House on Mango Street

Prob one of my fave conversations with my dad ever.

(Upon hearing the news that my bro's computer crashed and him and his girlfriend broke up)
Dad: well, that's too bad
Me: that his computer crashed?
Dad: (long sigh) ....yes....

Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard.

Best friends for almost four years and it ends with him saying he hates me. Which is fine I guess. It hurts though. It hurts a lot more than I ever expected it to.
The hardest part is knowing that I put my entire heart and soul into the relationship. I gave it everything I had. I gave him everything I had. But it hardly mattered, it wasn't enough. I could never treat him the way he started treating me and that scares me, that I wouldn't say those things, but he would. It just shows even more of the inequality in that 'friendship' and I guess that's something that I should have run from anyways. It was a ticking time bomb, just a matter of time. He says it's only to me that he's rude. I don't understand why though. I helped him through all of his trials, sometimes I was the only one there at all. You think that would make him grateful for me, but he isn't. He says I was a waste of time, but at least I helped him, what did he do for me? What makes him such a prize?
I just don't know where he went. He was my best friend. He had a heart of gold and never tried to hurt anyone. He supported me and always helped me to smile. But not anymore. Now that he goes to church he is too good for me. He isn't nice anymore. He isn't the boy that I knew. And it all happened so fast. We were happy and then we weren't. I wonder if all love happens like that though; just a complete 360, or do they slowly fade out? I hope I never find out.

I think it's through maturity that people don't believe in soul mates. That when they find true love they realize that that person is BEST for them but that nobody is meant for each other. Because it's ludacris to think that we spend our whole life looking for the one and only person that can complete us. Its sad to think that. There is someone out there that compliments us in the best way possible and better than anyone else, but we should be complete on our own. It's sad to think that you aren't. We need to be strong on our own and stop relying on others around us. I don't believe in soul mates. Or even in perfect matches exactly. I believe in best matches and in best mates. But you could go along completely happy with someone else in life. And honestly that best person for us changes as we change in ourselves. As our environment and as our situations change so does that person. And there's choice factored in too. We choose what we want, and it's funny, but we usually choose people that project the same qualities as we do. It's extremely funny to watch people find partners because they try to find a partner that is an imitation of them. So look at your partner. You chose them because you saw yourself. Is that really how you want to be? And will you be that way forever? Will they? The answers could always change. Always rearrange. And that's why perfect matches aren't possible. And quite truthfully I don't find this depressing. I find it liberating.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for anymore. Or what I want. Or who I am. I just know that work makes me angry. And that is that.

You may find out that your self doubt means nothing was ever there. You can't go forcing something if it's just not right.

Almost four years later and I'm bitter. I failed at what I tried the hardest at. When you put everything into something you start to expect it all to work and for everything to be ok. But it isn't like that. Sometimes love isn't enough, even if it's all your love. Sometimes all your faith isn't even enough. Some things just aren't meant to be. Some things are only meant to be heartache and lessons. First loves are rarely meant to happen for love, no matter how much you believe, sacrifice, or try. First loves aren't meant to complete you or to fulfill your heart. They are to destroy you. To turn your world upside down and make you cry like you have never cried before. First loves are there to teach you that you are enough. To give faith to the little voice inside your head that says, "try again." That eventually you will be ok enough to look at someone and think "maybe." First loves teach you everything you never wanted to know about yourself and even more. You find your faults magnified and you are too close to see anything good about yourself anymore, but there are good things. Even if they say otherwise. But you must know that you are enough, for yourself and for anyone else. And the only reason to change is for yourself, not because of last words said. But throughout everything, I hope you know that it was love. That you didn't do anything wrong and it wouldn't have mattered if you would have just done that one thing or not, some things are not meant to be. Do not bully yourself or look into the mirror with hatred. Know that you are beautiful and more importantly you are enough. Allow yourself to cry at two in the morning, in the shower, in the car and any other time that you need to. Do not feel bad about these tears, they will make you into yourself again, they do serve a purpose. Try not to read through old messages trying to find when it went wrong, it will just hinder your progress and hurt you. As comforting as it sounds to listen to the last voicemail, don't. Do your own thing. Use this time as spring cleaning to remove toxic things from your life. You are already hurting, now is the time to rid of those other relationships that are holding you back. It doesn't sound like it, but it will help you feel better. Most importantly; be sad that a love has ended, but be happy that it happened and learn to love yourself.

And just like that, covered in a blanket of white snow, the world was pure again. 

(White dad voice): But you're my little girl..
Daughter in movies: I'll always be your little girl. (Tightly embraces)

My mom: I'm just not ready for you to grow up yet
Me: (laughs) please stop crying, you're making me uncomfortable. (tightly embraces my puppy)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, BITCHES.