again. I felt at peace. And like finally something was right.
He's always gonna be my best friend. 13 years <3

My sadly true life

I don't just want to make love, I want to make love last.

Hey baby, thank you for helping this morning so much. Thank you for hugging me on my bathroom floor while I cried my heart out. Thank you for telling me it's all ok, when everything felt like it wasn't. Thank you for offering to shave your hair for me, just to make me feel less ugly. Thank you for being exactly what I needed you to be. I love you so much and I couldn't be without you.
Today was rough. You know those days when you wake up and everything feels wrong? When every hair is out of place and your face has exploded in zits? When your car won't start and you're already running late? Today was that day. Thank god for the friends that make things better.
Had a weave today, which I did alright. But still the concept of it made it awful :| Robin's partner came in today and they were SO freaking cute!!!!!!! They just had so much love for each other and they just had that thing. That thing that where they'll grow old together and still love each other. They had that thing that the old people feeding the birds have!!!! I want that so bad. Maybe it will come along sometime soon. Or maybe I have that thing but don't know I have that thing!!!! I JUST WANT THAT THINGGG!!!!!!
It really bothers me how some people throw around the word 'love' like it means nothing. Love isn't just there, lust is. Love is built and formed and takes hard work. You ask if it's bad that you're in love. But you aren't. You're in love with the idea of being in love. That bothers me.
I'm just too grumpy. Hopefully soon I'll stop being so shitty at everything in life.